


The Foot of the Bed

by spacepanda101



Series: Colliding Universes [1]
Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Canon Compliant, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Holiday, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, S3, Slow Burn, but still, probably not worth putting in the skam nl tag, small au, small skam nl crossover, travelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 61,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24912130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacepanda101/pseuds/spacepanda101
Summary: Robbe has struggled and questioned his sexuality for years. He finds the courage to come out when he realises his hiding hurts people he genuinely cares about.He meets a mysteriously handsome Sander at a Christmas party, becoming instant friends. But what will it take to make the inevitable happen?
Relationships: Noor Bauwens/Robbe IJzermans, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Series: Colliding Universes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023346
Comments: 86
Kudos: 224





	1. Year 5, Page 2

**Author's Note:**

> Attempting a chaptered fic - wish me luck! I'll be aiming for, at longest, weekly updates, I'll try make it shorter though! Beginning few chapters have overlaps with canon. Also I've done extensive research in the geography of antwerp, but I'm not belgian so if anything's a bit off, please let me know!  
> Also shoutout to wtfock english, skam_tumblr, and skamssupdates on YouTube for translations of the clips!  
> Enjoy!

Zaterdag 12/10/19 20:22

Miraculously, Robbe managed to burn his tongue on hot noodles at the same time his phone pinged with a new text message. Cursing under his breath, he splashed his fork back into the pot and unlocked his phone.

**_Jen:_ ** _ Guess who found us a party to attend? _

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Where is it? _

**_Moyo:_ ** _ Time for Aaron’s initiation party as a Broerrr _

**_Aaron:_ ** _ Will there be girls? _

**_Jens:_ ** _ Aaron, my friend, it’s not a Broerrrs-worthy party if there’s no girls. _

**_Aaron:_ ** _ Awh yeah _

**_Jens:_ ** _ Maybe we can find Moyo a real girlfriend _

**_Aaron: 😂_ **

**_Moyo: 😠_ **

**_Moyo:_ ** _ Or find Robbe a girl that lasts longer than 2 weeks was it? _

**_Robbe: 🙄_ **

**_Robbe:_ ** _ It was 3 weeks thank you very much. And where is it? I don’t feel like going too far tonight. _

This was far from the truth in one sense of the phrase. In fact Robbe was dying to run away to a new country and start anew. He couldn’t help feeling stuck where he currently was. A shitty dad, a mentally ill mum, and dumb friends who never listen.

**_Jens:_ ** _ 3 weeks is still better than nothing! It’s in Rooi, don’t worry. _

The conversation carried on between Moyo and Aaron making some dumb comments that Robbe really wasn’t in the mood to read. A private message from Jens popped up not too soon after.

**_Jens:_ ** _ Is it your mama? It’s near Smouts so not too far? _

There were some times and days when Robbe remembered why he fell in love with his best friend. He remembered in his circle of solitude, a young boy crashed into him on a skateboard, an angry sister following not too far behind. He remembered one afternoon at the skatepark, sharing a picnic with Britt and Jana, the four of them deciding to join the local scouts together. He remembered the day his dad left, call it luck or telepathy, Jens called, and was in his room an hour later. He remembered the bittersweet moments when Jens played the role of best friend. Because they’d been rare and few since he’d broken up with Jana. But this was one of those moments. 

**_Robbe:_ ** _ I don’t know. She’s not been doing too well today. _

**_Jens:_ ** _ Dude, you need to let off some steam. I maay have a fresh pack of weed? _

That did it. And Robbe hated that it did it. When he’d first started smoking the stuff, it was definitely to look cool. To not let Jens down in front of Moyo, the cool new guy in their lives. But the more they did it, the more he realised how relaxed his head felt. And how shit his life was becoming when he wasn’t smoking it. He knew deep down it wasn’t good. It’s not a healthy coping mechanism and if his mum ever caught him smelling of the stuff, he’d be in big trouble. But god did he need it tonight. 

His mum’s mental health had been deteriorating at a more consistent rate since his dad left. She’d fall into a bad episode, he’d stay at home when he could, looking after her, she’d come out of it and promise to take her pills, which’d last at best 3 days, he’d try to convince her to carry on taking them, she’d get angry and it would start all over again. It was a  _ tiring _ cycle. And today had been an angry day. 

So fuck it, he thought. He’s not smoking everyday, it’s only ever at parties or occasionally at the park. His mum being angry is unwarranted.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ I’ll be there. _

21:43

The party was thumping and alive. Beats from the music reverberated through the bricks and mortar. There was an almost inaudible voice telling Robbe that they’d be lucky if there were no noise complaints. But that voice was drowned out by weed clouding his brain and the vodka burning his throat.

‘Fuck.’

He coughed through the gulp and the smoke, letting the drugs seep into his system, barely hearing the laughs coming from his right.

‘A lot of shit at home again?’ Moyo asked.

‘Something like that yeah,’ he replied, rolling his eyes before bringing the bottle back to his lips again. 

‘Robbe, you know you could always crash at mine,’ a very drunk and high Jens said

‘Thanks.’

He found it a little disheartening when Jens would only ever revert back to his best friend role in a private message or when he was really high.

‘Yo guys,’ Moyo cut into his thoughts, fiddling with the shower cable, ‘if that were to fall down now,’ he suggested and made some sounds imitating water hitting the bathtub.

Moyo also had a best friend mode, or good friend mode, that he'd only ever revert to in an Instagram post, or occasionally when he's high. It was nice to know those thoughts were there, Robbe supposed, but how absent they were in his sober self wasn't reassuring.

He laughed along, drowning himself into the beats coming from below as Jens and Moyo giggled at imaginary situations

‘Where’s Aaron got to? He went down like 5 hours ago,’ Moyo exaggerated, referring to the newest member of their friendship group, Aaron Jacobs.

‘Probably got lost,’ Robbe guessed.

‘Lost in all that oestrogen,’ Jens muttered. Moyo let out a high pitched laugh.

‘Oestrogen? What are you, a fucking doctor?’

Robbe could hear the eye roll.

‘Okay then. Lost in the sea of titties…’

It was Robbe’s time to eyeroll as the two collapsed once more into a fit of laughter. Once they’d calmed down, the door opened, revealing the fourth Broerrr.

‘Fucking finally,’

‘Here he is, our guy,’

Aaron stumbled towards the boys in the bathtub, equipped with a bottle of vodka.

‘I’m in love guys,’ he announced. Everyone laughed. It was very typical of Aaron to “fall in love” with every girl he saw, and despite it never going anywhere, he for some reason felt the need to announce it every time.

‘Who is it this time?’ Moyo chuckled.

‘No seriously. I’m in love,’ Aaron insisted, as he made his way towards the toilet next to the bath.

‘Did you bring the booze? Looks like it. Come, give it here,’ Jens reached out for the bottle to no avail.

‘Wait a second.’

Aaron seated himself on the closed throne and took a swig of the alcohol before revealing that his next victim was none other than Amber Snoeckx, the annoying one of Jana’s new friends who was obsessed with FreeFest and being popular. Okay, maybe Robbe was being a bit too harsh on the girl. He barely knew her after all. But it was Amber.  _ Amber _ . He could say stuff.

But before he’s able to say anything, the conversation quickly turns into what kind of girl is “his type”. He hated this conversation topic yet it was unfortunately Moyo and Jens’ favourite thing to talk about. At least when Jens was with Jana he wouldn’t be encouraging this kind of chat. Robbe supposed that it was karma for how he fucked up their relationship but how long would this go on for. And why did his friends reduce types of girls to simply boobs or butt? Robbe wouldn’t really consider himself a feminist but surely that wasn’t something you could say anymore right?

But this was Moyo. He knew it was wrong. He knew Jens at least used to know it was wrong. And he wished that he’d called their friend out on it. But this was Moyo.

Then came the dreaded question

‘Of all the chicks downstairs, who would you do? Top 5?’

He began to panic. He could barely think of one girl he found himself attracted to, let alone 5. His heart beat loudly, both from the weed and the question. But he was saved, in one sense of the word. By a confident girl in a black dress with a dutch accent, asking to use the toilet.

The rest of the evening was a blur. Or he must have blacked out. Because all he could remember was making out with the dutch girl, running from the police, and somehow ending up spraying graffiti onto a large truck, probably illegally. 

He could tell how Noor, the dutch girl, wanted to end the night. But he couldn’t. He had an easy excuse, they’d only just met. He’d be considered a gentleman. And as if on cue, a text from his mum came through, asking when he’d be coming home. Noor gave him a ride back to his neighbourhood on her scooter and sweetly kissed him goodbye. Things couldn’t be more perfect.

14/10/19 Maandag 16:04

He lost all memory of the text conversation he’d had the night before with his self-proclaimed girlfriend during the school day. Just tried to get through the day. Take notes in class, look like he’s paying attention, and pray that the boys don’t talk too much about girls. So when someone jumped on his back, he was genuinely surprised for a second, before the memory of agreeing to hang out after school came flooding back.

‘Hey!’ he called when he realised that the someone on his back was Noor. The two reached in for a kiss, grins imprinted on their lips. He smiled into the kiss. And Jens had been next to him so he had to make it convincing. Maybe the more convincing he could make it, the higher the chance of him actually being attracted to her. Besides, Noor was genuinely cool. Maud had been clingy and always pushing him to go further, to go to his house, to meet the parents. In the end, he was glad she’d ended it. She’d been cool at the cinema but became more and more annoying after that.

Jens had said something about leaving and Noor, still in his arms, showed him an instagram picture of the truck they’d painted. She offered to teach him how to recognise tags and art styles, which he was genuinely interested in. He’d never been much of an artist, but being a skater, he was always surrounded by graffiti that he longed to understand.

And then his phone rang.

One glance at the caller ID and his instinct was to decline the call. But his mum had been begging him to pick up if the man called again, all Sunday. He didn’t want to. But his mum wanted him to. And it was an excuse to pull away from Noor. So he did.

‘Yeah?’

‘I hear she's admitted herself to psychiatry,’ a gruff voice spoke. That got on Robbe’s nerves. It was always “she ” or "Ines". Never just “Mama”, or “my wife”.

‘So what?’

‘She told me you were back late again on Saturday. And the school’s called, saying your grades are dropping-,’

‘I’ll get my act together, okay,’ he cut in. He couldn’t take this. He really couldn’t take this.

‘Robbe, you’re my son. I want to make sure you get what’s best for you,’

No. He couldn’t say shit like that.

‘Now all of a sudden you’re worried or what?’

‘I just think maybe it’s better you come live with me-,’

Not in a million years.

‘I told you I’d make my own plan,’ and he hung up. 

His body was awry with anger. How could his dad, who’d left them in silence almost a year ago, suddenly start barging back into his life? In what world was that okay?

Noor tried comforting him but it had the opposite effect, reminding him of yet another thing he had to deal with. Apologising to her, he left, heading straight to Droogdokkenpark. 

Robbe didn’t like thinking. That was one of the reasons the music in his headphones was not only loud music, but also played at a slightly too large volume, to drown out all the voices in his head. The only thought that leaked through as he walked, was hope that Jens’ offer on Saturday evening had been a genuine one.

16/10/19 Woensdag 10:12

Of course it wasn’t. Nowadays, when did Jens even offer genuine, sober support? It’d been 2 days and the reality of having to go live with his dad was beginning to settle in. He still hated it but Mr IJzermans was a man who got what he wanted.

One positive to come out of the past 2 days was possibly finding a new coping mechanism for all the shit that wasn’t drugs - music. Since Monday, Robbe had found himself slipping his headphones on any second he could, even between classes, letting the synthesised beats, midi wubs, and fast lyrics drown out the voices in his head. Which was why he hadn’t heard Zoe coming. And also why he jumped when she slammed his locker door shut.

‘You’re looking for a place?’ she asked, leaning against the lockers. Defences and walls jumped straight into action as soon as the words registered in his head and he pulled his headphones down.

‘Who says that?’

‘Oh. Isn’t it true?’

‘Yeah but…’ he admitted, taking his backpack off to load up with books for his next class.

‘Thank you, Zoe.’ The cheery tone was back in her voice.

‘What?’

‘Lisa’s on Erasmus until December. Her room is just empty. If you want, I’ll check to see if you can-,’ she explained.

‘No, that’s never going to work,’ he cut across, knowing what his dad was like. His dad would be as keen for him to live with friends at 16, as his mum had been for him to join scouts.

‘Okay, then not.’ He zipped up his backpack. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah, my dad’s never going to like that,’ was his reasoning, in the simplest form.

‘Just talk to him,’ she suggested, as if it was that easy. ‘Then I check with Lisa. Well, if you want?’

With the backpack on his back, Robbe took a minute to genuinely think about the offer. Living with Zoe would certainly be a whole lot better than living with his dad. And she seemed to live a lot closer to the school. Either that or she was a fast cyclist. Plus, he appreciated how kind of an offer that was. The two barely knew each other, only through Jana, and yet she was offering him a place to live.

‘Yeah,’ he decided. ‘Maybe I want.’

‘Yeah?’

‘I can try.’ That was a fair enough solution. To try. It felt like a breath of fresh air to have an option.

‘Voila!’ She smiled as he closed his locker door, and he mirrored the emotion, with walls still up.

‘By the way, I hope your mum gets better soon.’

Jens. Of course he’d told someone. Jana would be his first guess. Instead of offering genuine support, he goes behind his back to talk to an ex?

The walls had shot back up.

‘Let it, Zoe. Okay?’ And he walked off, brushing past her shoulder. But as he walked away, he could hear a voice in his head scolding him for being rude. Zoe was being kind and only trying to look out for him. The way he acted wasn’t warranted. So before he walked out of the doors, he quickly turned around, hoping to catch Zoe before she left.

‘But... thank you’

Music engulfed his brain once more as he headed out to meet with the Broerrrs for break.

15:53

Robbe had just managed to lean his bike against the wall of the hallway and lock the door after having hung with the Broerrrs for a few hours after class, when his phone rang. 

‘Yes?’ he answered, the annoyed tone ever-present in his voice whenever he spoke to his dad.

‘I was just calling to make arrangements for the weekend when you move over,’ the voice replied. That reminded him of his encounter with Zoe that morning and the text he’d received which sparked the boys to start talking about girls again.

‘Um actually one of my friends has offered to let me stay with them,’ he began tentatively.

‘Jonas was it? Is this just talk or have his parents agreed?’

‘Jens, and no not him. It’s Zoe, one of Jana’s friends. She lives in a flatshare and one of her flatmates has gone on Erasmus,’ he explained, not without noticing that despite having been in his life for just over 15 years, he still hadn’t bothered to learn the name of his best friend.

‘Ah. Jana… That’s… Jens’ girl no?’

Robbe rolled his eyes, not wanting to dip back into that time in his life.

‘Used to be. They broke up but they’re still friends,’

‘Hm.’

That was a disapproving “hm” Robbe had heard all too often. Which only made him roll his eyes at how hypocritical his dad was, disapproving of his son’s best friend staying friends with an ex, when he could barely keep in touch with his son.

‘And this er… Zoe. She’s your girlfriend?

‘What? No, no, not at all!’ Robbe rushed to correct him. ‘She has a boyfriend.’ He added on, to make it clear that there was nothing going on.

‘And she lives on her own? Where are her parents?’

‘Does it really matter? She’s offering to let me stay with her, it’s near Harmonie Park so it’s a lot closer to school too,’

‘Harmonie Park hm? Alright well I’d like to see the place before I agree to anything. Do you think you could organise that?’ The patronising tone drove Robbe up the wall but he kept his cool. 

‘Yeah, I’ll ask her,’

‘It’s just I want to make sure you’ll be moving into a good environment. Not be surrounded by alcoholics and drug addicts. And to make sure that despite your Mama, you’ll still do well in your studies,’

Anger flared up at his words. It shouldn’t be  _ despite _ his mother.

‘Yeah. I’ll ask her and let you know. Bye.’

Not wanting to talk to the man any longer, he promptly hung up. Inhale. Exhale.

He kicked his shoes off and walked into the kitchen, searching for the bottle of Pepsi before opening up his chat with Zoe.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ I just talked to my dad and he said he wants to see the place first. _

She was online and replied right away.

**_Zoe:_ ** _ That’s fair enough. But we can arrange that! Is tomorrow too short notice? _

He probably should’ve checked first but he didn’t really care. After how his dad had treated them, small revenges like this made Robbe feel victorious for a moment.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Should be fine. _

**_Zoe:_ ** _ Perfect! Senne will still have classes but Milan will be about. Any tips to win him over? _

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Just… Don’t say anything unnecessary. He’s already asking me why you don’t live with your parents.  _

**_Zoe:_ ** _ Ah okay, sounds like my mum. And would it be better if Milan “straightened out” a bit? _

**_Robbe:_ ** _?? _

**_Zoe:_ ** _ Milan, he can be quite… Flamboyant? You know, the guy you yelled at at Senne’s party. _

He was hit with the memory of being introduced to and conversing with Milan. He had freaked out. Could you blame him? The guy seemed to be trying to kiss him unprovoked. He had to say something. That was his excuse. That’s what he told everyone when they asked him. And that’s what he would tell Zoe if she asked. That’s what he’d tell Milan when he apologised.

But what he wouldn’t say was that he was also scared of being caught out. He didn’t mention that he was terrified someone had found out his darkest secret. But the more he thought to himself, he realised that they were still just excuses and didn’t warrant the slur.  _ It’s a slur it’s a slur it’s a slur _ . He would always repeat in his brain whenever Moyo or Jens said it. And when he’d say it himself, there was a horrific pit of fire in his belly. It’s wrong. He knew it was wrong. And subconsciously, he so desperately wanted to change.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he realised the text had gone unanswered.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Oh. Um… Maybe? I don’t know how he is on that kind of stuff. _

Innocent enough. Hopefully showed he didn’t mean it, but didn’t give away the mental turmoil.

**_Zoe:_ ** _ Are you okay with it? _

He should’ve seen that coming.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Yeah. Sorry about that. _

**_Zoe:_ ** _ I’m not the one you should apologise to. _

**_Robbe:_** _Yeah. Sorry._

The two carried on texting, setting up a time for Mr IJzermans’ visit. Zoe had made him actually text the man to let him know of the meeting and by the time he’d made it upstairs to his room, everything had been confirmed.

17/10/19 Donderdag 16:42

The doorbell rang 12 minutes later than scheduled.

‘That’ll be him?’ Milan asked. The trio sat in the living room, anxiously waiting for the visitor. Robbe and Zoe had even gotten authorisation from their respective classes to skip the 9th period to make the scheduled time of 16:30 but apparently being punctual was not one of Mr IJzermans’ traits.

‘Probably,’

‘Do you want to get it?’

No, Robbe thought. He never wanted to see the man again if he could help it. But he should. He knew it was polite but he was already predicting what the man would criticise and what they’d argue about. The bottle of wine in Milan’s cupboard. The fairylights at the entrance. Why did Zoe live on her own? Why had she sprayed the hallway with a lavender room spray and not rose? Who was Milan and what did he study and why did he live with a 16 year old girl? Why did Lisa irresponsibly leave the country in the middle of her degree?

Robbe tried a few times to come up with the right response, fully expecting one of them to pull him up and physically push him to the front door. But instead,

‘Or I can get it? It’s probably me he wants to meet anyway right? You can wait in my room if you think that’ll make it easier?’ Zoe offered. Robbe shyly nodded and the three trooped into the hallway before heading their separate ways.

What Zoe had just done was new. Very new. He knew for sure if it’d been the boys sitting on the sofa beside him, they wouldn’t have noticed the obviously nervous expression on their friend’s face. Or if they did, they would’ve laughed and made fun of him. Perhaps moving to this flatshare would be a blessing in disguise.

17:13

Half an hour later Zoe quickly stepped into her room, shutting the door behind her. Robbe had been pacing around the room, head spinning with indecipherable thoughts. 

The room was simple, and stylish, and very  _ Zoe _ . An open clothes rail, a metal moodboard, fairylights around the mirror. There was a quote taped to the wall next to the mirror about kindness. Considering the girl wore makeup, Robbe imagined she’d put the quote there on purpose to remind her to follow the contents of the quote. And suddenly all of her actions that’d led to his moment made sense.

‘And?’

‘Is your father always so critical?’ she asked, raising her eyebrows. Remembering the quote on her wall, maybe she’d be open to hearing about his troubles with his dad, Robbe thought as he attempted to piece together a reply.

‘Why don’t you want to see him yourself?’

So she  _ had _ caught on earlier. 

‘That’ll only cause a fight,’

She had a sympathetic expression.

‘Is it that bad?’

This was so new. Having a friend actually asking and waiting for an answer instead of running off to flirt with some girls.

There were a multitude of ways Robbe could’ve explained his relationship with his dad. The fact that his last positive memory of them was from when he was 8. The fact that he had to go to sleep for 5 years to the lullaby of parental arguing. The fact that, despite his mother’s mental state being difficult to live with, he hated how his father had been so dismissive and used Robbe to guilt trip her. Even at 11, he knew that was wrong.

But instead he kept it simple.

‘It’s just better if I’m not there. It’ll all go smoother,’

‘I get it. It used to be the same with my parents,’ she began but before she could go on, they heard Milan showing Mr IJzermans out and a door closing. He was certainly curious about Zoe’s situation but was more eager to find out how the flat viewing had gone. From behind Zoe, he caught a glimpse of the man and heard Milan bidding him a good evening.

Barely a beat after the door closed, Zoe opened hers.

‘And?’ they both asked.

Milan walked towards them with an illegible expression.

‘I don’t know how to say this in a positive way,’ he began. This wasn’t good. As predicted, there was something. There was always something.

‘I’ve been talking to your father for a while and…’ Robbe already knew where this was heading. His father was being stubborn and insistent, desperate to look good in front of his new girlfriend by “saving” his son from his “crazy” ex wife.

‘Yes, I understand his situation.’

“His” situation. This didn’t involve him. He’d taken the decision to leave Robbe’s life 12 months ago - why did this have to involve him? There was no situation about it. Why did it not make sense to live here? Whether his dad liked the people or not, the rent was definitely something he could afford, it was closer to the school… Surely this would be the perfect spot.

‘Look, Robbe, you just need the necessary support now and guidance to guide you through this difficult phase.’

_ Difficult phase _ . He hated that phrase.

‘That’s why I really agree with your father,’ Milan began to hand over the rent agreement paper, ‘that it’s best if you do it with us!’

His voice broke in the last 3 words. Robbe furrowed his eyebrows and looked down at the paper. As Zoe leaned in to look he recognised his father’s signature.

‘Read and approved!’ Milan exclaimed, a big smile breaking out on his face.

‘Oh my god! Seriously!?’ Zoe exclaimed. His heart leapt and Robbe couldn’t help but mirror the excitement on his face as Milan ruffled his hair back to its original style.

‘I’ve never been so serious. It was so tiring!’ Milan complained as Zoe hugged him. Once Zoe pulled away he straightened his posture.

‘Now, welcome to Casa Milan,’

Robbe was in the middle of thanking him when Zoe butted in.

‘And what about us?’

‘And Zoe and Senne,’ he quickly added on. ‘Zoenne. Welcome to Casa Milan and Zoenne!’

The older man then went in to hug Robbe and he quickly stepped back. He panicked. He didn’t mean to but the memory of when his new flatmate had last stepped so close shot back and he panicked.

Milan seemed to be on the same track.

‘What, is that too soon?’ he asked and instead offered a fist bump while Zoe called Lisa to let her know about the newest addition to the flatshare.

‘Thank you for letting me in your room-,’ Robbe began.

‘Take me to my room,’ Lisa demanded. ‘Then I can show you when you arrive where to keep your hands off-,’

‘Lisa, I’ll take your room and Robbe will go into mine,’ Milan quickly resolved, ‘because I’m entitled to the biggest room I think, as the oldest resident.’

‘Milan, okay, but don’t touch my stuff,’ she warned.

‘Lisa, I’ve been through your stuff a long time ago and there’s nothing interesting about it. You don’t have to worry. It’ll be okay,’

‘Okay but don’t touch my stuff!’ Lisa warned once more before they hung up.

‘Lisa’s room. It’s so boring in there. It can’t be done!’ Milan explained. ‘The 3rd drawer on the left in Zoe’s room, that’s different.’

The implications of the comment and Zoe’s attempt at feigning innocence had them all giggling until they headed back into the living room. Robbe received a message from his dad, letting him know about rent payment. He looked up and around at his new home, feeling an enormous amount of gratitude to Zoe for offering him the space, and to Milan who somehow managed to get on the good side of his dad. And despite the slur at the party, seemed to be willing to let Robbe stay with them the next few months. He couldn’t help but grin and followed after.

‘So is tomorrow good for you? Do you need any help bringing things over?’ Milan asked as Robbe re-entered the living room. 

‘I could probably get last period off again if you need a hand?’ Zoe offered but Robbe shook his head.

‘No should be good. I don’t have many things,’

‘Okay. Just remember to turn off all the lights before you leave. Oh and empty your fridge and turn that off too,’ Zoe reminded him.

‘The fridge?’

‘Yeah. You don’t want food to go mouldy or waste electricity!’

‘Um…’ he trailed off. It then hit him how many things he’d have to do, other than packing, before leaving his mum’s house.

‘You sure you don’t want that help?’

‘Er maybe? Just the turning things off bit?’

‘What’s your last period? So we can get you sorted in time for the party,’

‘I only have till 8th on Fridays. And party?’

‘Ooh yeah. A house warming, to welcome you of course!’ Milan seemed to be very excited at the prospect of a party.

‘I can get Senne to take his car and pick up some things from Aldi on his way back from uni so we’ll be well stocked!’

‘Yeah?’ 

The grins on their faces made it impossible to say no, even if he had wanted to. 

18/10/19 Vrijdag 20:54

Much to Robbe’s surprise, there were many things that had to be done to his house before he left, all of which had come with a checklist. Make sure everything was unplugged - including lamps, computers, kitchen appliances, the washing machine. Next was to strip the beds so that the sheets wouldn’t get dusty. They then checked all the sell by dates for the food in the cupboards and filled up a bag of things to bring back to the flatshare. It was then that Robbe realised that it might be difficult to bring his bike, skateboard, and a suitcase on his own so he was retrospectively grateful that Zoe had asked. 

It wasn’t difficult to get word out about the party to their friend group. Nor was it difficult to get them all to turn up. Noor was the last one to turn up, probably because Robbe only remembered to invite her after Zoe reminded him on their way back to the flatshare. She had turned up alone, just as Yasmina left, and was questioned by Milan before making her way over to Robbe.

‘Hey,’

‘Hey,’

‘Everything good?

‘Mm,’

They exchanged through sweet, chaste kisses. When he managed to look away from her, Moyo and Aaron, with whom he’d been chatting with, had gone, replaced by Zoe. Noor promptly pulled away from her boyfriend to greet the blonde.

‘Hey! Glad you could make it!’

‘Glad I could come!’

‘Where’s Britt? She told us you’d be coming together?’ Zoe asked. Noor shook her head.

‘No, she got into an argument with Sander and told me to go without her,’ she explained.

‘Sander?’ Robbe enquired.

‘Her boyfriend. He goes to the Art Academy so you won’t know him,’ she explained. Robbe nodded nonchalantly and let the girls carry on the conversation as they stepped into the living room. 

Music was playing, people were dancing, wine was drunk. Noor pulled him in to dance, whispering seductive messages into his ear. And the more clingy she got, the more uncomfortable he became. Moyo and Aaron had suggested earlier that they might go all the way tonight. And that scared him more than he cared to admit.

The messages he was receiving were getting hotter and hotter and soon enough Noor was asking him to show her his room. She was pulling him out of the party and down the hallway. His heart was thumping through his chest, and not in a good way, but he was lost for excuses to pull away. 

Almost as if there was a god looking over him, Noor’s phone rang just before they got to his door. She frowned, letting go of his hands and checking the called ID.

‘It’s Britt,’ she sighed. ‘I should probably take it.’

Robbe nodded politely but internally was so relieved.

‘Hey Britt, what’s up?... Kinda? But go ahead… What happened this time?... Britt, you two break up every 4 weeks… What makes this one any different?... Oh… Fuck… Do you need some-... No, no! It’s okay. Bros before hoes right? Or however our version of that saying goes… Give me an hour… See you soon!’ and she hung up before turning to Robbe.

‘I’m so sorry, I have to go. Britt and Sander just broke up, like for real,’ she began explaining. He quirked his eyebrow at the “for real”. She noticed.

‘Sander… has some shit in his life. It kinda makes him break up with her every month or so. But it seems legit this time,’

He nodded.

‘So she needs me. I’m sorry,’ Her expression genuinely was apologetic. So he gave her a reassuring smile.

‘It’s okay. We’ve got some ice cream in the freezer if you need that?’ he offered. ‘Isn’t that what girls need after a break up?’

His last comment earned him a sweet smile. He tried to make his heart flutter from that. He really did.

‘It’s okay, I don’t want to be taking your ice cream,’

‘It’s my mama’s. We just took it because it goes out of date soon so you might as well. All the shops are closed anyway,’

Noor leaned in to capture his lips with hers, planting a kiss that should’ve made his stomach flip and his heart soar.

‘If you’re sure,’

He nodded and pulled away, quickly running to the kitchen, bumping into Zoe who was arranging a 2nd plate of snacks.

‘You okay?

‘Yeah. Where did we put the ice cream?’ he asked her.

‘The freezer. Lower door,’ she replied. ‘I am bringing these into the room you know?’ 

He smiled and shook his head.

‘No, I think Britt just got dumped so Noor’s going over with ice cream,’ he explained, pulling out the cold box and shaking it. ‘Is that okay? I thought it’s a bit too cold to eat ice cream any other time.’

She nodded.

‘No yeah go ahead. I’m sure Milan would beg to disagree but it’s really sweet of you to help like that,’ she said with a smile. He shrugged in response. What else was there to say? Even if he didn’t feel it in his heart, at least he knew he could play the role of a supportive boyfriend well outwardly.

Noor left not too long afterwards with a goodbye kiss to send her off into the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Twitter for updates!
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	2. They Broke Up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Significantly shorter than the last one, I know. It just kinda made sense to split it up this way. Also from now on, it'll probably be weekly updates, I just had this one already written.  
> Enjoy!

21/10/19 Maandag 12:32

The quartet had been lucky enough to bagsie a large picnic table in the courtyard for lunch, and so they could brainstorm ideas for their next video on their vlog channel, the thing that’d filled up their summer.

‘I’m editing Eenvoud but we need to be on top of things. Ideas that’ll get those views man!’ Moyo began the meeting by saying.

‘Wait, you’re not actually uploading that are you?’ Robbe asked, stopping in his tracks.

‘Why do you think we did it?’

He buried his face in his arms, wanting to already die from the embarrassment. He genuinely thought that’d been a joke, the rap song that he got the boys to write turning into an actual music video. But rapping seemed to be an aspiration of Moyo’s, and he couldn’t lie, he was pretty good at it.

‘Dude, it’s not that bad. It was your idea,’ Jens argued. Robbe rolled his eyes and looked up.

‘Yeah okay, whatever.’ He knew he wouldn’t win. There was rarely any winning against Moyo.

‘Guys, I think it’s time to initiate Aaron onto the channel,’ Moyo suggested. Robbe smirked, a multitude of pranks coming to mind.

‘We could get him to do all the challenges we’ve already done in one video?’ Robbe offered. The other two original members of the Broerrrs liked this idea, whilst Aaron shook his head.

‘Not everything!’

‘Maybe not the first one, I don’t know if we can tape him to a wall,’ Jens rationalised.

They carried on reviewing all their past challenges and pranks, picking out which ones they’d get Aaron to do and didn’t notice the girls coming up to them.

‘Hey!’ Amber chirped, interrupting Aaron mid-sentence. Who immediately stopped and scrambled for a response.

‘Oh- A-amber! Hey!’ The boys were smirking at their friend’s poor attempt to woo his crush.

‘We just wanted to know whether you guys were good for next week?’ she asked.

‘Next week?’ Jens questioned.

‘Yeah, Zoe didn’t you tell Robbe about it?’ she asked back to the other blonde of the group. It was then that the memory of Zoe telling him about Amber’s idea hit him.

‘Ah fuck, sorry. I forgot to mention it!’ Robbe apologised. 

‘What?’

‘I thought we could all have a trip to the sea during Herfstvakantie! I’ve found a cheap campsite with dorms and bunk beds, and there’s 2 Delhaizes nearby so we can cook healthy meals. And if you four come, and Robbe, you can invite Noor, we’ll be a group of 11 so we can get a discount on the train!’ Amber explained. Robbe rolled his eyes. A week away at the beach did sound nice, but being around Amber all the time? And Noor? As much as he really did like hanging with her, he could tell she was wanting to go further. And with no school or parents to intervene, it was going to be much harder avoiding it this time.

‘Wait 11? Who else is coming?’ Jens asked.

‘Well it’s us 4,’ she began, excluding Yasmina from the grouping, ‘hopefully you 4, Noor, Britt and Sander!’

‘Sander?’ Moyo questioned the new name.

‘Didn’t they break up?’ Robbe asked. He received a look from Amber.

‘No. Where did you hear that?’

‘Noor. She left early on Friday to go see her,’ he explained.

‘Ah, that’s what  _ she _ says,’ Moyo joked, clearly still not over the fact that Robbe had managed to so smoothly seduce and get with Noor.

‘Oh, and you gave her your mama’s ice cream right?’ Zoe chipped in, ignoring Moyo’s comment. Robbe nodded.

‘Well,’ Amber started, shrugging, ‘she says they’re both coming so maybe they made up?’ Robbe didn’t want to push the topic any further so let it slide.

‘So what do you say? A week at the beach?’

‘Yeah, that sounds great!’ Aaron responded without a moment’s hesitation. The boys, after looking at each other and nodding, also agreed.

A week at the beach. With a new guy to befriend. Robbe didn’t want to get his hopes up, but felt somewhat positive and excited about it.

25/10/19 Vrijdag 15:00

‘Come on Robbe! We don’t want to miss the train!’ Zoe called down the hallway as Robbe scrambled to throw his phone and headphone charger and wallet into his bag. Not even a minute later, he appeared out of his room, large grey bag in hand, to see Zoe dressed up and ready to go.

‘Give me a minute,’ he said as he quickly reached to throw his shoes on.

‘Do you have everything? Phone, ticket, toothbrush?’ she asked. He nodded, standing up from lacing up his shoes.

‘Yep! Ready.’

The two then said their farewells to Milan, the only present flatmate, and headed towards the Antwerpen-Berchem station, where they’d promised to meet the others.

‘You excited?’ she asked once they’d crossed the junction by the flatshare and began heading down Prins Alberlei. He shrugged and nodded.

‘Yeah, should be good. You? Looking forward to sleeping through the night?’ he asked, recounting the blonde’s complaints of Senne’s snoring. She laughed and nodded.

‘Yep. I don’t know about Britt or Noor but none of the girls snore quite so loudly,’

‘I mean, I’ve slept in a tent with Jana, and…’ Robbe began.

‘Don’t they split boys and girls up at camp?’

He nodded.

‘They do but one summer we went on an actual hike and me and Jana got lost and we only had one tent between us so…’ he explained. ‘I suppose that was a few years ago…’

‘You’d think she’d change huh?’ Zoe inputted. The two broke into laughter when they realised what she said.. ‘Don’t tell her I said that!’

‘Oh she's heard all about her sleeping volume!’

They recovered quickly after getting some looks from older walkers down the street.

‘She’s not that loud,’ Zoe carried on. ‘It’s quite cute actually. And at least we won’t be sleeping in the same bed.’

Robbe hummed to acknowledge he was listening.

‘Although I think Amber’s planning on saving the double room for you and Noor. I hope you brought protection!’ she said, nudging him and winking. Robbe’s smile dropped, realising what sharing a double bed would mean. He’d already turned her down twice. How much longer would he be able to make excuses?

‘What about Britt and Sander then?’

Zoe shrugged.

‘I don’t know. She wasn’t in school today, apparently more drama went down so we’ll see if they turn up.’

They fell back into silence as they crossed a large road. It wasn’t until they passed the garage on Boomgaardstraat that the conversation picked up again.

‘Robbe, you know you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to?’ Zoe began. He frowned, unsure on what she was referring to. ‘I’m sure Noor would understand if you told her?’

Ah. That. Maybe having a friend as perceptive as Zoe wasn’t always a good thing.

‘Who says I don’t want to?’ he said, perhaps a little too defensively.

‘No one,’ she quickly replies. ‘No one. It’s just… Only do it if you really want to. Not just to impress Moyo and Jens. It’s not worth it to impress your friends. Trust me.’

Robbe looked over, wanting to retaliate further but stopped himself. Zoe’s expression gave him the impression that she may have been speaking from personal experience rather than knowing any secrets of his. So he simply nodded.

15:23

Zoe and Robbe arrived at the front of the station, and were surprisingly the last to arrive.

‘Alright. Now that we’re all here, let’s go!’ Amber announced.

‘What about Britt?’ Zoe inquired.

‘Looks like you were right Robbe. They broke up. Britt texted earlier. She said she might come tomorrow but Sander definitely isn’t,’ Amber explained.

‘He hasn’t asked for his money back though so we still get the discount,’ Luca merrily inputted, earning a glare from Miss Snoeckx herself. The group began trooping into the station, Amber, obviously, taking the lead.

‘I suppose we’ll stay just the 4 Broerrrs then,’ Moyo said as they began to follow the group.

‘Don’t worry,’ Noor began, taking Robbe’s hand, ‘Sander’s way too cool to want to be a Broerrr.’

Robbe really couldn’t deny how awesome Noor was. Especially when she marched off, pulling him with her after the bite back. And she settled herself next to him, nestling her head on his shoulder as the train departed. Physically, it was nice. Her hair was smooth and not scratching his neck, her hands were smoothed and moisturised. It wasn’t perfect, he didn’t  _ like _ like her yet. But he could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Herfstvakantie is the Belgian/Flemish equivalent of the Autumn half term.
> 
> Follow me on Twitter for updates!
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	3. Lombardsijde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very introspective chapter - took me a while to write but it's here none the less. I did my research on the geography of Belgium and Lombardsijde, as well as mental health but as always if I've gotten anything wrong, please let me know! Enjoy!

26/10/19 Zaterdag 08:10

Robbe had been planning excuses for not wanting to go further with Noor for each night of the trip whilst on the train. The first night, they would obviously be because they’re too tired. Another night he could pull out the “stress with his mum” card. At the inevitable Halloween party, he could get really drunk, so that Noor wouldn’t want to sleep with him. So he had 3 nights accounted for by the time they arrived. Until Noor decided to be the one to get really drunk on the first night, not Halloween, and throw up before they could take off their jackets. He initially thought one of his excuses had been thrown away until Jana mentioned seeing a notice on the camping park’s website for paintball equipment, suggesting a day of paintballing. The perfect excuse for being too tired.

Spending the evening with Noor in the double room wasn’t as bad as he thought it’d be. Once they’d cleaned her up, she was out like a lightbulb. He went to bed not too long after, quietly slipping under the covers, careful not to wake her.

And he woke up early. Like a lot earlier than he would on a normal Saturday. And just after 8am, he decided it was late enough to actually get out of bed. He rolled over to see Noor still sleeping peacefully. Envy shot through his body at the relaxed expression on her face. He had also been nervous that she might cuddle up closer to him, but luckily, she hadn’t stirred.

Once out of bed, he quickly pulled on some clothes, grabbed his phone and headphones from their respective chargers, and headed outside as quietly as he could.

Minutes later Robbe found himself sat in one of the grassy dunes, looking out into the North Sea. In the solitude of the landscape, surrounded with only the early morning wind and beats of Stormzy, he swallowed himself into his thoughts. 

Noor. Noor was objectively beautiful. She was cute and sweet and really cool. She rode a motor scooter, sprayed, and went to a fancy arts school. She was the ideal girlfriend and somehow, she’d fallen for him. So he tried. Robbe tried to be the boyfriend Noor deserved. When she kissed him, he kissed back. He forced his focus onto her lips. They were soft and usually painted. When she leaned into him, he took her hand and interlaced their fingers, sometimes looking at what colour her nails were that day, sometimes noticing calluses on her fingers from her attempts at learning guitar. She deserved so much, and Robbe would be a fool to not give it to her. So he made a vow on that dune, that even if right now he doesn’t feel it, he will keep working, and pretending until he does.

His mind drifted over to the other big stress in his life - his mum. She’d always been a bit wild and intense when he was a kid, which only made him giggle in the good times. His dad would usually try to take over during the bad times, which meant sending him over to Jens’ house, or another friend’s place. He enjoyed it most of the time and any doubts little Robbe raised were quickly ironed out by some fabricated story from his dad. He was 8 when his mother got diagnosed with schizophrenia. They initially prescribed her some medicines and a year later suggested family therapy, where the three of them would sit down together and basically give his mum a therapy session. Whilst on paper it made things seem better, in reality they began getting worse. Because the bit about family therapy his dad had failed to remember was support and kindness. The arguments began when he was 11. And he would often be the cause of them. He recalled one time, when he first asked his mum whether he could join the scouts with Jens, Jana, and Britt. She had freaked out and was deluded at what the scouts camp included. She yelled at him and sent him to his room. That evening when his dad came home from work, the usual chat got louder. Which was when Robbe decided to creep out of his room and onto the landing to try and hear better.

‘Ines, it’s a summer camp for kids! They play games and learn how to tie knots and they’re supervised! It’s not dangerous!’

‘But sending him into a jungle? With just his friends? He’ll be murdered, Randolf!

‘For god’s sake! Every child does it - he will not be murdered!’

‘Utoeya Island.’ It was quiet but after a quick google search, Robbe understood what she said.

‘What?’

‘Norway, 2011. 85 people were _murdered_ at a youth camp on Utoeya Island! I will not let our Robbe become one of them!’

‘That was Norway, 3 years ago. 3 years! It won’t happen. Besides, it’ll be good for Robbe to get out the house this summer-,’

‘Get away from me you mean?’

‘That’s not what I s-,’

‘No but you meant it. Everytime, you keep trying to hide my son from me,’

‘That is not true Ines, you know that’s not true. Besides, do you _want_ him to see you on your bad days?’

‘He’s my son. I want him to see me whenever I want!’

The tone of his mother’s voice frightened him. Truly. He’d never heard her get so angry or hysterical. He quickly ran back to his room, not wanting to hear anymore, wishing that would be the first and last row he would hear.

Fast forward 5 years, his dad has a new girlfriend, his mum’s in the hospital, and Robbe’s… Somehow floating in the sea. Somehow, and just about, keeping himself afloat with his dad getting on his nerves and his desperation to help his mum. This was without mentioning the whole Noor thing, as well as exams. Being in 5th year meant he was now in the 3rd and final cycle of school. It meant preparations for the final exams and arrangements for university were finally kicking off. And it meant that having any other issues outside of school, meant often having to compromise standards of homework and suffice with a lower grade, simply so that he could make sure his mum took her medicine on a good day.

With the thoughts of his mum lingering, he decided to send her a text, letting her know that he wouldn’t be able to visit her this week.

28/10/19 Maandag 15:10

The group decided to follow through on Jana’s suggestion of paintballing. Once they were all kitted up in camouflage jumpsuits, helmets, and of course, paintball guns, the group headed on over to the beach, splitting into a girls vs boys match. As if reading Robbe’s mind, Moyo acted as predicted.

‘But that’s not fair. There’s 6 of you, and 4 of us!’

‘Scared you’re going to lose?’ Luca called back. The boys didn’t push it any further and ran over to their side of the dunes. And the game began.

Shots were fired, bruises were formed, and this was the day that Robbe learned that Aaron had a bunny onesie. Running around the beach, jumping behind dunes. It was quite apparent that no one had the desire to sunbathe as everyone had subconsciously chosen the last dunes before the sandy part of the beach to be the barrier.

The group spent 2 hours paintballing and despite being thoroughly exhausted by the time they returned the equipment, plans for the day were not over yet. Amber insisted on exploring a bit further than the campsite, leading them all on a trek. Half an hour later they ended up at the ferry point between Nieuwpoort-Bad and Lombardsje.

‘It’s a shame the ferries aren’t running,’ Zoe sighed.

‘Yeah, there’s loads of shops and bars in Nieuwpoort,’ Noor inputted. ‘We stayed there during the summer once a few years ago.’

‘Doesn’t the bus we took go there? We could go shopping tomorrow or something?’ Britt suggested. Robbe noticed the initially chatty Amber, suddenly quiet. Recognising the particular type of quiet, he realised that the girls discussing going elsewhere might suggest that they’re not enjoying the holiday she’d organised. And as much as she annoyed him, he didn’t want anyone else feeling the way he did with his friends.

‘Aren’t there a few shops and bars around here? I thought I saw some from the bus,’ he offered.

‘Yeah but the closest ones are all super expensive. Like €20 for a burger expensive. Nieuwpoort has some places we can actually afford,’ Zoe explained.

‘Yeah, there’s a bar near the beach that does burger, fries, and a drink for €6!’ Jana said, receiving a grin and a hi-five from Jens.

‘And we can get things for the halloween prank!’ Moyo exclaimed.

‘Halloween prank?’ Robbe raised an eyebrow.

‘Ah - not for you mister! You’re sleeping with the enemy! We can’t have one of our own spill our secrets!’

Robbe rolled his eyes, deciding not to push the topic further. Because if he did, he’d say that he doesn’t speak all that much about himself when alone with Noor in the bedroom, and just listens to her. He’d complain that he feels like he’s been left out of the group. But that would prompt more examples, most of which being when they talk about girls, and Robbe was certainly not telling anyone about that.

So he shrugged it off, hoping no one would notice. Which is where he would be wrong. 

The group turned back after agreeing to a daytrip to Nieuwpoort, and headed back to the cabin. On the walk, Noor slipped by his side, slipping her hand into his and gently leaning against him. He grasped her hand and leant back with a smile because that was what he’d seen a couple do on their way to the ferry port. Their pace slowed and once they ended up at the back of the group out of hearing distance of the others, he wondered whether Noor had done that on purpose.

‘You know I don’t mind sleeping with the girls for a few nights if you want to help the boys with the prank?’ she spoke softly. The offer panged his heart. As much as he was dying to have a bed and room to himself again, he didn’t want to come running to the boys with his tail between his legs.

‘It’s okay. I don’t mind sitting this one out,’ he said, squeezing her hand to try to convince her.

‘Alright…’ she trailed off, evidently with something else on her mind.

‘What is it?’

‘It’s just… I just want you to know that I know we met at a party and we haven’t _talked_ a lot, but… If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.’

Fuck. Why did she have to be so sweet? Why did she have to fall for him? Him of all people! The fact that his mind jumped straight to the thought that this would make the inevitable breakup hurt a lot more, made him think. The _inevitable_ break up. He already knew it was inevitable. But what did that mean?

Before he could let himself get too carried away in his thoughts, he realised Noor was still waiting for a reply. So he smiled at her, kissing the side of her head.

‘I know.’

31/10/19 Donderdag 21:34

It’d been a long week. A long week and not nearly as relaxing as he thought it’d be. What with having to come up with excuses to not go further than kissing and cuddling with Noor, the occasional insensitive comment about social status or sexuality from Moyo, and virtually no alone time. He longed to be able to lock himself in his bedroom, just for a day, and maybe the threads in his head would be able to detangle themselves. But instead, people were constantly around him, and his thoughts tied themselves into a gordian knot. It was frustrating.

The group, as expected, found a Halloween party to attend. The girls, namely Zoe and Noor, did everyone's makeup, even the boys, costumes were adorned, and pre-drinks consumed. 

When they arrived, it was apparent that there was a neon, UV theme. Bright white clothing glowed as dark eyes glowered above them. Noor found some UV spray paint, and dragging Robbe to a colourful wall, sprayed their initials surrounded by a heart.

Music played on and on and he was growing tired, his feet, head, and eyelids heavy. He allowed himself to get dragged along with Noor whenever she wanted to dance, or get a drink, or just sit and makeout. The more he kissed her, the more he wanted to stop. Weren’t you meant to feel all tingly and happy and dizzy when you kiss someone you love? Wasn’t there meant to be fireworks? Wasn’t he meant to not want to stop?

All he could feel with Noor, was lips moving against his own, with an occasional a lick of the tongue. And what made it worse, was that she was smiling, and happy, and clearly very into it.

By about 11pm, he returned after excusing himself to the toilet, to find her jumping and dancing and drinking with Jana and Jens not too far away. He leant against a wall, scanning his eyes over the crowd to try and find his friends. He spotted Zoe and Britt dancing together, Zoe evidently looking out for the newly dumped. He saw Moyo and Aaron getting more drunk by the minute and hitting on different girls at the same time. He found Amber and Luca, sipping through straws and knee-deep in some gossip. Checking the time on his phone, it was 23:05. They’d been at it for a good 3 hours. It’d been long enough for him to claim fatigue and get the bus home. So he headed over to Noor.

‘Robbe! Baby!’ she yelled, grabbing his arm and slipping her arms around his waist.. The term of endearment falling from her mouth didn’t sit quite right when stuck on him.

‘Noor,’ he spoke, loud enough to be heard over the music, but not quite yelling. She didn’t seem to hear him the first time so he leaned over to speak in her ear. ‘Noor, I’m quite tired. I think I’m going to head back now.’

The frown on her face hurt.

‘Noo stay! We only just got here!’ she pouted, sticking her bottom lip out.

‘I don’t want to have a hangover tomorrow and I still have some packing to do,’ he improvised. Just then, he felt a clap on the pack.

‘Shots Robbe! Come on!’ Jens yelled. But Robbe shook his head, but still using that as an excuse to untangle from Noor.

‘Nah man, I think I’m going to head back,’

‘Dude! It’s only…’ the taller friend stopped to take out his phone and check the time. ‘It’s only 11 man!’

‘Yeah I know, but I’m tired. And we are going to be on a 2 hour train journey tomorrow,’ he explained.

‘Alright dude. Well-,’ before he could carry on, a drunk Jana launched herself onto him, shouting something about the song or dancing.

‘Stay safe!’ Jens called as the brunette on his back pulled him away.

‘Do you want me to come with you?’ Noor asked, reintroducing her existence into Robbe’s world. She said it in a seductive manner, pushing herself closer against him. But he shook his head, stepping back.

‘No, you stay. Enjoy the party. I’ll text you when I’m back.’

And finally he left. On his way to the bus stop, he relished in the quiet of the night and muted beats of the clubs. Once on the bus, he finally let his mind thoroughly think about his time at the beach.

There had been moments of relief - when they all went paintballing. Letting out some of his frustration through shooting paint filled pellets at the girls, and the odd “accidental” one at Moyo, had been somewhat satisfying. Delving into a burger from Delissio on Nieuwpoort beach, sat next to his Broerrrs was a sweet moment he savoured. The one warm day of the week when they dared to go into the sea. Something about messing around in ice cold salt water from the North Sea, something about the unanimous shivering just reminded Robbe why he was friends with these people. And that reminder certainly helped on every other day of the trip when he’d either be stolen away by Noor to kiss or cuddle, or the boys to film a vlog, or, to his surprise, help prepare the halloween prank because it turned out they needed a 4th Broerrr to pull it off.

There was this strange pit in him that was beginning to make him lose the true motivation to do anything. It was almost a numbness. Physically, he was fine. Nothing had happened. And mentally… Well… He could laugh along and make the odd degrading joke about one of the boys, or pull Noor closer and copy things he’d seen in movies like kissing the top of her head, or stroke her hand when they were clasped. But the more he carried on, the more fake he felt. Every night when Noor would cuddle up to him, or when she would move her hand to his belt during a heavy makeout session, it would get harder. It was going in the opposite direction to what he imagined. It was getting harder and harder to kid himself but he had to keep going because he had no excuses. Or no excuses he could tell them. There was of course one excuse. The one excuse that he’d sworn to never let resurface after he wrecked his best friend’s relationship over it. The once excuse he knew was a guaranteed way to get Moyo to stop being his friend. The one excuse that he daren’t let anyone know about because he could already see their disgusted faces. He could already see them turning their backs on him. He could see himself alone.

But.

He could also see how much it’d hurt Noor if he carried on much longer. He could see how much he was hurting himself if he carried on much longer.

Robbe zipped up his bag and climbed into their bed, grateful for the solitude. And as he lay, staring up at the ceiling, that was when he made his decision. He had to break up with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to article about the youth camp murders in Norway
> 
> [HERE](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14259356)
> 
> Follow me on Twitter for updates!
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	4. You Think? Or You Know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weekly updates who?  
> This was meant to be combined with the next chapter buuut I thought there was a nice parting between the two so I tried fleshing this one out a little more. Also Sander is coming soon. I promise!  
> Enjoy! :)

03/11/19 Zondag 18:10

Since he’d gotten back from the trip, Robbe had practically locked himself in his bedroom, claiming he had a lot of homework to catch up on. But truth be told, he’d already done a fair amount of it prior and finished the rest on the day he arrived back. He spent the rest of the time listening to music. Or lying on the bed, or mindlessly watching a tv show on his laptop. Anything to avoid human interaction. On the Friday evening, whilst everyone in the flatshare was busy, he even snuck out to the nearest Carrefour to pick up some supplies in preparation to lock himself in his room all weekend, only emerging for bathroom breaks.

He had sent his mum a text, reassuring her that he got back safe and that he’d visit the following week, and forced his family situation out of his head. There was a more pressing matter at hand; Noor. And how to break up with her.

It was for the best, he knew that. He didn’t want to hurt her further than he already would be doing. But what would he say?

He could be blunt and just say that he’d not into her anymore. They met at a party, she kind of forced the relationship, he played along. It’d make sense. But he could already see the pained look on her face and how, even though he didn’t like her in that way, it would break his heart to see her get hurt like that. And he’d blame himself further for being the cause of that hurt.

He could blame it on something else - his mum. She’d just been hospitalised for schizophrenia, he had to move out. There was already a fair amount of shit in his life without Noor, he could just say he couldn’t deal with a relationship on top of it. But that wasn’t the complete truth. And he’d be falling deeper into the well. 

Something told him that perhaps this was the time, and this was the person, to actually start being honest with. To voice out loud, for the first time, that he doesn’t like girls.

As if on cue, there was a knock on the door, accompanied by a sweet and fresh scent.

‘Robbe?’ Zoe’s voice floated through the wood and glass. ‘Robbe I know you’ve got homework but we’ve just come back from the bakery if you wanted a break.’

Worry and concern was laced in her tone. It’d be rude not to respond.

‘Thanks,’ he called back quietly and deadpan, ignoring his stomach quietly grumbling. When at Carrefour, he’d underestimated exactly what and how much he’d need that weekend.

‘And Robbe? Um… I saw Noor today and she says you haven’t texted her since you got back. She’s worried.’

What was he meant to do with this information? It’s not as if he was going to rush over to comfort her, only to break up not long afterwards.

His lack of response worried his roommate.

‘Robbe, is everything okay between you two? She didn’t force you to do anything-?’ she began but he quickly shook his head.

‘No, everything’s fine. I’ve just had a lot of homework,’ he replied with a cold tone. There was a voice in his head telling him to take a kinder tone but stubbornness refused to let the voice have its way.

‘Okay. Well, we’ll save you a pastry just in case,’ she said and lingered a moment, as if hoping for a response, before leaving.

Robbe flipped back over onto his bed, his mind temporarily blank in an attempt to go back into deep thought. 

He should text Noor, he thought. But what would be appropriate? He couldn’t exactly text a sweet “thinking of you” when he was planning on breaking up with her right? He wasn’t exactly an expert in relationships, but he knew that wasn’t okay.

21:48

For the next few hours, Robbe mapped out and tried to imagine different scenarios for how the break up would go. 

One option he thought of was inviting her to a restaurant, just blame it on his parents, and leave. Whilst on the one hand, that would get it done and he could carry on living as he used to, whichever way he looked at it, it was harsh. Leaving her in the middle of a restaurant, in a public space, she may have even ordered something before he’d pluck up the courage to do it, was downright cruel. And obviously, being a public and crowded space, that tossed out the option of telling her the truth at risk of being overheard.

Another would be to invite her over to play a video game or watch a film. He’d make her a drink and tell her that he couldn’t handle a relationship on top of the shit with his parents. That was certainly a gentler manner of breaking up but with nowhere for him to run, she might ask questions. And asking questions would result in him getting angrier and more rude. Chances of him blowing up at her were high and possibly spilling the truth accidentally was definitely there.

The third, and last way, he devised, was just texting her. She didn’t go to his school so he wouldn’t bump into her there, he could take his bike or even skip the last class to avoid bumping into her afterwards. But that was low, even for his standards, and shittier than his first option. He knew that. And he knew it’d eat him up inside.

But he was at the end of his wits with no other options forming in his brain. So he rolled off the bed, and flopped down into the chair by the desk.

Opening the notes app in his phone, he began to draft a message, when there was a knock on his bedroom door.

‘Robbe? It’s Milan,’ his roommate’s voice poked through the door. ‘Can I come in?’

Without a response, the older boy had pushed down the door handle and made his way into his old room. In his hand was a small plate supporting a croissant flooding over the rim, which he thrust at Robbe.

‘Here. I haven’t seen you leave this room in… 56 hours,’ Milan explained. Robbe reluctantly took the plate, considering the only other option seemed to be letting the plate fall to the floor. Even before he sat down on his bed, Robbe could sense what Milan would say next.

‘What’s up?’ 

As predicted.

Robbe shook his head and shrugged.

‘Nothing-,’

‘No this isn’t nothing,’ Milan cut across. ‘What’s up?’

‘Nothing! I told you,’

‘So you locking yourself in your bedroom all weekend is nothing?’

‘I had homework-,’

‘That took all weekend? With no breaks?’

‘Yeah-,’

‘Robbe, I saw you doing your work before the holidays-’

‘I had more! Is that so hard to believe?’

Silence fell between the two.

‘Does it have something to do with whatever you’re writing on your notes?’ he asked with a gentler tone, nodding towards Robbe’s unlocked phone on the desk.

Robbe sighed as the realisation hit him, that his roommate might be the perfect person to talk to. Someone who knows him, but not his past. Someone who may have experienced something similar. So he tried.

He tried to form the words. But words were never a forte of his. Milan seemed to have noticed a change in expression.

‘Hey, you can talk to me you know?’ he offered, gently tapping the younger room occupant’s knee.

‘I…’ Robbe began. There were a multitude of things he could say to start it off.  _ I don’t like girls _ , or,  _ I want to break up with Noor _ , or,  _ I feel like my brain is on fire from thinking so much _ .

‘Yeah? That’s a start. I…?’ Milan egged him on. Robbe gave a small smile at the boy’s attempt to ease the air. His thoughts began to slow down. The problem, in a way, stemmed from Noor. Right? So maybe he could start there.

‘It… It’s Noor,’ he concluded.

‘Mm? And what with her?’

He took a deep breath.

‘I… I think I’m going to break up with her.’

‘Oh. I thought it was going well?’

Robbe nodded. It was true. It was going well. So well. Too well.

‘But…?’

He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t get the words out, they were stuck in his throat. He felt physically sick from the amount of thoughts and the words.

Milan seemed to sense him struggling to explain.

‘Why do you want to break up with her?’ he asked, in an attempt to make it easier.

‘Because! Because I’ve got so much shit in my life right now, I don’t want a relationship on top of that all.’

It was the excuse he’d planned to use for Noor, and Milan was his test run.

‘Okay. Is it the concept of a relationship, Noor herself, or something else altogether?’ he asked. Damn he was smart.

‘The c…’ Robbe began but trailed off. His automatic response would be the one that keeps him straight. The one that doesn’t suggest anything else. But a spark had been lit earlier when he realised that he needed to break up with Noor. It’d been growing since he'd voiced for the first time in his head, that he doesn't like girls. And that spark had now grown into a small flame that wanted to so desperately get out. 

‘Noor. I think,’ he said quietly.

‘And what’s wrong with Noor?’

His brain didn’t even fight it. There wasn’t even an inner dialogue saying how there was nothing wrong with Noor. It was now or never.

‘She’s a girl.’

It was almost like something had dropped. There was a second, he could see on Milan’s face, of processing. 

‘And would you rather she was a guy?’ Milan asked, to confirm what the younger boy had just confided.

Robbe nodded. And there was a big grin that greeted him.

‘Are you seriously nervous to tell me,  _ me,  _ that you’re into guys?’ he joked. There was a small part of Robbe that laughed along, but the rest of him, the rest that could feel his heart beating fast and sweat beads forming on his forehead and feel his clammy hands, couldn’t take the joke.

‘You think? Or you know?’ he asked. Robbe shrugged.

‘I don’t know. I’m pretty sure,’ he admitted, almost inaudibly.

‘How are you planning on telling her?’

‘I don’t know…’ he trailed off truthfully. He was still caught up between his first two options and explained them both, not bothering with the third.

Milan sighed.

‘Robbe, this is  _ your _ path so take your time. But I really think it’d be better to tell her the truth,’

‘Why? I don’t go to school with her, it’s not as if we’ll cross paths again,’ Robbe was abrupt and stubborn in his excuse, knowing full well it was a lie. He could probably avoid her, but their paths would definitely cross now that she’d befriended the girls.

‘She seems to be pretty good friends with the girls now, you’ll probably see her at parties at the very least…’

Just as he expected.

‘Look. You care about her, right?’ Milan asked. ‘Platonically,’ he quickly added. Robbe nodded.

‘And you don’t want to hurt her?’

He shook his head.

‘Then the best thing to do is be honest. She seemed fine with me at the party? And she goes to an arts’ school for crying out loud. I’d guess about a third of the school’s either gay or questioning,’

He had a point. And he was right, as much as Robbe hated to admit. But he knew deep down, that honesty would be the best way.

‘It’s just… How? I don’t know how,’

Milan clapped him on the knee again.

‘I can’t tell you that. It has to come from you. But I can suggest maybe at a park or outside? That way it’s not too crowded and you both have an escape if it gets awkward,’ he suggested.

Robbe nodded and just as he was about to say something in response, his flatmate’s phone rang.

‘Ugh,’ he sighed. ‘I have to get this. Look, I’m sure whatever you do, so long as it’s honest, will be okay. And if it’s not, then fuck her.’

Robbe finally managed a full smile, genuinely grateful for his roommate for forcing him to talk. Milan then stood up and made his way out of the room. But just before he closed the door, he hung back for a second.

‘Robbe?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Thank you for telling me.’

04/11/19 Maandag 18:03

Robbe sat anxiously on a bench in Koning Albertpark, awaiting Noor and the text message open in his hand.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Sorry for not texting back. Can we meet tomorrow? x _

He’d added the “x” at the end out of habit of keeping up the affection pretence.

**_Noor:_ ** _ Where? When? _

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Is 18:00 in Koning Albertpark good? By the bandstand? _

**_Noor: 👍_ **

His hands were clammy as he switched over to his notes app. A few articles on the internet had suggested scripting out what to say. So he’d spent the entirety of lunch in the school library writing what he’d say, claiming to the boys that he’d forgotten to do some homework.

He read through the short paragraph three times, the last time, whispering the words quietly to himself. When he looked up, he could see on the other side of the bandstand, Noor. His heart jumped. She wore her usual leather jacket and bold, plum-coloured lipstick, and her black bag hung from her right shoulder. With every step she took closer, his heartbeat quickened. The palm of his hands grew clammier, and despite being below 10 degrees, he began to sweat.

By the time she sat next to him with her bag lying between them, he was trying to suppress hyperventilation as subtly as he could. The way she didn’t throw her arms around him and kiss his cheek, the way she hadn’t even stopped or said anything, made him think - does she know? Had he been that obvious?

A few moments of silence passed, letting his heart slow down a little.

‘Well?’ she eventually said, breaking the quiet. Robbe cleared his throat.

‘I…’ he began. He quickly glanced down at his phone and it was at this point he realised that he hadn’t scripted anything on opening the conversation. He thought back to Milan’s advice.  _ Honesty _ . He turned to her.

‘Look, Noor, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I didn’t text you. It’s just…’ he trailed off again, realising what he’d planned to say a second ago, might sound stupid.

‘Just?’ she picked up.

‘Okay. I need you to know that you’re the most awesome person I know, and I really like you. I do.’ 

Her expression broke as she sensed what was coming and he wanted to stop. But he couldn’t stop now. This was it. A step into a new chapter.

‘But this isn’t working.’

He had to look away because her expression hurt to look at, especially knowing that he’d caused it.

‘What happened?’ her voice broke at the end. Robbe glanced down at his script. Quickly scanning through, he realised reading it word for word would no longer make any sense. So he forced himself to remember his flatmate’s advice. Honesty.

Heart in his mouth and tears pricking his eyes, he spoke.

‘It’s not you, I promise. You’ve been perfect. More than perfect. And I know this might sound really shitty. But it’s been on my mind for a while and I don’t want to hurt you more than I am doing. It’s just…’ This was it. No turning back. ‘I think I don’t like girls this way.’

The area by the bandstand had been empty for the past 5 minutes, so the young boy in a football uniform, passing through, holding his mum’s hand, was a welcome break in the silence, bringing the two back to reality.

Noor’s broken expression pulled together slightly. She opened and closed her mouth a few times and kept it shut for a good minute before speaking again.

‘You think? Or you know?’

He shrugged his shoulders. The last time he’d been asked this question, his answer was definitely the former. But after almost 24 hours of saying it aloud, he was now leaning closer to the latter.

‘I think I know,’ he replied, barely whispering.

‘And how long?’

‘Have I known?’

She nodded.

‘I think there’s always been something. But it wasn’t until the last week or so I’ve been knowing it more,’ he said, dwindling the volume at the end of the sentence as he was unsure whether it grammatically made sense, never mind literally.

‘And was there someone…?’ she didn’t need to finish the question for them both to understand. He shook his head. No, he hadn’t cheated on her.

Another moment of silence passed before she picked up her bag and put it on her shoulder. Had he fucked it up that much?

‘Okay, I don’t want to say something I’ll regret so I’m going to go. I’ll text you when I’m ready to talk some more,’ she said and stood up. It was a fair comment but he began to panic and as she walked away, a strange darkness began creeping over his mind. But before it covered his head completely, she turned around and offered a smile.

‘But thank you for being honest.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, thoughts on a mini SkamNL crossover in this??


	5. The End Of The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll be time jumping quite a bit after this chapter. Also Sander is on his way, I promise.  
> Enjoy!

05/11/20 Dinsdag 12:43

The boys were sat on a small picnic bench to the side of the school courtyard, reminiscing over the beach trip and watching the vlog they’d made during. They laughed and made fun of the girls’ reactions, and sympathetically patted Aaron on the back after remembering his embarrassing attempts to try and flirt with Amber. Moyo raved about a hot girl of whom he got her number from at the Halloween party, but then refused to prove that they’d been texting. Jens, as expected, got teased for getting so close to Jana again. 

‘I don’t know man. She just always throws herself on me when she’s drunk! I can’t control it!’

Robbe had been wearing a gentle smile that lunch break. Once he’d gotten home the night before, he realised how much lighter his brain felt after telling two people about the heaviest secret he’d been carrying for god knows how many years. There was still a weight. What Noor’s true thoughts were. Telling the boys, his Broerrrs, was something that made him want to jump off a cliff instead. But that light feeling, it was right. He knew it. So he decided that he had to tell them soon.

Before he could begin figuring out when or any timescale, he was snapped out of his thoughts by a shove on the shoulder that almost pushed him off the bench.

‘Hey!’ he called out before recognising that it was none other than Britt who’d been the one to shove him, and the one who was standing in front of him now, leaning into one hip and arms crossed.

‘How could you!?’ she asked.

‘What?’ Robbe replied, slightly confused.

‘Dump Noor like that!’

‘What!?’

This time it was Jens exclaiming.

‘Dude why didn’t you tell us?’

‘Yeah, I thought things were going well?’

Fuck. It didn’t surprise him too much that Britt had heard, but had Noor outed him to her? Did Britt know?

Robbe’s heart was beating fast and he could feel his breaths getting shorter. But now was not the time to freak out. He couldn’t afford to do that.

‘Yeah, what did she tell you?’ he asked, praying to whatever god looked over them all, that what he suspected wasn’t true.

‘Just that you dumped her and she won’t say anything else,’

He let go a small sigh of relief and his poker face fell to a more natural resting pose. It wasn’t confirmation that Noor hadn’t said anything, but even if she had, her best friend seemed to not say anything. He hadn’t been outed to his friends.

‘Well there you have it. It’s none of your business,’

‘Er it is my business when it involves my best friend,’

‘Well good for you, you’re not my best friend,’

‘Robbe!  _ You _ dumped her!  _ You _ broke her heart!’

‘What do you want?’

‘An explanation? Why? The two of you seemed perfectly fine last week,’

‘Ah yes and we all know how perfect you are at reading relationships.’

That was a low blow to a freshly dumped and he knew it. He didn’t even need to see Britt’s face to know it was low. But he was so riled up, he didn’t even care to apologise.

‘Really, Britt. What happened between me and Noor is between me and Noor only. So stop sticking your nose in other peoples’ business,’ he said, before picking up his bag and walking off.

‘Robbe!’ he heard Jens call but the last thing he needed was one of his Broerrs.

‘Leave me alone!’ he yelled before heading back into the school.

06/11/19 Woensdag 17:59

Robbe had spent the past two days avoiding people like the plague. His phone received texts from Jens, Jana, and Amber for some reason regarding the whole situation, the latter two condemning his actions, the former letting him know about a party that evening. In his subconscious, Robbe supposed he was glad that he was still being involved despite blowing up yesterday. But while a party often helped the poor state of his mind, a party wasn’t what he needed this time. So when Noor texted as he flipped his packed backpack ontop his shoulder to leave school, he felt as though he could almost cry with joy.

**_Noor:_ ** _ Same time, same place. _

**_Robbe:_ ** _ 👍 _

He’d arrived 5 minutes early in a hope that she wouldn’t hate him more than he hated himself if he was early.

A minute before the hour, familiar footsteps came up towards him. Her bag fell between the two and they sat on the same bench from last time in silence. The chill of the wind and heat of the sun clashed into the centre of the bandstand, allowing passersby to revel in the contradictory phenomenon. Three groups of people passed them before Noor breathed in to speak.

‘Okay, I’m going to start off by saying I’m sorry Britt called you out. I told her to stay out of it but…’ She shrugged in response. 

Robbe nodded, unsure of what else to say.

‘I didn’t tell her, by the way,’

The corners of her lips lifted upwards, and that eased his heart.

‘Thank you,’ he whispered. She took the cue to carry on.

‘Robbe, you have to know that what you did was shitty. Like really shitty. Right?’

Boy did he know.

‘Using me as a beard. That’s really not cool and I don’t appreciate it.’

He nodded, agreeing with her point.

‘But… I get that it’s not always the easiest thing to come to terms with. One of the guys in my theatre class said I should try look at the fact that you felt the need to use me. And I think I can forgive you a little in that sense,’ she explained. ‘Have you told anyone else?’

‘Just Milan,’

‘Your roommate?’

‘Mm.’

The two fell into a surprisingly comfortable silence.

Darkness was beginning to settle and lamplights had been long burning away.

‘Can you tell me? When you realised?’ she asked.

'That I'm gay? Or us?'

'The first one,'

‘I don’t know. When Jens began talking about hot girls in our class, I think he thought I was still in my “ew girls” phase…’

‘Not just a phase then?’

He smiled genuinely for the first time in the past two days at the joke. So he carried on.

‘I mean, I thought I was too until I realised that I was 14 and the “ew girls” phase was still there when every other guy around me had grown completely out of it. Jens and Britt started dating and I think that was when I considered the other possibilities.’

The small smile on Noor’s lips remained as he spoke. She quietly gasped.

‘Wait, did you ever have a crush on…?’

Robbe screwed his lips to one side, debating whether to admit his shameful crush. Not a single soul knew about that and he wanted to keep it that way. But to his disappointment, his silence answered his question.

‘Oh my god,’ she exclaimed. It was clear that she’d figured it out but Robbe threw her a cold look anyway.

‘Do you still?’ she asked, ignoring the look. He shook his head adamantly.

‘No. I fucked shit up and I think I’m over it now,’ he admitted, not wanting to go further into that topic.

‘Man, I’ve been there. Crushing on your straight best friend.’

He furrowed his eyebrows. Wait. Did that mean that she-?

‘No I’m not straight,’ she replied as if she could read his mind. ‘Or not 100% at least.’

‘Who was she?’ he asked quietly.

‘We were best friends throughout primary and I realised I had a crush on her when I was 13,’

‘What happened?’

‘Nothing. I moved to Belgium before I could do anything about it,’ she shrugged, reminding Robbe that his ex was from the Netherlands. 

He simply nodded, still trying to process. Perhaps more people around him were LGBT+ than he realised. For so long, he’d felt alone in the struggle. Obviously he knew gay people existed, predominantly in the form of rainbow branding in every other shop window every June, and Elite. But something about hearing people closer to home being part of the community, something about Noor being part of the community, comforted him a little. Perhaps that was why she was being so chill about getting dumped. And perhaps that was why she’d been able to sense his feelings.

‘Robbe, you’re not alone at being a boy into boys,’ she began, snapping him out of his thoughts. ‘I mean you’ve got Milan, obviously. I’m sure there’s a handful at KAB… You’ve not met him but Sander, Britt’s ex, he’s pan. Point is, there’s a lot more of us out there than you’d think,’ she explained. He smiled weakly in gratitude.

‘You think you’re going to tell the boys?’ she asked. He shrugged.

‘I have to don’t I?’

She smiled, raising her eyebrows a little.

‘I’m glad I don’t have to tell you to get out of the closet,’

‘Thanks. Thank you for being so cool with this. I’m really sorry. For what I did,’

‘It’s not okay. But it’s okay,’ she said. He smirked at the cryptic comment, but nodded, understanding what she meant. 

‘Besides, I see you have a type hmm?’

‘What?’

‘Dark hair, piercings…’

He rolled his eyes, shoving her lightly in retaliation. 

‘Hey!’

‘You really have a thing for the skater, biker street image don’t you?’

Robbe figured they weren’t quite at a point where he could say much in return so he just sat and took it instead.

‘Ooh wait, if you’re into the street-style, bad boy thing, you might like Sander.’ A smirk was glued to her face as she pulled out her phone, going straight to her camera roll.

‘The guy who broke up with Britt?’ Robbe asked, baffled by the concept of Noor, a girl he’d dumped 48 hours prior, wanting his opinion on her best friend’s ex.

‘Hey, I’m just showing you a picture. You’re not allowed to date again for 6 months mister!’ she said, still scrolling but at the same time, waggling her finger at him.

‘6 months what?’ he began but was cut off when she found the picture.

‘Here! The guy with the white hair.’

Her phone was shoved in his face and on the screen, he saw 3 people standing in front of what looked like a mini, white Arc de Triomphe. To the left was Noor, to the right was Britt, and the person in between he assumed to be Sander.

To say Sander was hot would be an understatement. He had bleached white hair, golden clear skin and even in the picture, Robbe could see the piercing green eyes. He wore a black leather jacket over a black t-shirt with what looked like Arabic writing, paired with navy, cuffed jeans and black Doc Martens. He stood about half a head taller than the girls, and fashioned a silly grin.

Noor was right. Robbe really did have a type, and that type looked like a modern, street-wise angel.

‘That was his first day at the Academy back in September,’ Noor explained, bringing Robbe back to reality. He hummed to acknowledge her comment, still staring at the image of this new boy and couldn’t help but let out a little whine when she took her phone back.

‘Nope! No dating for 6 months!’

Robbe pouted.

‘What? Who came up with that rule!?’

‘I did when you dumped me,’

He nodded, taking the fair punishment.

‘Besides, he also just dumped my best friend. Admittedly I don’t think she was great for him either. He may be hot beyond belief, but he still has flaws like the rest of us,’ she joked.

‘Are you still friends with him? Despite…’

‘Despite the fact he dumped Britt? Like I said, they weren’t a good match,’ she shrugged. ‘He’s also a good spray painter,’ she added on.

‘There it is!’ He chuckled and they fell back into another silence. But this time, he felt so much lighter than he had done the last time he was sitting on that bench with Noor. And he loved this feeling. So he made a decision.

‘I think I’m going to tell Jens tomorrow,’ he announced. Noor nudged him playfully.

‘Good. I’m happy for you.’

Robbe recalled his thoughts when coming out to Milan not 4 days prior, and remembered feeling like this was the beginning of a new chapter. Sitting next to Noor, no longer hiding his true self, no longer using her… It felt fucking great. So if he was really going to move on, he needed to make amends with all the mistakes he’d made.

‘Noor, I’m truly, honestly sorry for what I did. I know that what I did and my reasoning was shitty-,’ he began but to his surprise, was cut off.

‘Robbe, you act as if I fell madly head over heels in love with you. I’m 16 - I don’t plan on falling madly in love with anyone at least until I graduate. It was shitty, but it’s happened and I plan to move on from it. And you should too,’ she said.

‘Thank you,’

‘Besides, as the most awesome person you know, I ought to live up to that title,’ she said with a smile. Noor then re-hooked her bag onto her shoulder and stood up.

‘There are shittier ways you could’ve dealt with it all.’

He smirked and nodded. The options he’d initially thought of on Sunday evening were all a lot worse than this.

‘I’m going to go now,’ she said as she began stepping away from the bench. ‘But I meant what I said last week, despite everything. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.’

Farewells were exchanged and the dark haired girl left, leaving the boy in the light brown coat to sit on the park bench. He felt new and fresh, and energised to tell his best friend. So, not wanting to waste the high, he opened his messages and began to type.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ I can’t do tonight. But can we get lunch tomorrow? _

07/11/19 Donderdag 12:17

The nerves Robbe felt this time were different to when he came out to Milan and Noor. He had a more solid understanding of what he was feeling and who he was. Obviously the heart palpitations and clammy hands were there - what would Robbe coming out to someone be without that? But he wasn’t as disgusted with himself anymore.

His last lesson, history, ran over almost 10 minutes so when the bell rang, he sneakily texted Jens to meet him at the cafe, knowing he’d be able to cycle over in about 5 minutes. And when the teacher finally stopped talking, Robbe didn’t even stop at his locker, sped to his bike.

Barely 5 minutes later and panting, he considered himself lucky to find a free bike stand outside Caffenation. He made his way inside and found Jens waving him over to a small table.

‘Did Mr Gaens go on again?’ Jens asked his friend as he took his jacket off and sat down. Robbe crooked his head and shrugged.

‘Kind of.’

He set his hands on the table in front of him, prepping himself for what he’d practised the night before. His best friend seemed to recognise something was up and let the two sit in noise of the crowd for a moment or so. The confidence from the night before was fading fast. Every second that past, Robbe could feel himself desperately wanting to crawl back into his closet.

‘So Noor, huh?’ Jens interrupted. Right. That was probably a good start point.

‘Yeah. Noor…’ he repeated.

‘What happened dude? You were all over each other last week!’

Robbe nodded.

‘I know…’

‘But?’

‘It wasn’t working,’

‘No?’

‘No. And it never did,’

Jens looked understandably confused.

Deep breath. Come on.

‘Okay, um so I think… I think I’ve known this for a while but I also didn’t know… But I didn’t know how to say it in my head so I couldn’t say it out loud and…’ He was very aware of how little sense that had made and his friend picked that up.

‘Er translation please?’

Robbe recalled how he felt after telling Milan, how he felt after telling Noor and sitting with her on the park bench, and he tried to manifest that feeling once more.

‘I like boys the way I’m meant to like girls.’

If Jens had to take a second to process this new information about his best friend, he didn’t show it.

‘Ah. Well I suppose that makes sense then to break it off,’ he shrugged and picked up a menu.

Robbe was confused. Was that it? Was it that easy?

‘You don’t think it’s weird or…?’ The darker haired boy shook his head. From then, the only struggle that lunch hour was attempting to suppress the massive grin his mouth wanted to form. 

Jens had gotten up to order for the two and Robbe took that time to allow the smile to form for a moment, before texting Noor.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Just thought I’d tell you that I told Jens. _

She too must’ve been on a lunch break as her reply was instant.

**_Noor:_ ** _ And? _

**_Robbe:_ ** _ He just said it made sense me breaking up with you and went to get food. _

**_Noor: 🙄_ **

**_Noor:_ ** _ I’m proud of you! _

**_Robbe: 😃_ **

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Thank you again for being so chill. I’m sorry. _

**_Noor:_ ** _ Chill out - you act as if I can’t get anyone else. I’m hot shit. _

He couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the last message. Jens returned to his seat, raising an eyebrow.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ That you are - objectively.  _

**_Noor:_ ** _ 💃 _

**_Noor:_ ** _ I’ve gotta go now. Don’t be a stranger! _

**_Robbe: 👍_ **

‘Who you texting?’ Jens asked as Robbe put his phone away.

‘Noor,’

‘Noor!?’ His friend was clearly baffled at the exes talking. ‘Was she cool with it then?’

Robbe nodded.

‘Yeah I told her on Monday and we met up yesterday to talk some more.’

‘Damn. I wish Britt could’ve been like that,’

‘Well you did cheat on her,’

‘Eh, I suppose…’

The topic of his sexuality had now been brushed aside as the two friends launched into a conversation about their last session playing Fortnite. In fact, the topic didn’t come back until the two began walking back to the school.

‘Are you going to tell the others?

‘Hmm?’

‘That you’re…?’

Robbe shrugged.

‘They’ll find out eventually won’t they. Probably better if I tell them,’ he said in a casual tone. Whilst knowing that he had successfully come out to 3 people, he felt slightly more at ease at the prospect of the others, specifically Moyo finding out, but the gordian knot in his stomach was still as strong as ever.

‘True that,’ Jens replied, totally unaware of any thoughts going on in Robbe’s head. 

‘I’m sure they’ll be fine with it,’

This turned Robbe’s attention as he raised a dubious eyebrow. 

‘Eventually,’ Jens quickly added. ‘Dude, I know Moyo’s said some off stuff but I’m sure he’ll get over it. I mean we’re the Broerrrs. You know?’

It was the first time Jens in their year and a bit of friendship with Moyo, that he’d acknowledged his problematic behaviour. And for Robbe, knowing that Jens understood why he was anxious, eased his mind a lot more than he ever thought it would.

The two returned to the school and the rest of the day was so much easier. Perhaps it was the work being set, perhaps it was the extra studying he’d been doing the past few days to avoid seeing people, or perhaps it was the reconnection to the world that Robbe felt, whilst knowing that whatever happens with Moyo and Aaron, whatever happens with his parents, he has at least 3 people behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Twitter for updates!
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	6. Part Of The Plan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you he was on his way! Enjoy! :)

20/12/19 Vrijdag 21:14

Christmas melodies and pop beats entangled their way through a surprisingly large amount of people than one would expect to fit into the flatshare. Secret Santa gifts got exchanged, mulled wine was drunk, and extra friends were invited. Robbe found himself dancing merrily with the crowd, singing along to some chart song. It could’ve been Ed Sheeran, it could’ve been Arianna Grande, he wasn’t too fussed so long as he was having a good time. The only song he knew it couldn’t be was Dance Monkey, as when inviting Noor, she’d demanded to ban the song from the party. Working in retail, she’d subject to the piano-led song far too many times during the holiday season. 

He looked around the room. Aaron and Amber were practically glued at the hip, having gotten together no more than 45 minutes ago. Moyo was dancing with Noor, who seemed to be enjoying it although Robbe was fairly certain that the extra beer she drank earlier might have something to do with her not pushing him away. Jens was bopping around next to him, eyes fixed on the long haired brunette across the room.

Once the song ended, Robbe excused himself to the kitchen to get a glass of water to sober up a little as he didn’t want to help his mum move back home the following day with a hangover. As he walked down the corridor, he noticed a wisp of white hair disappear into his destination. Assuming it was Zoe, he thought nothing until 7 steps later he found himself at the entrance of the kitchen opposite none other than the modern, street-wise angel Noor had introduced him to 6 weeks ago. Sander.

The boy whipped his head around and it was then that Robbe realised he’d said his name out loud.He was about to mentally shut down from sheer embarrassment. But what he didn’t expect was Sander to do the same thing.

‘Robbe.’

It took him a few seconds to be able to piece together a sentence.

‘Wait, you know me?’

‘You know me?’

‘Yeah, um, Noor told me about you,’ he quickly scrambled. ‘You er dated Britt right?’

He nodded with a smirk.

‘I think our friend’s been trying to hook us up,’ Sander said, with a clear jokey tone. Robbe raised an eyebrow.

‘I mean if she was then she wouldn’t have banned me from dating for 6 months,’ 

_ And bring you here _ , he thought but bit his tongue. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t from time to time dreamt about this angel and attempted to find his instagram to no avail, just out of curiosity of course. But this boy,  _ Sander _ , looked better in real life than the picture Robbe could remember.

‘6 months!? Wait, is that because you dumped her? That was you, right?’

Robbe nodded shyly, still feeling awful about his actions. 

The exes had stayed in touch and became good friends after the break up, which certainly helped after Moyo and Aaron’s initial reaction to his coming out, but she’d occasionally bring it up to guilt trip him into paying for both their waffles, or meeting at her school instead of his. Robbe certainly wondered how long he’d give into that excuse.

‘She’s an interesting person to say the least…’ Sander trailed off.

‘Hmm?’

‘You know, staying friends with someone who dumped her best friend, and someone who used her as a beard,’ he joked.

Robbe must’ve had a bit of a rabbit-in-the-headlights look about him because Sander quickly apologised.

‘Ah fuck, sorry. She told me. Are you not out?’

Robbe smiled.

‘No no it’s okay, everyone knows. It’s just she’s the only one that put it that bluntly,’ he hurried to clarify.

‘Ah, okay.’

The two stood opposite each other and got closer and closer as the short conversation went on. They were now barely a metre apart and Robbe couldn’t help but stare at the enticing green eyes and his truly golden skin that, paired with the white hair, and black and white clothing, looked so good on him. 

‘Um, am I in the way?’ Sander suddenly cut into his thoughts and Robbe realised what he’d come to the kitchen for.

‘Oh um sorry, yeah, I er just wanted to get some water,’ he said, ducking his blushing face down and walking around him towards the sink, picking up a clean cup on the way. His brain scolded his heart for taking the lead. A month of being out and that being the first time he got a little too mesmerised by a hot guy wasn’t too bad, he figured. But he certainly hoped that his brain wouldn’t short circuit every single time.

Robbe then realised that perhaps Sander was there for a reason too.

‘Did you need something?’

‘Hmm? Oh, no, just wanted to step out of the crowd for a bit.’

Robbe nodded, understanding the feeling.

He was about to boldly suggest going outside for a bit, just to get to know him better, make a new friend, when Noor, of all people, entered stage right.

‘Speak of the devil,’ Sander said. It was her turn to adorn the rabbit-in-the-headlights look. Which didn’t last long and was quickly replaced with a shrug.

‘So you found each other then?’ she said casually, clearly hiding a smirk.

‘Mm. Here’s me thinking you were trying to hook us up when you’ve given him a 6 month ban on dating,’ Sander chuckled. She shrugged again.

‘First of all, didn’t you swear off of relationships? Secondly, I don’t have a say in what happens after the 6 months.’

Before either one of the boys could react, two loud message notifications announced their presence.

‘You got it too?’ Sander asked Noor, looking up from his phone. She nodded. At this point Robbe felt very much like an outsider and began planning an excuse to go back to the party.

‘You going?’

‘Yeah probably. You? You both did a pretty good job last time,’

The word both got Robbe to snap his attention back to the two.

‘Hmm?’

‘This is when you tell me if you’re actually interested in spraying or it was part of your  _ plan _ ,’

The two stared at him.

‘I um yeah sure, I guess. I mean, I’m always skating by those kinds of things so it’d be nice to know a bit more about them,’ he replied, still not fully understanding what the messages had been about, but desperate to not let the mysterious Sander leave without talking some more.

‘Shall we go then?’

21:27

It was certainly a risk, going off into the night with an ex and a stranger. It wasn’t until they actually reached the destination that Robbe even realised what they planned on doing. He’d ridden on the back of Noor’s scooter and they met Sander, who’d cycled, on a street corner. Further down the street, he could see groups of people with lights that made it look like a forensic scene.

‘Look familiar?’ Sander asked him as Noor went and parked her scooter. Robbe nodded.

‘Yeah, Noor took me to one of these when we met,’ he explained. Sander smirked.

‘I know,’

‘What?’

‘I saw you,’ he said, taking out his phone and began scrolling for an image. Not 10 seconds later, Robbe was presented with a picture of himself facing the truck taken from behind.

‘Wow,’ he breathed. A beat passed before Sander spoke again.

‘That’s creepy isn’t it. Fuck, I’m sorry-,’

‘No, it’s okay-,’

‘No that’s creepy. Forget I said anything,’ Sander quickly dismissed it and put his phone back in his pocket just in time for Noor to return. She threw her arms around both boys and began pulling them down the street.

‘Let’s go!’

23:34

‘I should head back,’ Robbe said, checking the time on his phone when Noor and Sander returned to his viewing spot. He had joined in a little initially but found it far more fascinating to just watch everyone at work and sometimes listen to their stories.

‘Awh no, stay!’ Noor whined but Robbe shook his head.

‘No, I have to pick my mama up pretty early tomorrow morning and help her move back so I don’t want to be too tired,’ he explained.

‘Reminds me!’ Sander suddenly jumped in, pulling out his phone to check a text. Seconds later he looked back up nodding. ‘Yeah, my mum wants me back before midnight.’

Noor pulled an annoyed face.

‘I know, I know, I hate it. But she wants to make sure I’m not wallowing my “post-break-up sorrows” in a bar,’

‘What?’ Noor was truly baffled.

‘Yeah I know. She doesn’t get that we’d been forcing it for like 5 of the 6 months we were together,’ he said, rolling his eyes. Noor mirrored the action and Robbe just stood a little awkwardly between them. He presumed they were referring to Britt, and considering he and Britt hadn’t really been friends for 2 years, and he’d only just met Sander, he figured that it wasn’t his place to comment.

‘You can stay if you want. In fact-,’ Sander turned around, as if he was searching the crowd for someone. ‘Vasil!’ he yelled. One guy in a shiny hood with dark skin turned around and began walking over. The closer he got, Robbe realised he didn’t look happy.

‘Dude!’ Vasil stage-whispered to Sander once he was in hearing distance. ‘Tag names only. Remember?!’

‘Sorry  _ One _ ,’

‘It’s  _ The _ One thank you very much. What do you want?’

Sander rolled his eyes.

‘We have to go now,’ he started, pointing to himself and Robbe, ‘but can you make sure Noor gets back safely?’

Vasil, or The One as he preferred to be called in this situation, huffed but nodded.

‘Fine,’ he agreed with not much argument. ‘Let me know when you’re heading off,’ he said to Noor. She nodded and thanked him before he went back to the wall.

‘I can get myself back Sander,’ she complained once Vasil was out of hearing. Sander shrugged.

‘Just want to make sure you’re safe and I’m not leaving you alone. Vas’s a good guy,’ he explained, then turned to Robbe.

‘Shall we?’

The two walked back up the street and turned the corner.

‘You have fun?’ Sander asked. 

‘Yeah, it was good. It’s nice to see these things come together,’

‘It is pretty cool to see it go from that to a massive piece of art,’ Sander agreed.

‘Have you and Noor been doing that long then? Or…?’

‘I don’t know about Noor but I began attending them when I was 16,’ he explained and wiggled his eyebrows. ‘Alternative to doing it illegally.’

They then arrived at Sander’s bike and he mounted it. Once he was on, he beckoned Robbe to also get on.

‘Come on! I’ll give you a ride back!’

Robbe raised an eyebrow dubiously, unsure of the safety of what the white haired angel was suggesting, but he didn’t want to refuse. So he carefully swung a leg over the back wheel of the bike and sat closer to the boy.

‘Hold on!’

And they were off. 

For about the length of one street until they fell off, giggling. Robbe didn’t even have time to register the fact that he had been so close to Sander. Deciding that they were better off on foot, the cyclist opted to push the bike.

‘So how come you’re at the flat?’ he asked in an attempt to make conversation.

‘My mama had to go to hospital for a bit,’

‘And your dad?’

‘I’d rather not spend 5 minutes with that man,’ Robbe explained. Sensing that it might be a sensitive topic, Sander steered the conversation away from that.

‘Alright. Noor said you’re 5th year at KAB?’

Robbe nodded.

‘Any idea about afterwards?’

He shrugged.

‘Wow, it is really hard to have a conversation with you, huh?’ Sander complained. He had a playful tone so it was clear he had no malintention, but it made Robbe remember the reason why he agreed to come was to get to know the handsome stranger some more.

‘Sorry, I’m not great talking about myself,’ he admitted, fully expecting some sort of mocking or joking response. Sander’s a boy, why would he not react in that way?

‘No it’s okay, I get it. Britt would always keep trying to get me to talk to her and tell her every little thing in my life. Like she treated me like a fucking baby,’

A rant wasn’t what Robbe expected but he hummed at him to carry on.

‘It’s like… I… You know.... People have bad days, right? But we don’t have to always talk about them!’

There was a short silence in which Robbe took his cue to speak.

‘I mean, sometimes it’s good to talk. Like before coming out, I guess I kinda bottled things up a lot. But then talking with a few people, like Noor and Milan, began to help,’ Robbe said, in an attempt to bring a different view point.

‘Sure, sometimes. But not every fucking day. I already have a therapist and my parents. I don’t need a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever texting me everyday to see if I’ve taken my pills! I swear to god I’m done with relationships if that’s what they’re like.’

The mention of therapists and pills helped Robbe recall Noor saying that Sander had “some shit in his life”. He was certainly curious but knew full well that it wasn’t his place to ask.

‘Yeah, I suppose. I suppose it depends on the person and when they talk. Like my mama’s therapist keeps offering me referrals, but she didn’t start doing it until after when I locked myself in my room one weekend trying to figure out how to break up with Noor,’ he explained, barely missing a beat after Sander’s complaint. ‘I suppose there’s a right time and a wrong time.’

It was the right thing to say. A soft smile thanked him as he turned his head to his companion.

‘Your mama has a therapist? Is that why she’s in the hospital?’ Sander asked, but suddenly rushed to add on, ‘Wait, you don’t have to answer that, if you don’t want to. Sorry,’

‘No it’s okay. Um… She was diagnosed with schizophrenia 8 years ago and it was just getting worse after my dad moved out,’ he put briefly.

‘Wow,’ Sander breathed.

‘Mm,’

The two carried on walking and crossed an empty road.

‘Does it help?’

‘Hm?’

‘The hospital. Does it help her?’ Sander asked. Something about the way he asked told Robbe that perhaps he wasn’t just asking out of curiosity. 

‘I think they were able to do a lot more than I could,’ he simply said. ‘And she’s being discharged tomorrow so I hope so.’

Another silence settled for a good few minutes, and it wasn’t uncomfortable. Robbe had surprised himself at how much he told Sander within 3 hours of meeting him. Moyo and Aaron still don’t know exactly what’s up with his mum. He didn’t have any intention of telling them, nor did he feel forced to tell Sander, and that was what confused him.

‘Okay, a more cheery topic,’ Sander was the one to break the silence. ‘Favourite music?’

23:55

Robbe and Sander spent the rest of the journey home finding out smaller things about each other. Robbe learned that Sander had a small obsession with David Bowie, a singer he knew very little about, was terrible at video games, believed that mint choc chip was the superior ice cream flavour, and that he liked to sleep with his window open at night. Robbe in turn shared his love of skating, Stormzy, and surfing, and his hatred of the concept of FreeFest at his school, a thing he quoted to be “the wannabe Tomorrowland”. This led them into music festivals, bonding over their mutual wish to go to Glastonbury in England.

‘Bowie’s headlined twice! In 1971, and 2000!’

‘Stormzy headlined this year,’

‘Imagine if they’d done it the same year. Heaven!’

Robbe wasn’t entirely sure who that would be heaven for but he let Sander carry on rambling.

They eventually and begrudgingly arrived at the entrance to the flatshare.

‘You didn’t leave anything inside did you?’ Robbe asked, half hoping he had. But Sander shook his head, much to his dismay.

‘I only brought my phone.’

The two stood a little awkwardly, facing each other.

‘It was cool though. And thanks for listening to my rant,’

‘It’s okay,’ Robbe almost whispered back.

‘I don’t suppose you’d want to hang out again?’ Sander asked. Robbe grinned and nodded.

‘Whenever you want!’

Numbers and instagram handles were swapped and they finally parted ways, Sander realising he was late.

‘Sorry for keeping you,’ Robbe quietly apologies.

‘No it’s okay. I’ll just tell her I was being a gentleman to a dashing young boy!’ 

And with a wink and a farewell, he was gone. 

Robbe finally let himself feel and try and process everything that happened that evening. He met him. He  _ met Sander _ . Not only that, he briefly rode on a bike with the angel, and walked home with him. The more he thought about him, the more his heart beat and his head reeled. It wasn’t a crush though. Right? They’d only just met - that would be ridiculous. Besides, he’d sworn off relationships. So he was just a hot friend. And Robbe would have to live with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a twitter if you want to be friends there!
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	7. No Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me time wow. Also next chapter might be a while as I'm going back to work next week. I'll do my best to stick to weekly but we'll see! Also thank you for all the lovely comments and feedback so far - they truly make my day! :)  
> Enjoy!

11/03/20 Woensdag 14:46

‘Robbe, I know he’s your friend but I really don’t think it’s smart to be at his house right now!’

‘Mama, it’s fine. I’ve got the hand sanitiser, we washed our hands, he cleaned his room,’

‘Yes but I don’t feel comfortable. It’s a deadly disease,’

‘Mama, I’ll be fine. You can spray me with the disinfectant if you want when I come home. I’ll take a shower and put all my clothes in a separate wash bag if that makes you feel better?’

‘Alright, but we’re going to have to have a conversation about things from now on when you get back. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

And he hung up.

‘Is everything okay?’ Sander asked, sitting up. 

They had been lying on his bed, feigning doing homework but really just talking. It has become one of Robbe’s favourite things to do actually. Usually at Sander’s place, which was a lot bigger and nicer than his own (Robbe may have been a little awestruck when he first visited), but sometimes at his house, just lying on the bed, or watching Sander paint as he tried to study for biology, or listening to music, or watching a tv show. Whatever it was, he loved it. And that’s not to say he no longer enjoyed skating or doing dumb things with his Broerrrs, or spraying with Noor (or rather watching her spray), but something about the serenity and complete comfort of his surroundings made these afternoons with Sander, something different. It wasn’t a crush of course. It wasn’t. Sander had made it quite clear that Britt had scared him off of relationships. So obviously, it wasn’t a crush. But it was nice.

‘Yeah… I think my mama’s getting a bit worried about the whole virus thing,’ Robbe sighed. Sander wore a sympathetic smile.

‘I mean it _is_ a pretty big deal. Like the Academy’s closing tomorrow and my exhibition’s been cancelled,’

‘What?’

‘Yeah, we got an email about it today,’

‘Damn, that sucks. I think a few trips have been cancelled. And FreeFest probably,’

‘Mmm,’

‘Poor Amber…’

The two snickered, both being well aware about Amber’s fixation on FreeFest, and Robbe fell back onto the bed, revelling in the comfort of Sander’s duvet. Sander smiled at him and followed suit in a gentler fashion. They lay next to each other. 

‘There’s apparently rumours that they’re going to close schools and shops soon though…’ Sander said, a little more solemnly. Robbe turned on his side to face his friend, who’d let a wall down, showcasing how worried he genuinely was. It was moments like these, in which Robbe felt so privileged that out of all people, somehow in the few months they’d known each other, Sander felt comfortable letting everything go in front of him. Perhaps it was because of the way the younger had found out about his bipolar by barging into his room after a week of radio silence. Perhaps it was the way, according to Sander, Robbe would respond, how he seemed to say or do the right thing 9 times out of 10. Whichever it was Robbe was glad that he was able to do enough so that the boy would truly open up in front of him.

He reached out and traced a worry line on Sander’s forehead with his finger.

‘I’m sure it’ll be okay,’ he whispered softly, but Sander abruptly turned to face the ceiling.

‘I don’t think it will be though Robbe. It’s a really serious disease. Like there’s already been 10,000 people infected in Italy,’

Robbe shuffled closer and rested the arm he’d been lying on above the blonde’s head and began gently combing the hair. This’d been something the two discovered comforted the elder when he brain began to spiral. Or when his bipolar was winning. Or just when he’s had a bad day. Something neither could describe, but nevertheless they carried on. 

This time, while the action did slow his quickening heartbeat, the worry was much deeper.

‘I mean so far, there haven’t been too many people die of it yet right? And it’s generally old or ill people so we should be fine,’

It was meant to be a comforting thought, it really was. And deep down Sander knew that, but it just sent his brain into another spiral.

‘But what if we become ill? And what if we become one of the few people? And what about our grandparents? And one of my friends has Crohn’s, what about her? What if I go and help her and I catch it? Then I could spread it to you and your friends and your-,’

He was cut off when a palm contacted his forehead, bringing him back into reality.

‘Sander,’ Robbe spoke quietly. ‘Sometimes we just have to hope that we’ll be fine,’

Glazed eyes glanced over to the brown haired boy, before almost choking out his question.

‘How though?’

Robbe responded with a smile.

‘So long as we’re together, I’m sure we’ll be just fine.’

13/03/20 Vrijdag 07:36

‘Mama please!?’

They’d been arguing since Wednesday evening after he’d returned home. Mrs IJzermans wanted her son to quarantine, which he accepted. But what he didn’t expect was her to insist for him to come straight back home on his last day. The lockdown wouldn’t even be enforced until midnight and he was desperate to enjoy his last few hours with his friends.

‘Robbe, I am your mother and I need you to do this for your own safety. Otherwise I will come and pick you up from your school,’ she threatened. He gulped. Robbe was a good liar. He was great at making up excuses, trying to sneak in more time or more sweets or more beer. But if his mum were to pick him up from the school, not only would it be embarrassing as hell, but he wouldn’t be able to sneak an extra 5 minutes with the boys or with Sander. So he agreed. Begrudgingly so, but still he agreed. 

Once he returned to his room he sent Sander a text.

 **_Robbe:_ ** _When do you finish today?_

The response came as he left the house.

 **_Sander:_ ** _I just have a therapy session at 14:00. Why?_

 **_Robbe:_ ** _Can you meet me at school? My mama’s insisting I go come straight home afterwards and I want to say bye in person._

It was a sappy, corny excuse that he’d never admit to anyone else. But somehow, he felt comfortable saying these things with Sander.

 **_Sander:_ ** _Of course!_

16:05

Robbe shut his locker, being sure to shove everything into his bag, and began making his way out of the school. Emotions had naturally been awry amongst the 6th years, having had one day notice of their last day of school. The boys had laughed about it at lunch, but Robbe couldn’t help but feel a fraction of their sadness, knowing that from the moment he walked away from the school would be the last time seeing his friends for a long time.

As he walked out, Jens caught up with him.

‘So you really can’t hang out at all?’

He shook his head.

‘No, my mama’s pretty adamant I go straight home,’

‘Damn… That sucks… What about Sander?’

And just as his name was mentioned, the tanned boy came into view. Jens bore a knowing grin and raised his eyebrows, before greeting the honorary 5th Broerrr.

‘Hey dude!’

‘Hey!’

‘I know Robbe can’t make it but we’re going to the skate park if you wanted to join?’ Jens offered but Sander shook his head.

‘No, I need to go get some art supplies before the shops close so I can at least try to do some work over lockdown,’ Sander explained, shoving his hands in his jean pockets.

‘Alright then, well it was good seeing you. Don’t miss us too much!’ he said, then turned to lightly punch Robbe in the shoulder.

‘You too dude. We can use Zoom, is it? If you need a break,’

Robbe grinned and pushed him back.

‘Will do,’

Jens then spun around and bid the two a farewell before disappearing into the crowd.

By this point, the front of the school was a little emptier. People were still around, friends saying goodbye to each other, but not as crowded as when they’d initially come out.

‘So-,’ Sander began but Robbe couldn’t hold back and launched himself at him. Arms completed circles around the two bodies as they took deep comfort from each other’s presence.

‘I’m going to miss you,’ Robbe whispered, he could feel tears hitting the backs of his eyes. Not threatening to spill, but just there.

‘Me too,’

Neither of them cared that they hadn’t sanitised properly or that they probably shouldn’t have been hugging with social distancing being encouraged, but they didn’t care.

After about 5 minutes, they were able to separate.

‘I’m sorry I can’t spend more time with you today,’ Robbe apologised.

‘What? No no, don’t apologise! Your mama’s being smart, keeping you safe like that,’ Sander quickly interjected.

‘I know, but I wanted to have just one last time together before,’

The blond smiled.

‘Alright, and what would we have done?’ he asked as the two began to walk away from the school. It’d almost been telepathically communicated that they were heading back to Robbe’s place.

‘Mmm... I would’ve probably skated with the boys for a bit, maybe play some football…’ he trailed off, teasing his friend with putting off his plans.

‘And then…? With me, Robbe, what would we, just the two of us, have done?’

‘Whatever you wanted,’

‘So you’d come with me to the art gallery,’

Robbe screwed his lips to one side as Sander smirked. He loved his best friend, he really did, but he had yet to attend a not-boring art gallery.

'I mean…' he trailed off and Sander laughed, shoving him gently.

'So that's a no then,' he teased.

'What, no! It's a maybe,'

'Sure it is.'

The conversation carried on, both being sure to steer clear of the obvious conversation topic of lockdown. Sander told him about a milkshake business his friends from the older years of the academy were planning, and that they’d asked him to help with a rainbow themed menu and logo design. Robbe recalled one time when he, Jens, Jana and Britt, although he was tentative mentioning the last name, went to a local ice cream and milkshake bar and the boys went home covered in the sweet, sticky desserts that’d been the result of a food fight. Sander in turned shared a picture of their mutual friend’s former best friend/crush after jokingly exclaiming,

‘What is it with gay people and milkshakes!?’

‘Well I mean Jens, Jana, and Britt were there too!’ Robbe retaliated.

‘And which of you had milkshakes?’

An embarrassed blush formed on his cheeks.

‘Me and Jens…’

Sander nudged him.

‘Maybe your best friend isn’t telling you something,’

The two burst out laughing.

‘But wait, Noor said her friend was straight, so how does that work?’

Sander shrugged.

‘Who says?’

Robbe rolled his eyes and shoved him accidentally off the pavement.

‘Not everyone who drinks milkshakes is gay!’

‘But they _could_ be! Who are you to assume?’

And half an hour later, they were on Robbe’s street corner.

'You should probably go now. I think my mama wouldn't approve of us walking home together,’

‘Is she getting that strict?’

Robbe simply nodded.

‘Okay, well I guess we say goodbye now?’

And without any further words, they both reached out for a final embrace before parting. There weren’t any other words. They didn’t need them. Everything that needed to be said was already apparent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on twitter!
> 
> [@spacepanda1011](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	8. It's Not A Crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so long to write wow but we're here with 3k+ words! Again I'm back at work so parts will take a bit longer to write but I will try to stick to weekly - it might go over sometimes!  
> Also I experimented with a Sander POV.  
> Enjoy!

20/03/20 Vrijdag 21:45

Robbe had escaped into this room finally after having been trapped into an hour long lecture after dinner about the virus and hygiene with his mum, and had been just lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling for 15 minutes. He loved his mum, he really did, but she could sometimes just talk and talk and not recognise that her company didn’t really want to talk. Thankfully, it wasn’t a frequent occurrence.

After about 15 minutes of letting his brain rest, a ringing came from his laptop. He flipped onto his stomach and recognised the small black and white profile picture lighting up the screen from his bed. Grinning, he scrambled from the mattress to his desk and flopped into the chair, whilst simultaneously hitting accept.

‘Hey!’

The grin was here to stay.

‘Hey! What’s up?’ he asked the blonde on the screen, who was mirroring the grin.

‘Hey, not much, just got away from my sisters arguing,’ he admitted. Robbe visibly winced. The Driesen girls were usually amicable but when they fought, _they fought_.

‘What about?’

‘Ugh, Laura wants to meet up with her boyfriend in the park and Cecelia’s yelling at her saying it’s dangerous,’

‘Well it kinda is though, isn’t it?’

‘Mm, I suppose but they turned it into another thing that I’m not really bothered about so I escaped,’

‘So Laura’s back then?’

‘Yeah her university were really proactive about it and went online like 3 weeks ago, so she could come back before we locked down,’

‘Right into the heart of it all,’

Shy matching smiles were adorned.

‘Mama’s just been giving me a lecture about it all, and how all the masks and hand sanitisers work. And how the government are handling it,’

‘Fascinating huh?’

Robbe giggled.

‘Yeah, it’s also all the rules they’re giving out as well. Like you can go outside for a walk but only around your block and things like that. It’s so specific,’

‘I suppose they have to be though,’

‘Mm.’

There was nothing left to say regarding that so they then just sat, simply enjoying the other’s presence for a few minutes. 

This wasn’t a rare occurrence. Even within the first week of lockdown, the two had called most days, even just for company when completing school work, which Robbe was reluctant to do until Sander suggested this. Just something about knowing that Sander was at the other end of the line, working with him, to be able to hear his breath, was something that comforted Robbe to a point when it’d almost feel like it was normal again. There had been numerous occasions when coming out of a working mindset, he’d often forget that his friend wasn’t physically in the same room with him. Every single time he would look up with an expectant smile, only to be let down. Obviously, he kept this to himself and just prayed that Sander hadn’t noticed. One could argue that his dependence on the bleach-haired boy was a little unhealthy and even the boys had mentioned his very obvious mood change when he was around and would often tease him with having a crush. But it wasn’t a crush. It couldn’t be a crush.

‘Let’s change the subject! I hear too much about the virus from my Mama!’ Robbe decided, breaking the silence.

‘Alright then… Have you finally watched Ragnarok yet?’

01/04/20 Woensdag 20:00

Lockdown had been in place for 2 and a half weeks, and Robbe couldn’t believe that he was even beginning to miss parties and getting drunk and high with his Broerrrs. So that’s exactly what they arranged, minus the getting high bit of course. On his laptop screen was initially just Jens, but as soon as he’d joined, he noticed the image of Moyo joining appear.

‘What’s up boys!?’ Jens called into the screen.

‘Hey hey hey!’ Moyo’s voice emanated into Robbe’s headphones.

‘Good, good. How are you all doing?’ Robbe responded to Jens’ comment but was cut off by Moyo.

‘Hey where the fuck is Aaron? We told him 8 right?’

The other two agreed.

‘Probably calling Amber. I hear they’ve been calling every day,’ Jens informed the boys. The two burst into laughter.

‘Wow,’

‘Is it him or her?’

‘Both?’

Robbe figured he must’ve been laughing a little too loud as not soon after, he heard a gentle knock on his door.

‘Yeah?’ he replied, taking off the headphones to hear properly whilst calming down.

‘Robbe?’ his mum peaked her head around the door. ‘I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be having a shower now and going straight to bed. So don’t stay up too late!’

He gave her a gentle smile.

‘Okay,’

‘And say hi to Jens for me!’ she added before closing the door again. He put his headphones on again.

‘Everything good?’ Moyo asked. He nodded.

‘Yeah. Jens, my mama says hi,’ he grinned.

‘Hey, what about me!?’ Moyo complained.

‘I guess Mama IJzermans has favourites,’ Jens joked, tossing back imaginary hair.

‘To be fair, you’ve only met like once so…’ Robbe rationalised.

‘And how’s Sander?’ Jens asked. Robbe furrowed his eyebrows, a little suspicious as to why his friend might be enquiring about Sander. Especially considering they were all connected with him on social media.

‘Er fine?’

‘So nothing yet?’ he asked, vaguely attempting to refer to something.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Dude, it’s so obvious you like each other!’ Moyo exclaimed bluntly. Robbe rolled his eyes. It was something the boys occasionally teased him over - he had no idea why, they were just friends. So he explained.

‘As friends, sure!’

‘Robbe,’ Jens sighed, narrowing his gaze, at what Robbe assumed to be, his square on the screen.

‘What?’

‘I’ve known you since we were what… 5? Even Moyo sees it!' 

Robbe bit back a comment on if they claimed to know him so well, why did he carry on talking about girls, or use homophobic slurs when Robbe was so obviously struggling.

He tried to retaliate but no words came.

‘I don’t blame you - he’s hot. But-,’ Jens tried to carry on but was cut off.

‘Wow, is there something you’d like to tell us Jens?’ Moyo joked. Jens rolled his eyes.

‘Dude, you can find people attractive without being attracted to them,’

‘Sure,’ Moyo elongated the vowels, clearly not convinced.

‘Besides, no one’s 100% straight or gay,’

‘Are you sure you don’t want to tell us anything?’ Robbe repeated Moyo’s joke, with a little less of a mocking tone.

‘It’s cool, by the way,’ Moyo quickly added. Robbe presumed he remembered how he’d initially reacted when Robbe came out and wanted to make his changed mind clear. ‘If you are… You know?’

‘A bit gay?’ Robbe attempted to finish the question. Moyo nodded. Robbe fully expected his old friend to completely reject the thought, but the way his lips screwed to one side, the thoughtful look, reminded him of when he was deciding whether to confess to Noor his shameful past crush on his best friend.

But before anything else could be said, the 4th Broerrr’s square cropped up.

‘Finally!’ Moyo cried, shifting the air. It was clear that they were moving on from this topic, but the way it took Jens a few moments to follow, Robbe made a mental note to message Jens later about the topic, and to make sure to look out for his friend even more.

‘What time do you call this!?’

27/04/20 Maandag 19:57

It’d been a fun day. Sander allowed himself to sleep in a little longer, and considering he was fairly on top of his practical projects, he figured he didn’t _have_ to virtually attend every single lecture. After breakfast, he received presents from his family, which consisted of a pack of paint from a fancy brand in Paris from Laura, some David Bowie artwork from Cecelia, and a desk easel and a new duffel bag from his parents. They ordered takeout from his favourite sandwich shop for lunch and he spent the day doing a bit of university work, but mainly watching films and experimenting with his new paint. It wasn’t until about 5pm that he received a text from Robbe, aside from the obligatory Happy Birthday text at midnight, which was unusual for him. He had been wondering why the two weren’t talking as much that day but he had assumed that perhaps the boy had work, or was helping his mum. Not that he was preparing something special. So when he received the text, a zoom link along with the message; _Don’t join until 19:30!_ , he smiled. Well it was Robbe, of course it made him smile. That boy had a way of dealing with life, of dealing with _him_ , that Sander almost envied.

So as instructed, at 19:30, he locked himself into his room, with a short explanation to his family, who seemed to be aware of whatever his friend was planning, and opened his laptop to join. And once he clicked to enable his audio, he was finally greeted with Robbe, the Broerrrs, and Milan, taking their tops off and singing the age old song. It was ridiculous. And his best friend’s reaction was even better, as the shirtless thing was clearly not planned. His face felt like it might burst from how widely he was smiling and laughing. He applauded their performance and began to look around his room as they took shots, wanting to join in. Alas, nothing was about so all he could do was to complain. Following the surprise, the boys stuck around for longer than he’d expected but after a catch up, left the call, leaving him alone with Robbe, which made him happier than he probably realised.

‘Did you like your present?’ Robbe asked shyly. Sander reinforced his already present grin.

‘I loved it!’

‘I don’t know what the taking the shirts off thing was about, I’m sorry-,’

‘What the fuck Robbe, don’t apologise! I’ve never had anyone do this much for me - I don’t care how… Interesting your friends are,’

A giggle responded and it made his heart flutter a little. He thought little of that though.

‘Honestly, thank you.’

They sat simply looking at each other for a few minutes. In these moments, Sander would often thank the heavens governing over the world for allowing Robbe to wander into his life at a Christmas party. It’s not as if Sander had never had friends - he had friends. But the way Robbe had marched into his bedroom, mid January, demanding to know why he’d been unresponsive, the way in which the younger still looked at him with the same gaze as he had done before after learning about his bipolar, the way in which he always seemed to do the right thing to ease his brain, Sander couldn’t deny that it had to be magic, or fate, or some form of binding energy that brought the two of them together.

‘What are you thinking about?’ the voice from the screen asked quietly. Sander shrugged.

‘How hot Jens really is,’ 

He decided to tease his friend instead of telling him the truth. Not that he thought Robbe would judge him for those thoughts, he just didn’t feel like sharing them in that moment.

‘Too bad he’s straight,’ Sander added, as a way to hopefully stop his best friend from enquiring any further. What he didn’t expect was what direction that comment would steer the conversation.

‘Well…’ 

03/05/20 Dinsdag 23:32

There was a knock on his door.

‘Robbe?’ his mum poked her head around the door. He looked over. She looked tired, but had a gentle smile on her face.

‘It’s getting late, I think you should go to bed now,’ she said. He smiled back and nodded. A year ago, he would’ve argued - it wasn’t that late! And it’s not as if he had something to be up for in the morning. But he knew she only meant well. Especially now, considering how the lockdown affected her mental health. After a weekend of being annoyed that she hadn’t let him spend the last few hours before lockdown with his friends, he had decided that it would just be a lot easier for the both of them, if he was easy with her and gave her extra leeway. Sander may have helped him come to that conclusion, but either way, he had been trying his best to be as obedient as possible with her and this was no exception.

‘Okay,’ he said. A small grin appeared on her face.

‘Goodnight Sander!’ she called, focus on the laptop screen on her son’s desk.

‘Goodnight Ines!’ he called back.

‘Night Mama,’

‘I love you,’

‘I love you too,’ and she closed the door. He then brought the laptop over to his bed before quickly changing into some night wear.

‘Are you really going to bed now?’ Sander asked quietly as Robbe crawled back onto his bed, pulling the laptop to the side and covering himself with the duvet. He shrugged.

‘I can’t talk too loudly but I can stay for a bit,’ he explained, before reaching up and turning off his light so that the only thing lighting up the room was the laptop screen.

‘I can go if you’re tired?’ Sander offered but he shook his head.

‘No stay please,’ Robbe replied, perhaps a little too quickly. The blond somehow read Robbe’s subconscious thoughts and followed suit by heading over to his own bed, getting changed, and turning off the light.

Once he was settled, he spoke.

‘How is she doing?’ he asked.

‘Okay I suppose. She was struggling a bit these past few days but doing better today,’ Robbe explained. There was a question hanging in the air and they could both feel it.

‘You can ask, it’s okay,’ Sander reassured him.

So he took a breath.

‘How are you doing?’ 

Sander sighed, looking as though he was sitting back into his thoughts.

‘I wanted to do better,’ he admitted.

Robbe gave him a sad smile.

‘You’re doing your best,’

‘I don’t feel like I am though…’

‘You’re trying, right?’

Sander nodded.

‘Then you are doing your best. This lockdown isn’t easy on anyone. I’ve been struggling, my Mama’s struggled, even Aaron’s struggling,’

A smirk appeared at the last comment.

‘And what exactly is he struggling with?’

Robbe considered for a moment whether he should divulge the story and realised that his best friend would do the same for him.

‘He er… Sent Amber a dick pic,’

‘What!?’

‘You heard me,’

‘Did er, did she um ask for it?’

The uncomfortable expression, at the concept of someone wanting a dick pic from Aaron, made Robbe laugh, shaking his head.

‘Fuck…’

‘They’ve made up though apparently,’

‘Yeah they seemed fine earlier,’ Sander commented, referring to the zoom “end-of-lockdown” party they’d taken part in earlier. Another moment lapsed.

‘Okay let’s talk about something else. I don’t want the last thing we talk about before going to bed to be Aaron’s dick,’

Robbe laughed in agreement.

‘Alright, what shall we talk about?’ he asked, sleep beginning to seep into his voice and brain.

‘Um…’ Sander’s hushed voice made him shiver. Despite only being on screens, there was something incredibly intimate about what they were doing, that made his heart skip a beat. 

‘What should we do tomorrow?’ he asked, reminding Robbe that he would be able to meet his best friend from the following day, so long as he was socially distant.

‘How about… We could play tennis? Or… have a picnic?’

‘Get milkshakes?’ Sander suggested, raising his eyebrows. Robbe used his duvet to hide his blushing cheeks. He knew exactly what the eyebrow raise meant. 

It’s not a crush, absolutely not. It can’t be. It’s not. A. Crush.

‘Because we’re gay and somewhat gay?’

‘You got it,’

They giggled.

‘We can play tennis,’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah,’

‘I’d like that,’

‘I miss you,’

The conversation was whispered through pillowtalk and came to a gradual close as they fell asleep with the video call still open.

04/05/20 Maandag 10:42

**_Noor:_ ** _Are you free to call?_

 **_Robbe:_ ** _I will be in like 10 minutes._

 **_Noor:_ ** _Hurry._

Robbe had been helping his mum clean the house, a weekly ritual they’d created when the texts came through and was a little baffled. He had no idea why his ex girlfriend was in such a hurry to see him but he didn’t like to keep her waiting. So once he wiped down his last window, he returned all the cleaning equipment to their respective places.

‘Mama, is that everything?’ he asked, walking into the kitchen to see his mum vigorously scrubbing the kitchen counters. She looked up and nodded.

‘Yep, I think so!’

‘Okay, I’ll be in my room.’

Taking 2 steps at a time, he bounded up the stairs and shut himself into his room. The moment he opened Facebook on his laptop, the call came through.

'Finally!'

'Good to see you too,'

The black haired girl rolled her eyes.

'You miss me that much?' he teased. But she furrowed her eyebrows.

'No...?’ she left off, as if she was wanting him to complete her sentence. ‘You don't know what day it is?'

He was clueless.

'Er… the day we can play no contact sports?'

'No! 6 months!'

'Oh. Oh!’ he exclaimed as it hit him. Had it really been 6 months since he broke up with Noor? 6 months since he came out? It felt like only a month ago. The past few months had truly flown by, and he knew exactly why.

‘Really? Already?'

'Yep! And I suppose you kept your promise, so I release you!’ she said dramatically, waving her arms as if she was undoing a spell. In turn Robbe pretended to be hit by some invisible force

‘I’m honoured.’

They simply sat, just thinking for a moment or two before a suggestive look came about her.

‘You have anyone in mind?’ she asked, raising an eyebrow. Robbe shook his head, refusing to even admit to himself, who he was thinking of.

‘Alright, alright,’ Noor surrendered. ‘If that’s the case then I can set you up with some cute guy from my year. Once lockdown’s fully over obviously,’

Robbe rolled his eyes.

‘Noor, can I not just live my life not thinking about that for a bit?’

‘You’ve had 6 months. It’s time you get out there! Besides, I know your type. I’ve got a few people in mind already. There’s-,’

‘Noor!’

‘What?’

He sighed, lost for words. He had no real reason why he didn’t want to “get out there” - or at least one he was happy to share with the girl. But he knew for certain that he didn’t want to be set up for the time being.

Truth be told, he was scared.The last time he had a crush on a guy, he ended up mucking up that guy’s relationship - he didn’t want that to happen again.

But Noor wasn’t going to hear that.

‘Well that’s all I wanted to say. I would’ve done it in person but…’

He nodded, understanding her reasons.

‘Okay, I’m going to go then. But just think about whoever you thought about earlier,’ and with that, the centre of the screen turned black with a message asking for a review of the call.

He knew who he was thinking about earlier. It was the last person he was thinking about before falling asleep, and first when he woke up. It was the person that’d made the first quarter of the year fly, and who made lockdown bearable. And it was the person who he couldn’t and wouldn’t have a crush on because the person was one of his closest friends, his other half. He couldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more frequent updates about my writing, follow me on twitter!  
> @spacepanda1011


	9. Milkshakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little yearning fluff I suppose?  
> The next chapter will be a bit longer and I'm quite busy this week so will probably be late so please bare with!  
> Enjoy!

26/07/20 Zondag

'Here we are, two Con Mocha milkshakes, and one Paradise Molleux!'

Two glasses and one ramekin were placed between them before the waitress waltzed away to work with another customer.

'These are so good!' Sander insisted, grabbing one of the two spoons. Robbe picked up the other.

'It smells amazing,' he commented. Sander took the first bite and moaned.

'Mm! Ah it's been so long!'

His companion giggled and took his own bite.

'And?' Sander asked once he'd taken a full bite. Robbe raised his eyebrows and nodded.

'Delicious!'

Robbe went in for another bite whilst Sander took a sip of his milkshake. They sat quietly, occasionally sipping or taking a bite, and watched life on the street in front of them.

'I missed this…' Sander sighed.

'What?'

'This. Us. People…'

'Milkshakes?' Robbe teased. Sander grinned and nodded.

'Milkshakes,'

'You know, we could learn to make them - I don't think they're that hard,'

‘Justin and Vasil, you know, the guys making the milkshake business, they probably have some spare recipes,’ he suggested.

‘How’s that coming by the way?’

Sander shrugged.

‘Obviously the virus has put everything back by loads but they hadn't spent much yet so financially, they're alright. I think they’re going to try aim to open for Pride for next year,’

‘Why Pride?’

‘They want it rainbow themed so it kinda works for marketing. But I think now they have time, they’re looking at making it a specific LGBT+ space. We’ve got bars and clubs, we should be allowed some non alcohol places right?’

Robbe smiled and nodded.

‘I’ll be there for the opening!’

‘You’ll be first on the guest list!’

They took a moment away from the conversation to sip their drinks and savour the treat.

'Mm we might be going back into lockdown soon so I suppose we'll have to learn to make if we can’t go back out,' Sander joked, stirring his drink with the straw. 

The mention of a 2nd lockdown reminded Robbe that things were far from okay. Hanging out with Sander always made him forget the state of the world. At least with the boys they tried to put some space between them considering they didn't share bubbles. In fact, when the 4 first met up after the easing of the 1st lockdown, he'd been prepared to put up a fight about social distancing, having spent almost 3 months locked up with his mum, but for the most part they followed the rules. It wasn't always exactly the right distance or with masks, but it was always outside at the very least.

But with Sander, he could forget all that was bad about the world. 

'What would we be without milkshakes?' Robbe commented in mock horror.

'Straight?'

28/07/20 Dinsdag 19:48

The sun was shining down and glistening against the water at the relatively empty Boekenbergpark. The hot day had been spent with the boys and girls in the park and swimming pool. The group had decided to attempt hanging out in a socially distant way, with the likes of Zoe and Jana making sure of it. It'd been glorious. Despite the new curfew and rules that'd been put in place, it'd been a genuinely fun and freeing day. When the clock hit 6, people began making various excuses to head off, leaving Robbe and Sander standing together on the bridge, gazing out over the glittery water.

‘Does it ever scare you?’ Sander asked, a solemn look upon his face.

‘Hmm?’

‘Everything. The lockdown, the virus… Everything…’ he clarified.

Robbe nodded.

‘Yeah of course,’ he replied softly, noticing the familiar type of comment. This was one of the few moments when Sander was opening up his brain a little, and sharing his thoughts. Robbe knew, especially in these moments, to listen hard before responding.

‘We’re basically in a second lockdown and… I don’t know… I miss how the world used to be I think…’ he trailed off.

Robbe hummed in agreement. A moment later he spoke up.

‘But that can be said about anything, right? When we go through difficult times, we want to go back to what it used to be. But when we come out of it, maybe the new normal will be better,’ he offered.

‘How?’

‘Like… We’ll be more hygienic probably? From all the cleaning and handwashing, that’s always a plus? And… People aren’t travelling so much so it’s better for the environment? I don’t know, things like that.’

Sander smiled and looked over at him. A nervous look flooded across his face then, out of the blue and almost awkwardly, he rested his head on his friend’s shoulder. 

This was new and intimate. As friends go, they were certainly very close and hugged a lot and things like that, certainly not anything he'd do with his Broerrrs, but this was new. And it was nice. So he responded by leaning back on top of Sander’s head, causing the blond to relax and shuffle closer.

‘I suppose…' he sighed.

'And baking,' Robbe carried on, relishing in the new found comfort of that position. 'We're baking and cooking more so we're healthier. And… we pay more attention to different things, like the news and where our money goes and all that,' he muttered quietly. He felt warm and fuzzy and happy, and not just from the sun. The weight on his right shoulder definitely contributed. It was so comfortable.

'And buses and parks and all aren't as crowded - that's quite nice. I think people overall are a bit kinder now as well,'

Robbe paused as the weight on his shoulder got heavier and he looked down to see his friend with his eyes shut, wearing a small smile. He looked like Sleeping Beauty. 

Robbe let out a small laugh.

'You tired?'

'Mm.'

Robbe rested his head back on Sander's and also closed his eyes, trying to take in and cherish the moment. It was nice. It was so nice. It made his stomach want to flip and his heart flutter. But this wasn't a crush. He would not turn it into a crush. Absolutely not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on twitter for updates!
> 
> [@spacepanda1011](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	10. Seal Of Approval

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been a hot minute huh? Apologies - I got very busy and also this chapter was being very difficult so. Anyways. A bit of future predicting in this chapter, I hope I've been accurate in the positive points but we'll see.  
> As always, any comments, feedback - whatever, very much appreciated!  
> Enjoy!

02/09/20 Woensdag 08:40

The first day back at school after the summer holidays was always strange, Robbe thought. It’s almost like he would switch between a summer holiday version of himself, and a school version of himself. Adapting back into a weekly routine was something over the years he’d gotten pretty skilled at. But coming back after almost 6 months was almost relieving. He was genuinely looking forward to going back to classes and seeing his Broerrrs, and the girls - heck even Amber. Even his other classmates that he wouldn’t consider close friends, but would still greet them at parties. Just something about the routine, about the getting up before 9am, about walking his usual route, was welcoming on his first day back.

It was strange, certainly. And his mum had been incredibly reluctant to let him return. But despite his quieter disposition, he was an extrovert. He thrived being around people, his friends, and his mum noticed that. Coming home after a day of hanging with his friends, or even just going to the supermarket, he was always that much more smiley and energetic than the days when it was just the two of them. 

So she put in place some rules; straight there, straight back - no exceptions. To wear a mask when inside at all times, apart from eating and drinking. To use the sanitiser she’d been recommended by her doctor before and after every class and lunctimes. And, although she trusted the school would help enforce this, to remain socially distant from anyone he hadn’t met up with in the past 6 months.

With the rules in mind, he entered his school and immediately spotted Jens jogging up behind him.

‘Weird right?’ Jens said, nodding towards the queue of people around the courtyard. It was a fairly fast moving queue, but a queue nonetheless.

‘Yeah. I suppose they’re nervous though,’ he justified as the two joined the back of the queue, keeping their distance.

‘Mm.’ 

They moved forward a few spaces before stopping again.

‘Hey! Robbe!’ a female voice called from behind him. He turned to see Sarah, a girl he often sat next to during History class. They weren’t the closest or best of friends, but acquainted and civil.

‘Sarah! Hey! How are you doing?’ he asked, waving to the blonde girl stood behind Jens.

‘I’m good, you?’

‘Good yeah. How did lockdown treat you?’

‘Good, really good. Honestly, I think I worked better from home - I could cook and clean and workout and fit schoolwork around that. So good!’ she explained. He smiled. Their personalities certainly meshed but their lifestyles and work ethic were polar opposites. ‘You?’

‘Alright. Can’t believe I’m saying this but I think I almost missed school!’

‘Dude, really?’ Jens butted in. Robbe nodded, not even considering whether he should be totally honest with his friend or not.

‘Yeah. I mean, I’ll probably go back to hating it tomorrow, but I don’t know… I think having a routine and having to be somewhere at a certain time helped keep things chill. Don’t tell me your family didn’t drive you mad,’

Jens shrugged and nodded.

‘Yeah, I get you I think. Lies drove me crazy,’ he admitted.

‘It’s just my dad and me but we get on well, plus he was working a lot so I think it was perfect,’ Sarah explained. ‘But anyways. How’s your family? And, er your boyfriend?’

‘My what?’ 

‘The um the blond one? He’s always on your instagram,’

'Sander?'

'I told you we're not the only ones!' Jens exclaimed and Sarah furrowed her eyebrows in response.

' _ He's _ not my boyfriend. We're just friends,' he corrected her, emphasising that  _ Sander _ wasn’t his boyfriend, in an attempt to be able to steer the conversation in a natural way to the topic he’d been dying to tell his friend for the past week.

'Oh okay. How's he-,' she began to ask but was cut off but a friend greeting her. The two were immediately knee deep into catch up so he figured that was the end of that conversation.

'Dude,' Jens said, getting his attention. 'What do you mean that  _ he's _ not your boyfriend? What did I miss when I got dragged to the Netherlands?'

Jens had caught on to the emphasis he'd used and Robbe started out with a sheepish smile.

'Um, Milan basically forced me to try Grindr and to "get out there" and I suppose it worked,'

'Wait. What!?’

He nodded, the smile and confidence growing.

‘Er when were you going to tell me?’

‘You got back like 2 days ago and I wanted to tell you in person,’

‘So am I, your best friend, the last one to find out about this?’ he asked, with a mock offended expression. Robbe shook his head.

‘No, it’s quite recent. We only properly got together last week,’

‘You told Sander yet?’

He shook his head.

‘No, he’s had some meetings about the classes he’s taking this year so I couldn’t find the right time,’

‘Alright.’

Conversation momentarily paused as they finally reached the beginning of the queue, gave their names and made sure to use the sanitiser by the door.

‘So,’ Jens began, catching up to his friend. ‘Do I know him?’

Robbe smiled and shook his head.

‘No, he went to a different school,’

‘ _ Went _ ? So you’re into older men,’

He fought back an urge to shove Jens in annoyance, and rolled his eyes instead.

‘He’s only just graduated,’

‘And? Don’t make me say “details” like Amber would,’

‘Okay um… Well he’s called Otilio, he was like the only person I matched with that wasn’t just looking for a hookup, but he’s really nice,’

‘Hot?’

Blushing, he nodded.

‘Where did you first meet? Like in person?

‘He took me on a date to this really fancy place near City Hall. It’s called like Ancien something,’

‘Woah, isn’t that place super expensive?,’ 

He nodded.

‘Yeah, I mean I told him it was too expensive and just getting a coffee would be fine, but he insisted...’ he shrugged.

‘Damn, did he get a job then, graduating this year and all?’

‘Yeah his dad owns like a massive business and got in there somehow- I don’t really understand it all. But yeah…’

‘Ah okay. So. When do we get to meet him?’ Jens asked when the stopped at a crossroads, about to split off in separate direction

‘Soon- I’ll talk to him,’ Robbe replied as his friend walked off.

‘You better!’

20/12/20 Zondag 14:34

‘That’ll be €8 please,’

Sander handed over a note in exchange for two plastic cups of mulled cider.

‘Keep the change,’ he told the shop owner with a smile and headed back to the seating area where his best friend had been waiting. The boy adorning an orange coat had his phone held to his ear and didn’t look happy. Sander quietly sat down, placing one of the cups in front of his companion.

‘Ot, you can’t tell me who I can and can’t hang out with! That’s not up to you to- How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not cheating on you!? Why don’t you trust me?’

Beginning to feel a little awkward at hearing this conversation, Sander pulled out his phone to try busy his mind. 

He’d met Otillio, Robbe’s boyfriend, and definitely tried his best to be civil. This was the person that his best friend had fallen in love with. And no matter how much there was something that didn’t quite click for him, he’d support his best friend no matter what. And whilst it was getting harder and harder to witness the two kiss and be couple-y in front of him, he wouldn’t, and couldn’t complain. What was there to complain about? Just the occasional “get a room” comment was all he could say. He had no real reason. He’d blame it on the whole PDA thing but for some reason he knew that wasn’t true. And yet he couldn’t figure out what the true reason was.

‘Don’t-,’ Robbe started then fell quiet. A guilty expression washed over and Sander could physically see him fighting to stay strong in the argument he seemed to be having. And all he wanted to do was to hug him tightly, to convince him to stay strong.

‘You know that wasn’t an easy- Yeah okay, you might not’ve gone through that but-,’ He gulped and looked up to the sky. A glance his friend knew all too well. It was one that was holding back tears. And it took all he had for Sander not to reach over.

As Robbe’s gaze wandered back down, he met Sander’s. Then he took a deep breath.

‘Look, I don’t want to do this right now. I haven’t seen Sander in ages, I told you that we’d be hanging out last week - I just want to spend time with my friend. We’ll talk later,’ and with that, he abruptly hung up the phone, collapsing his head into his hands that were resting upright on the table. Sander was a little unsure of what to do so he shyly nudged the cup forward again before speaking.

‘Everything good?’

Robbe looked up with a pained smile. One where Sander knew, whatever he was about to say, would be a cold, honest truth.

‘Ottilio… He… He basically thinks I’m cheating on him. With you,’

‘What?’

‘Yeah. And I keep telling him but…’ he trailed off, pulling his cup closer to him and fiddling with the edges.

‘But…?’ Sander prompted.

‘Just… I feel like he doesn’t trust me with anything. And that I have to be really careful around him,’

‘That doesn’t sound too healthy…’ Sander commented gently. He was always keen to not dismiss his friend’s relationship, no matter how much Ottilio irked him. But he’d been hearing more and more warning signs as the weeks went on. He had to say  _ something _ .

‘Mm.’

‘Robbe,’ he started, anxious his comments would be taken in the right way. ‘Why are you with him? I get I’m not the best person when it comes to relationship advice, but I know what’s happening right now isn’t healthy,’

Robbe, to his surprise, shrugged.

‘I’m not even sure at this point. He was really nice to begin with - we really got along. I mean there were a few things but nothing’s going to be perfect, right?’

‘What kind of things?’

‘Like… Our first date. He took me to this really expensive restaurant,’ Sander was already wincing, knowing how uncomfortable his friend can get at overly extravagant things, ‘And it was sweet and cool and all, but it was a lot. And I told him, but he kept saying that he wants to “treat me” and all that but… I don’t know, it just always felt awkward,’

‘Mm,’

They fell into a silence whilst Sander tried to think of an appropriate response. His initial thoughts were that they should break up. But on further thought, he knew how hard Robbe had been working at becoming more comfortable and confident with himself, and if Ottilio was helping him, then he didn’t want to take that away, or even suggest the possibility. He could vividly remember when Robbe told him about the guy, they were walking through Stadspark. He had a nervous expression at first, but the way he smiled when he described how they got together, their first kiss - there was an unease that shot through Sander’s body, but ultimately, his friend was happy. And a happy Robbe was his favourite type of Robbe. But he didn’t seem happy anymore.

‘Robbe, I’m sure you know what’s best for you and I just want you to be happy. But if it’s awkward and you’re always arguing and he doesn’t trust you, I don’t understand why you’re still together,’ he said.

Robbe opened and closed his mouth a few times before shrugging. He didn’t need to say much more. Sander knew all too well the feeling of being trapped in a relationship and not knowing how to get out. And he also knew that it wasn’t something he could advise on. So he picked up his cup.

‘To crappy relationships?’ he offered, raising his cup towards Robbe. A grin appeared on his friend’s face as he copied.

‘To crappy relationships.’

22/01/21 Vrijdag 20:12

The evening was more interesting than he had expected considering his lack of interest in art, and his only motive for attending being to support his friend. The academy had turned one of their large lecture halls and two corridors into an exhibition for 2nd year students to present some of the work they’d created in various classes the previous semester. According to Sander, various groups had been shown around throughout the week and the Friday evening slot included himself along with 5 other students, each getting 15 minutes to present their art to an audience of teachers, family, and friends. The boy had been fairly calm for most of the evening until the 3rd student began presenting their last piece. He had been stood close, arms almost flush with Robbe’s, so it was easy to tell when he began to get anxious. It started with his fingers and wrists that began to get switchy and stretch and turn, then his arm and shoulder, trying every 3 seconds to release some tension by rolling but seemingly only causing more, and the final thing Robbe noticed was his face. His gaze was darting all about the room and his eyebrows gradually scrunched together.

‘Hey,’ Robbe whispered, knocking the back of his hand against the artist’s. The twitching halted at the touch as he snapped his gaze to his side. ‘You okay?’

A fake smile was shot as he nodded, despite it being blatantly obvious that he wasn’t. Robbe knocked the back of his hand against his again.

‘You’ll be fine!’

The boy gulped and nodded, not convinced at all. Then, on instinct, Robbe reached out and grabbed his friend’s hand tightly. Sander’s expression was surprised for a second then softened as he looked at their hands and back at him. He smiled a thanks, before tightening the grip of their hands.

Holding hands wasn’t exactly a new thing. It was usually a thing they’d do in private when the other needs some physical support, but not quite a hug. But the gesture in public was new. And it seemed to work.

A few minutes later the 3rd student had finished and it was Sander's turn to present. His hand reluctantly left Robbe's as he nervously made his way to the front to stand next to a canvas on the wall.

21:13

Time flew by afterwards. At the end of Sander's presentation, Robbe made sure to clap and whoop loudly, which was apparently not a thing you're meant to do for an art exhibition, but the beam that spread across his best friend's face made it worth the slight embarrassment.

During the last student's presentation, their hands found their way to each other and comfortably embraced. It was purely platonic, of course. It was just comfortable and right and all that.

Once all students had presented, their professor thanked everyone for coming and everyone applauded the artists again before disbanding into the night.

Sander and Robbe walked hand in hand away from the Academy.

'That was really good - you're bound to get a good mark!' he proclaimed.

'Only because my good luck charm was in the audience,' Sander said, smirking and giving his friend a wink.

'I really liked the colourful one. It worked to contrast with your darker ones,' Robbe commented, trying to ignore the way his heart fluttered with what he’d said, and how his stomach churned at the wink.

And they carried on, chatting about the evening and the other art - Robbe giving opinions and Sander giving him the right vocabulary for his thoughts - until they came to the road where they would split off in different directions. Their hands were still clasped when they stopped and remained that way until they reached for a hug.

'Thank you,' Sander whispered.

'What for?' Robbe mumbles back.

'Coming tonight,'

'I'd be offended if you didn't invite me!' he joked and set about pulling away. What he didn't expect was Sander's grip to tighten, preventing him from pulling away. So he eased back into the hold. The churning was back. He could normally push it away fairly easily but for some reason, this time it was putting up a fight. He was suddenly hyperaware of how close he was to his best friend. He could feel their cheeks touching necks, his chin on his shoulder, the arms around their bodies, their chests, their stomachs… was this…? Could it be…?

Before the question could be answered, the hug ended. But the feeling didn't. And Robbe tried his hardest to suppress the blush - he really did. But the boy in front of him was chewing his lip to the side, giving a shy smile. And he'd be lying if he didn't want to jump back into Sander's arms and kiss him silly that minute.

They eventually parted, tangled hands lingering a few seconds longer and as he walked away, Robbe felt like he was walking on a cloud. He could hear his heart beating loudly, his chest was all fluttery and he finally understood the concept of butterflies. This was a crush. As much as he’d been trying to suppress it and deny it, this must be a crush. He hadn’t felt this way ever before. All he could dream about was Sander. All he wanted was Sander. The only thing on his mind was Sander. Sandersandersander-

**_Ottilio:_ ** _ Where are you? _

The text snapped him out of his thoughts.

**_Ottilio:_ ** _ I just called by your place and no one was home. _

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Why were you at my place? And I went to Sander’s art expo. Like I said yesterday. _

**_Otillio:_ ** _ Sander? I thought I told you not to hang out with him. _

That did it. That was the last straw. He’d been thinking about it for about two months. It was inevitable. Sander said it wasn’t healthy. Jens said it wasn’t healthy. Heck, even Moyo who’d yet to have a stable relationship said it wasn’t healthy. And Robbe knew that.

He had to, and was going to break up with him.

29/04/21 Donderdag 17:55

The sun was shining through the window, painting the room with fresh colours and a light breeze wafted through Sander’s now brown hair. As much as he’d enjoyed the white, it was damaging and constantly reminded him of his time with Britt. He’d definitely go back to it another time, but for now he wanted his hair to mend in its natural state. He was sat at his desk, laptop open with a menu design on his screen. Justin and Vasil had set him the task of producing drafts of menus so that they could start making leaflets and social media posts with the same style and format. As much as he loved painting and drawing, he had begun to really enjoy graphic design for his friends and saw it as a genuine career path. So much so that he’d almost forgotten that he wasn’t alone in his room until he heard the bed creak. The person who’d creaked the bed made him grin, and he didn’t even need to look over.

A thing the two friends had begun doing at the beginning of April, was studying at each other’s house, which they were surprisingly good at. A timer would be set, laptops and books open, and for 30 to 60 minutes they would focus. This was the only condition on which Robbe’s mum would let the two hang out during exam season, and now that Ottilio was out of the picture, Robbe having broken up with him after the art expo, it was almost as if they were trying to make up for lost time. So they’d made a pact to make sure they always studied for at least half an hour whenever they hung out. It turned out to be quite a good plan. Somehow with his friend in the room, everything was right, and comfortable and he could concentrate on his work with no worries. And when the timer went off, they would spend the rest of the time catching up or chatting about anything.

Which is what happened.

‘Finally!’ Robbe exclaimed, gently throwing his pen onto his book. ‘That lasted forever! 

Sander made sure to click save once finishing off before closing the window of the drawing app.

‘Mm.’

Robbe spun around to lie on his back on Sander’s bed as Sander spun on his chair to face the bed.

‘You know, Amber’s suggesting another holiday together after exams,’

‘Hm?’

Sander rolled over on his chair and rested his feet on the corner of the bed.

‘Yeah she was saying we could see if we could go abroad this time but I don’t know where…’

He leant back as far as his chair would let him and let his mind wander about places he’d always dreamed of travelling to. London was an obvious one with the many Bowie themed attractions there. But he began casting his mind further.

‘I’d love to go to Japan…’ he thought aloud.

‘Japan?’

‘Yeah, one of my friends is half Japanese and she’s told me all about that country. It seems really cool,’

‘Does your friend know any cheap hotels?’ Robbe joked.

‘I mean she always stays with family so…’ he trailed off into a comfortable few minutes of quiet before Robbe responded.

‘I mean if she knows anywhere cheap… Japan does seem pretty cool,’

‘I’ll ask her,’ he mumbled without moving, but making a mental note to do so. His mind then began to imagine a trip to Japan with Robbe; sitting on the plane next to each other, both of them being hopeless at the language, touring the street art of Tokyo. He instantly pictured himself placing a cherry blossom behind his friend’s ear and that’s what snapped him back to reality. Not because of any negative feelings, more because of how strongly he wanted that to happen. How much he wanted to walk around a foreign country, holding hands with Robbe. The thought and feeling confused him. He didn’t… He couldn’t have a… Could he?

So he did what he thought was the best option and moved the subject on.

‘I can’t wait till this milkshake bar is open,’ he sighed and spun around in the chair, wanting to move the topic on so his brain wouldn’t overload in front of the very point of his thoughts.

‘How’s it going?’

‘It’s fine. Like it’s good and I can see myself doing this kinda thing as a job, but I miss just being able to use real pencils and charcoal…’

‘Are you sick of all the colours? Is that what you’re saying?’ Robbe teased, knowing that Sander had a thing for the black and white when it came to art, so he rolled his eyes. His insides were still on edge from the thought spiral from earlier so he hoped rolling his eyes would really send the opposite message.

‘No… I mean yeah but-,’ his friend giggled and his stomach flipped, ‘I don’t know… Just staring at a screen and wearing a glove all day can get boring. I miss the realness of art,’ he explained, ignoring the flip.

‘What about you? Where did you end up applying?’

The boy on his bed took a moment to reply.

‘Eh some courses in Antwerp… My mama made me apply for Brussels and Ghent but I think I’d rather stay here,’

‘On my bed?’ Sander joked.

‘Yeah. Right here…’ The boy sighed happily and visibly sank his body into the mattress more. ‘Can I stay here?’

Sander’s heart fluttered and his stomach flipped again.

‘You can,’

And that was it. That was the moment when he realised what all these feelings were. Every lingering touch, every longing glance, everytime his heart or his stomach did something funny when he and his friend made a particularly intimate move. As soon as he’d set eyes on him, something in him knew, It may have taken a good 18 months for him to fully realise, but he finally did. He had a crush on Robbe.

05/06/21 Zaterdag 12:52

Robbe walked down the street, approaching the colourful new shop that'd opened only 5 days prior, in time for pride month. As promised, he'd attended the opening ceremony, being sure to whoop and clap the loudest when Sander received his thanks, causing his friend to blush. It had been a bright sunny day, but right now was the complete opposite. He held his hood in place as rain pelted down and wind sprinted through until he reached the bright blue door. Once he was inside and safe from the rain, he scanned over the tables until he found his best friend sat in a small booth on the far side of the bar. Grinning, he made his way over.

'Hey! Sorry I'm late - the bus was late!' he apologised as he took his coat off and shuffled into the booth, opposite Sander.

'Hey, that's alright. I ordered for you,' he said, mirroring the grin.

'What?'

'Surprise!'

Robbe rolled his eyes at the singsong tone of his friend. Sander liked surprising people, he supposed he'd be used to it by now but apparently not.

He propped his hands on the table and eventually looked up.

‘Did Amber manage to make an itinerary yet?’

Robbe grinned and rolled his eyes yet again.

‘I don’t know. Aaron says she’s stressing a little to find things that we’ll all enjoy… I suppose we should help,’ he explained. Sander smirked.

‘Would she accept it though? Like she said she didn’t need my friend’s help. My friend who’s temporarily lived in Japan and can fluently speak the language,’

‘Wait, did she say that?’

‘Mm hm! I’ve been taking notes from her though. And learning the language - figured you’ll need at least one person who can make sense of it,’

‘Oh? I guess I’ll have to stick with you then for the entire trip!’

He’d made a joke of it, but he really wouldn’t mind sticking with Sander, whether he knew the language or not.

‘Hey! Robbe!’ a voice called. He flipped his head around to see Sander’s friend, Vasil, heading towards their table with two glasses, one containing a slightly lighter brown coloured milkshake than the other.

'Hey Vas!'

The glasses were placed in front of them, the lighter one in front of Robbe.

'How are you? How was the exam?' he asked, in reference to the exam he'd mention to the guy at the opening of the shop.

Robbe shrugged.

'Okay… Could've done better…' he admitted.

'Shut up - you'll do amazing!' Sander insisted.

'Yeah I'm sure it wasn't that bad,' Vasil chimed in. ‘And if not, we could always do with more staff here!’

He smiled.

‘Thanks!’

Vasil left the two not too long afterwards and Robbe cautiously pulled his glass towards him before taking a sip.

‘Wait! Is this-?’ he began, recognising the flavour. Sander beamed, nodding, and that made his heart skip a beat.

‘Mm hm! The Robbe special!’ Sander said, spreading his arms out as if he were creating a banner with those words on, ‘Or in other words, a speculoos milkshake.’

In an attempt to suppress a massive grin from breaking out and to hide his blushing, Robbe took a long sip. Once he’d manage to push the fluttery-ness down enough, he looked up again, giving a more controlled grin and a thumbs up.

‘Does it have the Robbe seal of approval?’

‘It does!’

The control broke for a second. And in that second when he let his biggest smile takeover, Sander’s expression changed. It was almost like a gasp in face form. But before the Speculoos milkshake drinker had time to consider what it meant, it vanished as quick as Robbe’s smile and he bent his head down to sip some of his own drink. Robbe copied, trying to push away what’d just happened. He looked up nervously, whilst the ice cream and speculoos mixture rose through the straw. Sander looked up a moment later and their eyes met. And met was a good word for it. It wasn’t a look. It wasn’t an accidental glance. It was a cherishing-the-moment-even-though-they-didn’t-fully-grasp-what-the-moment-was glance. It was a  _ hi _ . Whatever it was, it made Robbe’s stomach churn, like it did that night after Sander’s first art expo. If there’d been any uncertainty about the crush after that night, he was so certain now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Twitter for updates!
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	11. Mr Physics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agh! Sorry again for the delay - just had a whole lot of writer's block for this chapter. Also, I'm loving s4 so far but considering it looks like they're going down the het route, would anyone be down for a LuKato au fic??

28/06/21 Maandag 12:07

‘Free at last baby!’ Robbe whooped as he left the school.

‘Ah fuck, that exam was really difficult though,’ Aaron huffed, walking beside his friend.

‘It wasn’t too bad…’

‘For real, what did you get on question 5?’

‘Profit - duh,’

‘Ah man!’ Aaron facepalmed.

‘Dude, what did you put?’

‘I put wages!’ Robbe rolled his eyes. He recalled this being something the two had discussed with Yasmina and Luca during a study session. 

‘Aaron! Really? We went over this literally 2 days ago!’

‘Agh!’ Aaron ran his hands through his hair in a frustrated manner and Robbe realised perhaps scolding him right after the exam wasn’t a good move.

‘That was only worth one point though, not that big of a deal,’ he tried to comfort him.

The two walked out of school, evaluating other parts of the exam, helping Aaron to realise perhaps he hadn’t done as badly as he thought.

‘You coming to the park later?’ Robbe asked and to his surprise, his friend shook his head.

‘No Amber wanted me to come over. Probably to help plan the trip,’

‘You know, Serena’s offer’s still there,’ he reminded his friend of Sander’s half Japanese friend who’d offered to help in the planning of their trip. But of course, Amber held her reins quite tightly to the point that any cool places Serena would recommend the few times Robbe had hung out with her, he would have to use Aaron as a relay to even get Amber to consider it.

‘I know, but you know Amber… Do you have any other spots or things I can mention to her?’

‘Yeah, there’s this Monster cafe thing in Harajuku? It looks trippy and cool at the same time but the food’s pretty good apparently. And a trick art place in Odaiba… I’ll send you a link,’ Robbe said, pulling out his phone.

‘Thanks man. I said I’d meet her for lunch though so I’ll try mention those!’ he said. They were now stood by where Aaron had parked his scooter and looked across the road to see a familiar figure waving. Robbe’s good mood heightened as he waved back with a grin.

‘Is that ever going to happen?’ Aaron asked as he climbed onto the scooter and waggling his finger loosely between the other two boys. Robbe furrowed his eyebrows.

‘Dude, it’s so obvious you like each other. Like we all know!’ he exclaimed.

‘Well  _ dude _ , it’s never going to happen so keep dreaming,’ Robbe patted his friend on the pack whilst trying to suppress the pain of the truth he’d spoken. Sure, he had a massive crush on yet another best friend. But he couldn’t quite forgive himself on how the last one had turned out and couldn’t imagine himself being deserving of someone even half as good as Sander. He had been barely good enough for Ottilio - what made him think he'd be good enough for Sander?

‘Never say never my man. Got a week’s trip together coming up, you never know what’ll happen!’ Aaron cut into his thoughts and Robbe couldn’t help but laugh, recalling the beach trip from almost 2 years ago, at how well paired Aaron was with Amber.

03/07/21 Zaterdag 20:13

'I love you! I'll call when we get to the airport!' Robbe said, pulling away from his mum's embrace.

'You'd better,' she joked. He noticed her getting teary eyed and smiled.

'Hey, it's just for a week. I'm not moving out yet!'

She smiled and nodded.

'I know. Make sure you stick with Sander - he seems to be the only one of you to have bothered learning some of the language,'

He laughed. He had no problem staying by Sander’s side, whether he knew the language or not.

'Come on dude!' Jens' voice cut through, reminding the two that they weren't alone. 'I don't want to be yelled at by Amber and have Aaron sucking up to her the whole trip,' he explained, causing Robbe's mum to laugh.

'I suppose you'd better go then!' she said with a shove.

And with that the two friends left their street, heading for the station.

20:51

Jens and Robbe arrived at Antwerp Centraal Station about 10 minutes at the arranged time. Sander’s friend had recommended going via Amsterdam instead of any Belgian airport which was one of the few pieces of advice that Amber heeded directly from her. That, and the offer of free accommodation at her cousin's house.

When they got to the station, the only people who were yet to arrive were Sander and Luca.

‘It’s a shame Noor couldn’t make it,’ Jana commented. ‘I think she would’ve really enjoyed it!’

‘I think she’ll enjoy her trip back to the Netherlands more,’ Robbe responded quietly. Amber questioned his comment with a look so he just shrugged. ‘She’s meeting up with an old friend.’

He had supposedly been the first person she’d told about going back to the Netherlands for a week to see the girl she’d crushed on many years ago, and erred on the safe side on whether she was out to the girls or not. After all, she'd done the same to him.

'Ah well. The house looks really cool though - I can't wait to see it!' Jana said. The girls nodded in agreement.

One of the few things Amber had accepted help with from Serena was accommodation. Because come on, who would refuse free accommodation within a 20 minute commute of Tokyo? The place in question was her cousin’s house - her cousin who’d booked a trip to Hawaii and was looking for a house sitter anyway. Provided there were no insane parties and the place was clean when they left, the group had been welcomed with virtual open arms.

'That Sky Circus thing actually looks not too bad,' Moyo admitted. And as people mentioned what they were looking forward to in the trip, Robbe silently thought that spending more time with Sander was what he was looking forward to most. 

No sooner than that thought entered his mind, two brown haired friends entered the platform, waving at the group crowded around the benches. They greeted the friends in various ways and conversation settled in as they waited for the train.

‘Noor texted earlier,’ Sander said quietly to Robbe.

‘Mm?’ 

Sander pulled his phone out and showed Robbe the text.

**_Noor:_ ** _ Have fun in Japan but I promise I’ll have more fun than you! _

Robbe grinned.

‘Speaking of, has she told everyone else about…?’

They both knew what he was referring to and Sander shook his head.

‘I reckon we shouldn’t say anything if she hasn’t,’

‘Yeah.’

23:50

The group had been waiting at their gate in Schipol Airport for about 20 minutes - the other piece of help Amber had directly accepted from Serena. Breakfast was bought and consumed and the duty free shops had been browsed.

‘Why do I really want to buy stroopwafels?’ Luca sighed rhetorically.

‘Why do none of the airports I go to have prayer rooms?’ Yasmina had asked.

And Jens had reminded Robbe to call his mum. 

Once the boarding announcement happened and everyone was waiting in line eagerly, that was when Robbe found himself fiddling with his passport quite a bit. His heart began to beat louder as nerves kicked in. It was the first time in a long time he’d left mainland Europe, and his first time on a plane. He hadn’t wanted to make a big deal out of it so never mentioned it but now that the reality was settling in, he was anxious. It wasn’t until they sat down in their chairs and did up their seat belts that it became noticeable. He sat by the window, with Sander in the middle seat and a stranger beside them. The rest of the group were in front of them, Amber and Aaron on the other side of the row, and the rest in some sort of order between. Once he’d put his backpack underneath his seat, he made sure to secure his seat belt tightly and held onto the armrests with an iron grip. It must’ve been the white knuckles and the deadpan stare at the TV screen in the back of Moyo’s chair in front of him that gave him away because not 5 minutes after he’d sat down, Sander nudged him. Giving himself a count of 3, he looked away from the chair and to the side at his friend. Next to his friend he could see the 3rd occupant of their section putting their bag away and settling into their seat. He was trapped. He was trapped in with people. Having Sander next to him was probably the only thing keeping him from going into a full panic attack.

‘You okay?’ he asked quietly. Robbe forced a small smile and nodded.

‘You sure? You don’t look it…’

Right. This was his closest friend - of course he’ll see through a fake smile.

‘Um… It’s just my first time on a plane so…’

He didn’t know why he was surprised by the gentle smile he received. He’d probably be more surprised if his friend had begun to make fun of him, but either way, the expression calmed him. It was either the expression, or the arms that suddenly reached around him, pulling him into a hug.

‘I’ll keep you safe,’

That made him grin.

‘Does this help?’ Sander asked, clearly in a joking way but it did help. So he nodded sincerely.

‘Can…’ he began nervously. It was stupid. This was Sander.  _ Sander _ . He didn’t have to be shy in front of Sander. ‘Can you keep doing that?’

And Sander nodded.

‘If it makes you feel better,’ And the sigh of relief from hearing that was real. ‘When the seat belt sign goes off, we can lift the arm rest so it won’t be so awkward,’

‘Thank you.’

The plane eventually took flight around half an hour later. Sander had lent him some earphones.

‘Your ears will probably pop or go a bit weird as we get higher so this will probably help,’ he’d said, plugging a splitter into his phone.

‘I do know that. It’s because the higher you go, the less dense the air is and the air in your inner ear gets trapped. So you need to let air through the Eustachian tubes to equalise the pressure,’

The look Sander gave him made him laugh.

‘Well hello Mr Physics…’

‘I was revising it when we decided on the trip so I suppose my brain thought it’d be useful to keep that,’

His friend laughed as he put his earphones in and hit play.

It wasn’t too difficult to keep Robbe occupied for the rest of the flight. Once the seat belt sign had turned off, as promised, Sander lifted the armrest and shuffled closer to Robbe, considering the boy was a little too fearful of taking his own seat belt off just yet. Sander had been the first to spot a flight attendant travelling down with drinks.

‘You feeling sick yet? Or are you good?’ he asked.

‘Why…?’

Sander smirked. 

‘I would’ve thought Mr Physics would’ve known all about the changing of g forces affects your stomach too,’

Robbe rolled his eyes because he did know but was caught off guard by the question. And then he realised that he did indeed feel sick. 

‘Coke helps,’

‘What?’

‘I’m not Mr Physics so I don’t know why, but coke helps when you’re feeling sick,’ Sander explained, nodding towards the drinks trolley coming their way. Robbe rolled his eyes with a smile and leaned in closer.

‘I don’t know. I think it’s something to do with the pH levels in your stomach. And that’s not physics,’ he said, revelling in the comfort of his friend being so close.

After the first film and a lot of convincing from Sander, he finally caved to his bursting bladder and undid his seat belt to make his way to the bathroom. It took everything he had, or everything he could muster besides trying to control his bladder, to not ask Sander to come with him. He was nervous but as soon as he stood up and poked his head out of the bubble they’d created in the corner, he was hit with reality and self consciousness. The bright light in the toilet itself certainly helped with grounding and orientation. 

When he made his way back, even though he was now more comfortable with the concept of being 10000ft in the air, the two found themselves still practically stuck to each other, sharing Robbe’s screen for films and only physically detaching from each other for meals and bathroom breaks. Even when they woke up after inevitably falling asleep barely a few hours into the flight, nothing was awkward. Robbe had been the first to flutter his eyes open to find a familiar arm around his shoulders and himself leaning against his friend. He couldn’t bring himself to fall back asleep so instead just cherished the embrace whilst exploring what the flight entertainment system had in store. 

He’d been lucky enough to be glancing over when Sander’s eyes opened. His heart fluttered at the sleepy expression on the older boy. He fully expected at that point for him to pull away but what he didn’t expect was to be pulled even closer, being completely wrapped by both of his arms. He didn’t have a single complaint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Follow me on Twitter for updates!
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	12. 3 Alphabets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not even been a week. Whaatt??? Also consistent pov wie?  
> Enjoy! :)

04/07/21 Zondag 19:56

‘That did not take as long as I expected,’ Luca announced as they all trooped into the porch of their new home for the week after Sander had unlocked the door. They’d been lucky enough to meet up with Serena’s cousin at Narita Airport, where she was able to give Sander an extra set of the official house keys, and not just have them use the hidden spares.

‘Make sure you all take your shoes off before stepping up!’ Sander reminded them all.

The porch had a small pebbled area right at the entrance as a space to take off shoes and rest umbrellas, which was surrounded by wooden steps that became the floor to the rest of the house.

‘Dude seriously?’ Jens asked. Sander nodded as he unlaced his own boots, sitting on the step.

‘Yeah that’s a pretty big thing here. No shoes in the house,’

‘But what about-?’ Jens began to ask another question before he was cut off.

‘Just take your shoes off man, not a big deal - just their culture,’ Moyo said. ‘It’s summer anyway. Your feet won’t get cold.’

That comment seemed to convince everyone.

5 minutes later, shoes were removed and lined up neatly at the porch, the lights were switched on and the door finally closed.

‘Hey Sander, didn’t you say Serena sent you a floor plan of the place?’ Luca asked. He nodded, pulling out his phone.

‘Yep!’ He walked over to the first door, pushing the latch down to push it open.

‘This is the piano room. There’s a piano there apparently…’ he said then moved down the corridor next to the room. On the side of the room was an orange stone wall, but on the other side were 6 sliding translucent glass and wooden doors. He reached over to pull one aside.

‘This is the living room,’ he said, pulling some more open so that people could see. ‘TV, table, windows.’

Walking further down, there were a further 5 sliding doors that were now made from a linen material, and 6 of them opposite, next to the wall.

‘Er these 6 are 2 bedrooms. One of them has the double bed.’

Nobody even needed to turn their heads to know that Amber and Aaron would be nudging each other or squeezing and arm in response to that. 

‘Those three,’ he said, pointing to the 3 on the furthest end, ‘are the prayer meditation room thing and the only off limits spot.’

They moved down to the end of the corridor which split into another wider corridor. Sander turned to face the group.

‘Er there’s a phone behind me with the wifi password. Two more bedrooms and the garage that way,’ he pointed to his right, ‘and the kitchen, bathroom, and toilet that way. And the last bedroom’s up the stairs there,’ he pointed to his left.

‘Alright!’ Amber clapped her hands. ‘Thank you Sander and thanks to Serena as well. I think we should pick rooms and get settled in tonight then hit the ground running tomorrow!’ she concluded. Everyone seemed to be in agreement.

‘Is that a room there?’ Zoe asked, pointing through the glass door that looked out into a small rock garden and at a window with a paper shutter. Sander nodded. 

‘Bagsie that one!’ Jana called.

‘We can take the other one on that side right?’ Yasmina said to Luca and the girl nodded.

‘That one’s up the stairs above the garage but there’s actual beds there,’ Sander quickly explained.

‘I suppose we’ll take the one without the double bed here huh?’ Jens patted Moyo on the arm.

‘By default I suppose,’ Moyo sighed, rolling his eyes in a satirical manner before opening the linen doors to find the right one. The girls too squeezed passed and headed to their chosen rooms, leaving Robbe and Sander, standing in the hallway alone.

‘That means we get upstairs I guess!’ Sander said, leading the way towards a wooden staircase in the corner.

The two managed to make their way up the steep steps, Robbe going first and Sander pushing up the suitcases after him. Once they’d gotten both their bags up, they were met with yet another small corridor with paper shutter doors. Sander took the honours of opening them.

‘Are we telling the others that we definitely got the largest room?’ Robbe asked, grinning at his friend. Sander shook his head.

‘What they don’t know, can’t hurt!’

05/07/20 Maandag 08:21

It was a gentle breeze and the sound of quiet footsteps that woke him up. When Robbe opened his eyes, he found himself on one of the futons he and Sander had managed to set up moments before crashing onto their respective beds into a deep sleep. Being so close to the floor certainly shocked him, causing him to roll onto his back and rub his eyes open.

‘I didn’t wake you did I?’ a soft melodic voice sailed through the air. It was his favourite voice to hear. It wasn’t often that he got to hear it first thing in the morning but god did he want to hear it more. He tried to shake his head in response before getting his throat to work.

‘No, you’re good,’ he spoke quietly but it was quiet enough in the room to be heard. The room, or rather “room” they’d been defaulted with was made up of 3 compartments. Through the paper sliding doors was the first section with a TV, some floor chairs and a chest of drawers, the second being the one beyond that behind some linen sliding doors, not too dissimilar to the ones downstairs, where the two had set up their beds, and the 3rd being a longer one to the side, containing cupboards with various sheets and bedding, as well as two wardrobes.

One of the doors for their “actual” room had been slid open, letting morning light and breeze through an open window. And that was where Sander appeared, wearing a large Bowie shirt and boxers as pyjamas. He lent against the door frame, crossing his arms and smiling.

‘Morning cutie,’

Robbe’s heart fluttered at the pet name he’d been called. It wasn't the first time, nor was it unusual, but for a second, he felt as if he were living a dream.

‘Sleep well?’

He nodded with a lazy smile.

‘Serena said to have the full Japanese experience, we should have rice for breakfast and sent me instructions on how to use the rice cooker. Do you want to help?’

Robbe nodded once more. He would’ve agreed to anything his friend asked given his crushing state of mind. Sander chuckled.

‘You have to get up to do that you know?’

The smile grew wider as Robbe allowed himself to gaze upon his best friend a moment more before sitting up and rolling out of the covers. 

The two did their best to make their way down the steep, creaky steps quietly and entered the kitchen. Sander set about locating the sack of rice and various pieces of kitchen equipment to prepare the rice. 

‘What can I do to help?’ Robbe asked, placing his phone on the kitchen table.

‘Erm… Can you fill this with rice?’ he asked, handing over a metal container and then pointing at the white sack.

08:36

10 minutes later, the two were sat opposite each other, either side of the breakfast table with the rice cooking away at the side.

‘Didn’t Amber say she wanted to hit the ground running today?’ Robbe joked, nodding towards the time displayed on a phone that was between them. Sander shrugged and they fell into a short comfortable silence.

‘So that was your first time on a plane?’

Robbe rolled his eyes but nodded.

‘We’ve driven to France and Germany before… And the Netherlands but never overseas… My dad would say something about it being cheaper but I think Mama’s meds had something to do with it... I don’t know, I never really asked,’ he explained. Sander nodded.

‘I mean the meds bit can be a nightmare. It took me like 2 hours with Serena to figure out if I can bring my stuff over,’

‘A mix then probably,’

‘Mm…’

‘You’ve been on a plane then?’ Robbe asked. Sander nodded.

‘Yeah we went to Canada like 3 years ago? Laura did her bachelors in Montreal so we went to see graduation,’

‘Bet she wished she stayed huh?'

He shrugged.

‘I mean she met her fiance during her masters in Paris so I don’t thinks she minds,’

‘Mm,’ Robbe hummed. ‘Thanks by the way,’

Sander furrowed his eyebrows.

‘For the flight,’

He waved his hand in front.

‘It’s nothing. You’ve done more for me,’ he said. ‘It’s the least I could do.’

Robbe smiled a little. He knew what he was referring to. All the times he would stick by his side during an episode. Whether that meant staying longer, or coming over, or holding a hand or standing 2 metres away. The most recent episode had been a manic one. The artist had called him at 1am but Robbe could barely make sense of his words he was speaking so fast. After about 15 minutes, he managed to understand that Sander was in a spending mood and he’d tried his best to steer his friend to either waiting until the morning, or towards cheaper sites and items. It didn’t always work but this particular time it had.

‘Thank you anyway.’

It’s not as if Robbe did this and expected something in return - of course not. He did because Sander was his friend and he would help his friends no matter what.

And when he thought the word “friend”, he tried to ignore the stab in his heart. Or at least not let it leak into his expression. The past 24 hours had been a dream, despite his initial panic over the plane. Being wrapped up in his crush’s arms for a solid 11 hours and then sharing a room with him? He hadn’t even ever felt this way. Not about Jens, not about Ottilio, not ever. This was his best friend - his closest friend. He’d shared things with Sander he hadn’t told anyone, not even Jens, and he valued that element of their friendship so much. He didn’t want to lose it. And making a move could risk that. So this had to become the one thing about him that Sander didn’t know.

11:17

The group stood outside a hypermarket, allowing Amber to take the helm.

‘Okay guys! We need some food for the week! I have a list here so I think we should tackle that first, then lunch?’ she suggested, holding up a piece of paper with her list. 

‘We’re still on track for the Sky Circus right?’ Moyo asked.

‘Yep! There’s a few takeout places here if we run late but we should have enough time to get back and put things away before going back out,’ she confirmed.

Sander held his hand out, in a weak attempt to reach for the list.

‘You want those words translated?’ he offered.

‘I’m sure we’ll be alright, I don’t think apples will look much different over here,’ she said, batting his hand away, clearly uncomfortable with letting the reins go.

‘I do have a list of common food words in all the alphabets - sure you don’t need that?’

‘Wait,  _ all _ the alphabets? How many do they have?’ Jens asked.

‘3. I can just about read one of them,’ Sander replied.

‘Amber, maybe it’s best if we let Sander handle all the packaged things that need more reading and we can do the fresh things like apples and potatoes,’ Zoe suggested.

So they ended up doing just that. Amber begrudgingly let Sander write some basic translations onto her list, as well as taking a picture so that he had a copy too, although it was unlikely that he’d stick to it, and they split up - boys and girls.

Sander grabbed a trolley and set about towards the aisles with packaged goods. 

‘What do we need then?’ Aaron asked as they headed past the fruit and veggie section. Sander showed him the list on his phone.

‘Something along those lines.’

Their first stop was the dairy aisle, picking up a block of cheese as well as a pack of sliced cheese - as recommended by Serena - which proved to be fairly simple. Next was the milk.

‘Who wants soya milk?’ Jens asked, scrunching his face at Sander’s phone. 

‘Zoe maybe? I think she’s vegetarian or something… Or trying to be at least,’ Robbe replied.

‘Do you know if she likes it sweet or not?’

‘I don’t know? Maybe get the not sweet one and she can add sugar if she wants it sweeter,’ he suggested.

‘Alright,’ and Sander picked a carton with a blue label.

‘What’s sweet in Japanese?’ Aaron asked as they walked away from the aisle.

‘Amai,’ he responded instantly.

‘What?’

‘Amai. That’s sweet taste in Japanese. Amai,’

The concept of a shared word between their languages was not lost on the boys.

‘So can I say that to Amber?’

Sander shook his head.

‘No I think if you say it to a person, it’s bad,’

‘What can I say then?’

‘Er… Maybe suteki? That means lovely or beautiful,’ he suggested.

‘Languages are weird man,’ Moyo commented before moving the conversation on. ‘What next?’

‘Bread, I think?’

The whole group never made it to the bread aisle as 3 of the Broerrrs were distracted by the snacks aisle. With a plan to collect items for a “Belgians Try Japanese Snacks” vlog, and a few characters written down by Sander, the trio split off, whilst Robbe stayed with Sander with little argument from the boys, much to their surprise.

‘What’s next?’ the younger one asked as they wandered down the centre aisle. 

‘Still bread,’ Sander replied with a chuckle.

‘Okay.’

They walked in a comfortable silence until they found some shelves on the end of one aisle with loaves of bread stacked up on it.

‘How many do we need? We’re 10 and if half of us have two slices in the morning…’ Sander trailed off, trying to do the maths.

‘We could always come back? Amber’s probably found some brunch place to try as well so…’ he said, picking up 2 loaves of brown bread. Sander made a face.

‘It’s meant to be healthier no? I know Zoe likes spelt bread but I don’t see anything that looks like that and Amber will go off if we only get white,’ Robbe explained at his friend’s obvious disdain of brown bread. 

‘Fine!’ Sander sighed and the two settled on two loaves of both brown and white bread. 

‘If you’d actually come to that beach trip with Britt, you would’ve seen it,’ Robbe commented as they pushed the cart away.

‘Mm and you would’ve seen so much awkward tension between me and Britt,’

Robbe furrowed his eyebrows.

‘I mean that was a week before I broke up with Noor so I don’t know if I would’ve noticed,’ he joked.

Final thing on the list, or rather on Sander’s list and not Amber’s, was some seasoning for rice.

‘What’s it called again?’ Robbe asked Sander for the 3rd time, not understanding how to pronounce the term. Sander rolled his eyes and smirked.

‘Fu-ri-ka-ke. The “fu” is more like you’re blowing air than like the fu in kung-fu,’ he explained.

‘Furikake,’ Robbe tried and his attempt was met with applause.

‘Serena would be proud!’

This was referencing the first time the 3 of them had met up to talk about the Japan trip. She’d tried to teach them some basic words and corrected their pronunciation, the result of that afternoon being that Sander proved to be more adept at languages than his younger friend and subsequently a few more language lessons ensued.

With not too much difficulty, the two were able to find the furikake and meet back up with the others before paying. They then made their way to a map of the place to decide on where to eat.

‘Any preferences?’

‘Didn’t Serena rave about Mos Burger like every time we met up with her?’ Robbe asked Sander.

‘Yeah that’s meant to be a good place. Burgers and chips,’ he replied.

‘Sounds good to me!’

‘Yep!’

14:37

Lunch at Mos Burger had been just what they needed - quick and living up to Serena's words. And now they'd dropped off the groceries and were in Ikebukuro. As soon as they left the station, it'd started to rain so emergency umbrellas were purchased. Robbe became Sander's personal umbrella holder whilst the artist put his camera to work, "accidentally" catching his umbrella holder in the shot every now and again. They made their way to Sunshine City, which was a building complex that included Sunshine 60, a 60 storey skyscraper with a shopping mall and various attractions, including the Sky Circus that Moyo so desperately wanted to see. 

Shopping was done, pictures were taken, snacks were eaten as the group spent the rest of the day exploring Sunshine City and a little bit of Ikebukuro. They returned late that evening, thoroughly exhausted from their first full day in the country.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few notes on Japan:  
> -The house and hypermarket described does exist but not anywhere near Tokyo so geographically, that may be incorrect. I've obviously changed the location for privacy reasons.  
> -Loaves of bread in Japan are usually quite small so I don't think Sander and Robbe picking up 4 loaves to share between 10 of them for 7 days is overkill.  
> -I'm aware that the amai/sweet thing is more of an English thing and doesn't 100% translate to Flemish buuut this is fiction so let's just pretend it does.  
> -Mos Burger IS the best fast food place in the world I will not accept any arguments.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Follow me on Twitter for updates:
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	13. Right?

06/07/21 Dinsdag 08:31

It was almost like a repeat of the morning before. Sander had been the first one to wake up. He opened the doors and cracked a window open, which then, although he’d never admit it, woke Robbe up - not that he was complaining. And the two trooped downstairs to make the rice. On this day, they’d decided to switch roles. So Sander was the one to fill up the pot with rice as he instructed his friend on how to do the rest of it. 

They’d finished the process and were now simply waiting for the rice to be done, sat in the same positions as the morning before, chins rested on hands, elbows rested on the table.

‘You enjoying the trip so far?’ Robbe asked and was met with a shrug. 

‘I am. Ikebukuro yesterday was cool but I don’t know… Maybe I’m just tired?’

Robbe let his arms fall onto the table in a meek attempt to reach out and comfort his friend.

‘Hey, that’s okay. We can take it easy. I think Zoe’s getting the hang of the basics now and Jens is getting better so they can take care of everyone else,’ he said. A shy but smug smirk appeared.

‘And what about you?’

‘Hey! At least I’ve tried - and you know that. Besides, my mama told me to stick with you anyway so it’s not as if either of us have a choice,’ he explained. But even if he did, he would always choose Sander - is what he subconsciously thought.

He laughed.

‘She what?’

‘She told me to stick with you because you know a bit of the language,’

‘Ah well, we’d better not argue with Mama IJzermans now!’

The two collapsed into quiet laughter, reminiscing over the various times when Robbe’s mum had met Sander’s parents, or one of the teachers present at another art expo at the Academy. Robbe would have to physically drag her away to stop her debating with said folk and wonder why he even invited her. 

One by one, they looked back up at each other and the air shifted slightly. Something about it reminded Robbe of the time they’d sat and simply stared at each other for a few minutes at Vas’ milkshake bar and he felt an inexplicable need to touch his friend. His arm twitched but he managed to hold back. But luckily, and much to his surprise, his body needn’t have to be touch deprived. Underneath the table, Sander’s barefoot took a swipe at Robbe’s own. If it had been one of his Broerrrs, he would’ve frowned and vigorously kicked back. But this was Sander.  _ Sander _ . Frowns aimed at Sander were rare. 

He instead smiled, cherishing the touch and playfully nudged his feet back. This became some sort of fight between their feet and legs for no prize in particular, sharing shy smiles and glances. He didn’t know what this was or what it meant, but all he knew was that his heart was fluttering like it had never fluttered before.

The footsie game didn’t last longer than 5 minutes but it was enough to have his heart beat twice as fast than normal. The rest of the time while waiting for the rice to cook, was spent simply looking at each other, occasionally making a small comment. If fate had meant them to, one of them would reach out a bit further and hands would intertwine. The touch would uncover the friendship guise they wore and help them realise their true feelings. 

Alas fate wanted them to wait a little longer. So they simply enjoyed each other’s presence. And it was bliss.

11:25

Robbe stood with his friends by the map outside Harajuku Station, directly opposite Takeshita Street - a.k.a. the heart of kawaii culture. Amber was, as predicted, very excited, but what surprised the group was that her excitement was met with Luca’s. 

‘Are you kidding me? This is the place they have that rainbow massive candyfloss I keep seeing on Facebook! And there’s a pun shop as well!’ she exclaimed when her excitement was questioned.

‘A pun shop?’ 

‘Yeah, the 390 yen shop where everything’s 390 yen. But if you say 3 and 9 in Japanese, it’s “san kyu”. So it’s also called the “Thank You” shop,’

Needless to say the pun was met with eye rolls or sighs of “anyway…”.

‘Wait, there’s an art museum,’ Sander said, pointing at a spot on the map. ‘I should probably check that out,’

‘Should? No one’s forcing you dude,’ Jens chuckled but Sander shook his head.

‘No I took a Global Art class this semester. My professor said I should keep topping up on art, especially abroad,’ he explained.

‘Well we’ve got a booking at the Monster Cafe at 1:30 and I think it’s at the end of this street so maybe we can make our way down it, then go shopping after! And you can go to the art museum!’ Amber suggested.

‘Does it really take 2 hours to walk down a street?’ Moyo asked, dubiously. And for probably the first time ever, Amber and Sander nodded their heads in agreement.

‘Sander’s friend was saying it takes time,’ she replied.

‘I mean look at it. It’s not a 20 minute thing unless you power walk,’ Sander had nodded his head towards the street which wasn’t short by any means, and was certainly packed with people.

Once everyone was happy with the plan they set off. And Robbe found it a lot more enjoyable than he’d anticipated. He’d never given any sort of interest to the kawaii culture that Harajuku’s so well known for, but seeing all the bright colours and bizarre costumes almost made him wish he was into it. Almost.

The journey down the street involved a lot of waiting outside of very pink and colourful shops for the girls, which he didn’t mind as he’d often be waiting with the Broerrrs. He got his phone out and began vlogging bits of their venture to add to the bigger vlog of Japan that had already been filmed. The vlogging wasn’t something they did too often, particularly during the exams season, but it was something he enjoyed doing. Jens took the lead when he pointed the camera at his friends and the others would often try to drag Sander into shot - try being the keyword as the artist very much wanted to stay behind the camera. 

13:17

By the time the group got to the end of the street, Robbe’s cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much.

‘I enjoyed that more than I thought I would,’ Aaron admitted with his arm around his girlfriend. The happiest grin appeared on her face as she leant her head on his shoulder. It was that point that Robbe truly felt bad for having made fun of her bossy ways and uptight-ness throughout the trip. She had only wanted to organise a fun trip for everyone and seeing how happy Aaron’s comment made her made his stomach churn. It was a mixture of feelings. Guilt was certainly one of them but perhaps also jealousy? Not of either of the two of course, but more for what they’d found. For having found something Robbe had been searching for, for so long. Something he knew he so wanted to share with-

‘We’re a bit early but I reckon we can head to the cafe now?’ she suggested, snapping him out of his thoughts. There were no objections so they all headed down the street, following Amber. 

07/07/21 Woensdag 14:28

Robbe filming the boys in Harajuku and at the insanity called the Kawaii Monster Cafe had inspired them to try find another cool location. They’d tried to google some places but eventually decided on asking Serena, who’d arranged to video call them anyway. She ended up suggesting a local park called “Chuo Koen”, literally translated as Central Park. The park had a large open green space on a gentle hill. There was a path that ran up the side, complemented by trees that supposedly turned pink during the spring. The path led through a flurry of trees to a slightly smaller park with a variety of climbing structures and slides. In the furthest corner were 3 large mushrooms with holes to be able to climb in and out of. Up a small hill behind it was a large lady bird with holes in a similar style to the mushrooms, however a slide was also placed in the middle of the plastic structure. Then the main attraction of the park was the large castle in front of them on top of a hill with a slide coming out of the middle, and tunnels around the side to get into castle.

‘This is what I’m talking about!’ Moyo exclaimed as they walked closer. ‘Sander, buy Serena a drink for me!’

The quintet had wanted to start with the smaller climbing frames, but considering they were currently being held captive by more young children than they could count, they opted to start with the biggest. Robbe fished out his phone tripod from his bag and began filming the boys on his phone.

‘Broers! Where are we?’ he asked them, prompting them to give some context for the footage.

‘We are in Chuo Koen - a really cool looking park in Tokyo,’ Jens started out. ‘Seriously, look at this place.’ Robbe took this as his cue to film other things, starting out from filming the pieces furthest away and slowly panning towards the castle, being sure to bend down to get a lower angle of the castle to make it look more majestic. And he could feel Sander smirking at his actions. 

His increased interest in filming and photography had so clearly been influenced by his friend - everyone knew it and he didn’t deny it. Sander often made fun of him for it to which all he could do was roll his eyes.

‘Let’s go explore the castle!’ Jens told the camera.

‘Because there’s so many kids on the other things,’ Aaron added. 

The boys headed into the castle through the tunnel to the right of the slide and had a lot of fun using the echoey acoustics of the tunnel. They arrived at a cross section when an idea sprung up.

A game of tig.

Was it dumb? Yeah. Was it childish? Sure. Was it what they spent an hour doing? Absolutely.

15:26

It wasn't just the castle that they used. They eventually explored the ladybird when they found an empty 5 minutes - before it was promptly taken over by little kids again. A game was then set up in which the boys would split into two teams of two, and the first team caught by whoever was “it” would lose. Various combinations had been tried out and in their final game Aaron and Moyo had teamed, against Sander and Robbe, leaving Jens to be the one to catch them. 

Despite wanting to be the cameraman for the vlogs, the boys - including Sander - convinced Robbe to use his climbing abilities to find shortcuts. This is how he found himself guiding Sander over a wall that he'd already successfully jumped over and into a narrow corridor, after having caught a glimpse of Jens.

‘Robbe, let’s just go the other way!’ he insisted.

‘No I think we can do this,’ Robbe said before jumping up onto the wall and disappeared over the other side. 

‘Come on! Before he catches up!’ Robbe called through the wall. ‘Just do a run up and go for it.’

Soon enough he heard fast approaching footsteps and half of Sander appeared as he clambered up the wall. He grasped the offered hand from Robbe and jumped down, accidentally losing his balance and squishing his friend against the wall. It was sudden, but how close his best friend/crush was to him, how he’d used his shoulders as an anchor, how his hand was still on his arm, did not go unnoticed. Part of him desperately wanted to hold him closer for a moment but the more reasonable part of him knew that would surely be a dumb idea. Right?

Sander quickly got around to pushing himself off from squishing Robbe against the wall but before he fully stepped away, he stopped. 

Honestly, it was like the world had stopped spinning for a moment. The gaze, the expression on the older boy’s face made Robbe’s already fluttery heart flap like crazy, more so than usual, and his stomach began a tumbling routine. The expression was new - his eyes were soft with his brown hair towering above thanks to the wind. He could’ve been mistaken, but Robbe could swear that his friend’s pupils were dilated too - he hadn’t stared at specific features of his crush’s eyes over the time they’d been friends so he couldn’t be certain, but he hoped so. The air was different and he couldn’t help it - he really couldn’t help but quickly glance down from his friend’s eyes to his slightly parted lips and back up again. It was a familiar feeling, but never had he felt it so strongly, so intensely. God did he want to kiss those lips. Just a touch. To know what they’d feel like.

That was a lie, obviously. Robbe knew full well if he started kissing Sander he probably wouldn’t be able to stop. It would be a dumb idea. Besides, Sander isn’t even into him - right?

Right?

And that’s when Sander’s gaze, which’d been pouring into his eyes for the past minute, moved very obviously down to his lips. This wasn’t happening. Right? It had to be a dream?

The gust of wind that he felt run through the small space between them told him it was not. So was this really real? Was this really going to happen? Robbe’s fingers felt so tingly, he was worried they would go numb. Or he would be at least if he had the ability to think about anything else other than Sander gazing at his lips. 

Their eyes met once more, as if asking for permission. Robbe tried to nod, he really did. Physically he wasn’t able to move anything but his expression must’ve been enough because slowly and surely he got closer and closer. Their foreheads touched and Robbe’s eyes fluttered shut, taking in the moment, the  _ feeling  _ of Sander’s forehead on his own. It was magical. Their noses nuzzled each other and he felt a small smile as the hands that were on his shoulders began to slowly move further over. His insides were screaming and freaking out, and also at peace and so calm at the same time.

Slowly and eventually and finally, lips brushed and-

‘Aaaaahhhhhh!!!’

The moment was broken by a small kid running down the corridor, forcing the two apart. The look Sander gave Robbe as the child passed made him think that perhaps when the child was gone, they’d get back to what they were about to do. Shy smirks appeared but before they could do anything,

‘There you are!’ Jens called, walking up to them and tapping them both on the shoulder. There was a moment of awkward silence when neither of the pair replied, and instead attempting to recover from what almost happened.

‘Is everything okay?’ Jens asked with furrowed brows. Robbe was the first to piece himself back together and act normal.

‘Yeah, yeah fine,’

‘Good. Because Amber’s called saying that they’ve found another cool bit of the park!’

19:18

Everyone had spent an extra hour at the park before getting the bus back to the house as the girls had found what was called a “fairytale park”, in which there were various sculptures themed around Japanese fairy tales so obviously pictures and vlog footage had to be taken there.    
Once back at the house, everyone split off into smaller groups after deciding on having dinner at a local Yakitori restaurant. Jana and Luca went to try figure out the TV, Amber and Aaron disappeared into their room, Zoe and Yasmina opted to sit in the piano room with some tea, and the rest of the boys were in the kitchen sat around the table, going through the footage they’d taken that day.

‘All I’m saying is that I think we should wait until we get back before we edit it together so I know all the footage we have. We’re not doing daily vlogs so it needs to flow smoothly,’ Robbe explained to Jens, who was trying to convince the younger boy to start editing the vlog in that moment.

‘We need to keep our views up though!’

‘Jens, we need to have consistent content for that - last time we uploaded was 3 months ago. Let’s just do this for fun you know?’

He finally let it go and watched over Robbe’s shoulder as he went through and labelled all the clips.

Time passed and they eventually found themselves outside of the restaurant, after having walked there. Zoe took charge of the group this time, communicating with the host about their booking and they were led into the main space. There were chairs and tables placed at the sides and in the corners of the room but in the centre was the main attraction - a thrust bar with stools all around. They were led to the bar and took seats around one of the corners before being handed a few menus to share. After about 5 minutes of Zoe and Sander attempting to communicate with the chef, they eventually discovered that they shared a mutual second language of English. 

Once everyone understood the system of the restaurant, the chef turned to tend to other customers, allowing everyone to have a thorough look at the menu. Which was when Robbe’s phone rang.

Glancing down at the caller ID, he rolled his eyes. Out of all people to be calling him, this was the last person he wanted to and expected to call. He hadn’t called since the start of exams for an awkward “good luck” conversation that didn’t end with a “talk soon”. And this led Robbe to believe that perhaps there was a reason and that he should probably answer it.

‘Sorry, I’ll just get this,’ he told Sander, who he was obviously seated next to, and walked out of the restaurant for some privacy before answering.

'Yeah?'

'So you’re alive huh?’ the familiar gruff and annoyed voice rang through the speaker of his phone.

‘What?’

‘Where are you?’

Robbe considered simply saying the park or at Jens’, but something told him perhaps it’d be best to tell him about his trip.

‘Er, in Japan,’

‘ _ Japan!? _ ’

The expected reaction, of course.

‘Yeah, I’m on holiday with my friends,’

‘And your mama knows this?’

‘Yeah, we’ve been planning it for a few months. And we facetimed yesterday,’

There was a sigh of relief on the other end.

‘Why, what’s going on?’

‘No she just called say that you’ve gone missing and that she’s about to file a police report,’

Robbe’s stomach clenched and churned. He should’ve checked up on her more yesterday. He should’ve asked how she was instead of going on about his trip. He should’ve reminded her to take her medicine he should’ve-

‘So could you give her a call now so that she doesn’t do that?’

The tone his dad took angered him. As if that was the obvious thing to do and that instead of taking time to process the information, that his mother was mentally struggling, that he should’ve said his next course of action.

‘Yes. I’ll give her a text and call her when I get home,’ he said.

‘Good,’

A short awkward silence ensued. Robbe was about to abruptly end the call when his dad spoke once more.

‘And uh, how’s your holiday?’

He rolled his eyes. Randolff IJzermans wasn’t allowed to just try to suddenly make a caring comment like that.

‘Fine. I’ll call her now. Bye,’ he said and immediately hang up without letting his dad respond.

Taking a moment, he sighed. His stomach grumbled, having not had a lot for lunch in preparation for eating out. But his mama came first. She would always come first. So he sent her a quick message.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ Hey Mama - I’m on holiday with my friends, remember? I’ll call you in 20 minutes! _

He headed back in and grabbed his coat from the stool.

‘Everything okay?’ Sander asked.

‘Just something up with my mama - I’m going to go back to the house and call her,’ he explained, putting his coat on. Before Sander could say anything back, the others noticed him putting his coat on.

‘Woah Robbe, you good?’ Zoe asked. He shrugged.

‘I need to go call my mama so I’m heading back to the house. You can eat without me, I’ll use the spare key,’

She frowned.

‘What about dinner?’

‘It’s fine! We’ve got some bread left. And there’s a 7-11 next door so…’ he said, picking up his wallet that he’d placed on the table.

‘Alright well text us when you get back. I hope everything’s alright!’ she said. He nodded and without a look back, headed out like a man with a mission.

21:52

For once his dad had been right to panic. When Robbe called his mum, she looked as if she’d been running in a forest for hours on end. Her hair was messy, her eyes bloodshot, and the fact that she cried when he came on screen.

He spent around half an hour trying to convince her that he wasn’t missing, and that he was safe and spent the rest of the time simply keeping her company. He barely heard the front door opening and his friends piling into the house. He didn’t even hear the creaky steps as his roommate crawled up. It was only when the door slid open that he realised how long he’d been chatting. He looked over his laptop and gave a quick smile of recognition and looked back at his screen.

‘Robbe,’ Sander whispered, not wanting to disturb the call. Robbe looked up again.

‘Have you eaten yet?’ 

He shook his head.

‘I’ll be back!’

Without giving time for any protest, Sander disappeared back down the stairs again. Robbe remained confused as to what his friend’s plan was but reverted his gaze back to his mum.

‘Who was that?’ she asked.

‘Sander,’

‘Oh. And what did he want?’

‘Uhm…’ Robbe thought quickly, not wanting to let his mum know that he’d skipped dinner to talk to her. He knew that that would make her worry. ‘Just telling me he was going to shower,’ 

He felt bad lying to his mum, but if it stopped her from worrying, then it was worth it.

‘Okay. And have you two…?’ she trailed off.

‘What?’

‘You know?’

‘No?’

‘I just… I always thought you two would get together at some point,’

Was his crush that obvious?

‘No no, we’re just friends,’ he said and the pang he felt on the word “friends” hurt even more as his mind flashed back to earlier in the day when he was so sure they were about to kiss.

‘Okay. I just always thought that boy had a small crush on you…’

That peaked his interest.

‘What?’ 

He really wanted to know more now, but couldn’t seem too interested.

‘I don’t know… Call it mother’s instinct - something had me convinced… And not my brain this time,’ she joked. Robbe smiled sadly. An expression she returned.

‘I’m sorry for disturbing you. You shouldn’t have to worry about your mother while on holiday. It was my fault, I thought I was doing fine and could skips some days but-,’

‘You skipped some days?’

The guilty expression that washed over her face instantly made him feel bad for asking, so he quickly scrambled for an uplifting comment.

‘Well at least you didn’t call the police this time. And you can start your medicine again today, or tomorrow - I don’t know what time it is over there,’ he tried. She smiled and nodded.

They spent another 10 minutes on the call, constantly attempting to hang up but never quite doing so. It wasn’t until Sander snuck back in and out of the room again that they finally ended the call.

Robbe had been sat against a wall, facing the TV with the door on his right, and leaned his head back. He finally let all the adrenaline and emotions he’d been hiding for the past 3 hours hit. Just for a short release until Sander came back. He loved his mama, he really did - and not  _ despite _ her illness, he loved her  _ with _ her illness. But with everything that’d happened that day, with almost kissing Sander, his dad calling and blaming his mama’s episode on him, and his mama, he was now thoroughly exhausted. He was tempted to fall asleep against the wall with the laptop still in his lap but he knew better. Instead, he grabbed his phone and aimlessly scrolled through various social medias, trying to allow his brain to rest.

He’d been watching some instagram stories when he heard the stairs creak and moments later, Sander appeared through the door armed with a plate of food and a bag. He crossed the room in two steps and sat down next to his friend.

‘Hey,’ he said, placing the plate and bag in front of them. ‘Thought you might be hungry so got some leftovers boxed up. Also I went to 7-11,’

Robbe smiled and in that moment, he wanted nothing more than to just hug his friend and be held like in the plane. But despite being tired, he still had some control over his actions. And his stomach was grumbling.

‘Thank you,’ he whispered, not trusting his voice.

‘Is your mama okay?’ Sander asked. Robbe nodded as an automatic response and opened his mouth to explain further. It took awhile for the words to come to him, during which his friend was patient and simply looking at him intently. About a minute passed and Robbe realised he wasn’t quite ready to word or talk about what’d happened and simply shrugged, leaning his head back against the wall, closing his eyes for a quick moment. When he opened them, he simply gazed at Sander, who’s expression instantly changed. It was almost as if-

Before Robbe could put his finger on the way Sander had been looking at him, his friend reached over to the plate, taking one of the kebab sticks and placing it towards Robbe. Gratefully, Robbe smiled and moved his hand to take the end of the stick but Sander refused, moving the kebab more in the direction of Robbe’s mouth. An eye roll and a grin later, he opened his mouth, allowing him to feed him the stick. Once his mouth was closed around the food, they stopped. The smile on Sander’s face softened and Robbe’s gaze intensified, as if they both somehow understood how intimate the gesture was. Perhaps it was simply the emotional state of his brain at this point, but it was in that moment that Robbe felt a sudden rush of gratitude for his friend for the kind gesture. Sander pulled the stick away and handed him the holding end of it and the sparks as their fingers touched certainly did not go unnoticed.

‘That one’s chicken. There’s another there. Then they’re veggie ones,’ he pointed to a colourfully stacked stick, ‘and that’s potato,’ he pointed to one that looked like a breaded corn dog. ‘And I got a sandwich and some snacks from 7-11 in case you didn’t like that.’

If it was possible for Robbe’s crush on his best friend to get any deeper, it happened. And he tried his hardest to control his smile.

‘Thank you. You didn’t have to,’

Sander shrugged.

‘You would’ve done the same for me. You  _ have _ done. It’s the least I could do.’

The two decided to grab some more pillows and blankets to raise their current pillows so that they could shuffle their futons together and rest Robbe’s laptop in between them with the snacks either side. Before settling in, Robbe announced that he was going to change into nightwear.

‘I feel like I’ll probably fall asleep so…’

About 5 minutes later, they were finally tucked into their conjoined futon, thinking of film ideas.

‘Are we thinking… Marvel? Or… Bowie? Or… a chick flick?’ Sander began reeling off suggestions. Robbe gasped at the first film that came to his head.

‘Oh, can we watch Call Me By Your Name?’

Sander scoffed.

‘So it’s a gay film you’re after? There’s way better than Call Me By Your Name,’

‘Like?’

‘There’s… Centre Of My World, and North Sea Texas, and God’s Own Country, and… There’s a weird lesbian one called D.E.B.S…’

Robbe laughed

‘A weird lesbian one?’

‘Yeah, like it’s crappy quality and they’re all spies but it’s also kind of cool,’

‘You’re really selling it…’ he nodded sarcastically. ‘What’s wrong with Call Me By Your Name?’

‘I don’t know… Don’t you feel uncomfortable with the age gap? Like Oliver’s 7 years older than Elio. Elio’s literally the same age as you. Like… Imagine you now dating Laura, or her fiance,’

He gave himself a moment to see it. And the more he thought about it, the more he realised that his friend was right.

‘That  _ is _ creepy. I guess I never thought about it like that…’

‘Because Timothee Chalamet’s hot?’

Robbe blushed, hitting Sander in the stomach.

‘He is!’ he insisted. Sander shrugged.

‘Let’s do God’s Own Country. I know a place that does Dutch subtitles,’ Sander decided, taking the laptop into his own lap to find the film. Once he did, he shuffled over so that the laptop rested on both their legs. He pressed play and exited out of all the pop up adverts before the opening music began.

And Robbe had a feeling. He wanted to do something - but did he dare? Was it too much? After all, they’d not only almost kissed that day, but something about eating leftover Yakitori earlier felt much more intimate than anything they’d done before. And what he wanted to do wasn’t exactly new for them - they’d been even closer on the plane.

So with that reasoning, he tentatively leant his head on his friend’s shoulder. The body he’d just leant on seemed to freeze long enough for him to start to panic and almost move back up. Almost. Just before he did so, he felt an arm reach around his back to pull him closer. With a faint smile, he allowed himself to snuggle a little closer and finally fully relax. The deeper he sunk into comfort, the lighter all his problems seemed to be and his brain finally began untangling. He would say that he was watching the film, but maybe halfway through the film was when his eyes finally fluttered shut and they wouldn’t open again until the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few more Japan notes:  
> -It's a lil trippy, but I do recommend the Kawaii Monster Cafe if anyone visits Japan in the future or even just to check it out online. It's insane.  
> -Chuo Koen is a real place that exists but not near Tokyo. But it is a really cool park that I'd be happy to give out the location of if people are interested - just give me a dm on here or Twitter!
> 
> Also lil trivia - North Sea Texas is a Flemish film and Nathan Naenan (Senne's actor) is in it as a younger version of one of the main characters! 
> 
> Comments and feedback always appreciated!  
> Follow me on Twitter for more updates:
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	14. Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We may be back into weekly updates??? I have the next 2 mostly written out so who knows?  
> Also, a mini Skam NL crossover no one asked for - you're welcome.  
> Enjoy! :)

08/07/21 Donderdag 08:36

It was an ache in his back that woke him up. But it wasn’t a sudden jolt awake, it was more of a lucid annoyance at the pain gradually bringing him back to the waking world. Before he opened his eyes, he realised that something was different. There was no gentle breeze, there was no light that he could feel on his face, and what's more, he was half upright and cuddled up to someone. And that last thing he realised was what brought a smile back to his face. He didn’t need to open his eyes to know who it was.

He reminisced over the previous evening’s events.

The call with his mum had been stressful. It made him glad that he’d decided to stay in Antwerp for university and grateful that he hadn’t applied to be in any student accommodation yet. He was anxious to leave his mum behind and didn’t want to add an unnecessary expense to them.

But afterwards… _Afterwards_ . It almost made the stress worth it - not that he’d choose to stress over his mum for any reward but if the call had counterbalanced his day into being average, the way the day ended pushed it back to being a very good day. It was the way his friend had brought home leftovers _and_ a backup. It was the look they shared when the older fed the younger. It was the intricate patterns Sander drew on his shoulder, the way he leaned his head on top, and the way he pressed a gentle kiss to his temple just before Robbe completely dropped off. Everything, _everything_ , just made his constantly fluttering heart hurt from how much and how quickly he was falling. 

Robbe wanted to repay his friend for everything he’d done last night, do something nice in return - not that it’d ever felt like it was done out of obligation, but that was the reasoning he gave himself open his eyes. He turned a little to see his friend, the street wise angel he’d fallen for, fast asleep next to him, with one arm around his shoulders. As much as he loved being so close and tangled up with someone he had a crush on, it did make it difficult to weave out of his arms to sneak downstairs. So he happily took his time, cherishing the feeling of Sander's arms around him.

First, edging the covers away so that there wouldn’t be much of a temperature change for the artist. Then he slowly and gently took the hand that was resting on his furthest shoulder and moved it so that it would be easier to sit up. Next was the legs. He moved them around gently to make sure they weren’t tangled up in Sander’s - they weren’t - and with that he sat up and crawled out of the nest of blankets they’d created. He quickly grabbed the socks he’d taken off last night so that his footsteps would be quieter and his phone, and padded out of the room as quiet as he could. 

The steps were the biggest obstacle which is why he had been sure to close the doors behind him to give ultimate sound protection. And once he finally got down into the kitchen, he set about making the rice, trying to recall what he and Sander had done the previous day.

08:50

It was the friend who still had bleach blonde hair who was the first to enter the kitchen after Robbe.

‘Oh! Didn’t think you’d be up yet…’ she said, sleepily walking over to the sink and pouring a glass of water.

He shrugged.

‘We’ve been getting up around half past the entire trip,’ he said.

‘ _We?_ ’ she asked, waggling her eyebrows.

‘Yeah, me and Sander,’ he replied, a little confused as to what she was trying to imply.

‘You and Sander huh?’ she sounded out slowly, leaving the boy still confused. She walked over to the fridge before speaking again.

‘You two a thing yet?’ 

Oh. That. 

Robbe almost rolled his eyes with the amount of people that’d asked him that over the past week. He sighed and shook his head, trying to seem as neutral as possible.

‘No, we’re just friends,’

‘Okay,’ she said, way too chirpily to be genuinely satisfied with that answer. She pulled out a lemon from the fridge and quickly grabbing a knife and a chopping board, she cut herself a slice before putting the lemon back and closing the fridge. She then brought her glass of water with the lemon slice in it to the table and sat opposite Robbe.

‘You want to be more than friends though, right?’ she asked after taking a sip of her water. Robbe chewed his lip. 

He knew the answer. Yes. He wanted to be more than friends with Sander, more than anything he could possibly think of. But was he ready to admit that out loud yet? Was he ready to confide in a friend? And Zoe of all people. Sure, they’d gotten along when they lived together, and certainly trusted her, but afterwards they hadn’t really talked too much. Was she the right person to tell first?

‘Robbe, this silence is kinda answering the question you know.’

He finally built up the courage to look her in the eyes.

‘Is it that obvious?’

She rolled her eyes.

‘How many times have you been asked if you’re together this week?’

He began to count in his head, knowing that it was proving her point but he wanted to genuinely see.

‘Erm… Like 5 times? Maybe 6?’

‘See? You two basically act like a couple just without the kissing and the actual being a couple part,’

He shrugged.

‘What’s stopping you then? You like him, he clearly likes you. You’re sharing a room for goodness sake - literally there’s-,’

There was a part of what she was saying that interested him more than the rest.

‘Wait, you think he likes me?’

Zoe made a face that said “are you kidding me?”.

‘He’s come on a trip halfway around the world with _your_ friends. He made sure that anything we leftover last night was salvageable so that _you_ could still join in. He always picks _you_ to drag around art museums, not any of us - he doesn’t even ask us. And I see the way you look at each other in the mornings,’

‘What?’

‘The curtain’s always open and I’m literally sleeping there,’ she said, pointing across the rock garden to her bedroom window and a bundle of blankets and sheets.

He brought his hands together to genuinely think about what she said. It was true. Sander didn’t have to do everything he did for him, but he did anyway. Did that seriously mean more than friendship? It can’t, right?

But then he recalled their time at the park the day before, when they fell asleep that evening - the _look_ on his friend’s face. Perhaps Robbe’s crush had been so big that it blinded him from seeing any genuine reaction.

‘What’s the worst that could happen if you try?’ Zoe asked, cutting into his thoughts. He had this one prepared.

‘I could lose my best friend?’

As much as he longed to be something more, Sander was still his closest, best friend, and he did not, in any circumstances, want to give that up or take it for granted.

‘But if it becomes so awkward that you can’t be friends anymore, is he really worth having as a friend in the first place?’

She was right. And he hated that she was right. It reminded him of one of his pet peeves of his old roommate, that she often told him truths that he didn’t want to hear, but definitely needed to.

‘Easier said than done though,’ he shrugged with a sad smile. But before Zoe could respond, the stairs from just outside the kitchen began to creak. Robbe was sat with his back towards the wall with the stairs so Zoe’s reaction was what led him to turn. 

A sleepy Sander trudged into the kitchen and sat next to him - like right next to him, not even an inch between them. Without even thinking or asking or even acknowledging that someone else was in the room, he leaned his head on Robbe’s shoulder as if it were second nature. Robbe dared a glance and Zoe, who was grinning ear to ear.

‘Well, I’ll leave you two,’ she said, grabbing her cup and excusing herself from the kitchen.

Once the door slid shut, Robbe leant back on top of Sander's head.

'Why are you up so early?' Sander asked quietly. Robbe smiled.

'I could ask you the same thing,' he chuckled. 'I made the rice. I wanted to just say thanks for yesterday.'

'What about yesterday?'

Robbe thought for a second. Was this a test? Was this a point he should tell him? Was this what Zoe meant?

'Everything,' he decided on.

'Everything?' the sleepy tone of the head on his shoulder asked. Robbe smiled, hoping that Sander had caught onto what he meant by everything.

'Everything.'

14:19

‘Okay, meet back here at… 16:15?’ Yasmina suggested after the group had left Ueno Zoo and made plans in smaller groups. As one might assume, Robbe and Sander were the "group" (it was just them obviously) going to the art museum.

‘Okay! See you!’

‘Bye!’

Various subgroups departed and just the prospect of being almost alone with Sander made Robbe grin more widely than he had done all day. 

Barely 3 minutes after walking away, he phone buzzed with no less than 4 text messages.

 **_Jens:_ ** _Now or never dude!_

 **_Moyo:_ ** _You know what alone time means?_

**_Aaron: 😏😘⏳_ **

**_Zoe:_ ** _If you don’t tell him by the end of the day, I will lock you in the house until you do._

He rolled his eyes at the text, but still amused.

‘You’re popular,’ Sander commented, in reference to the notification bells his friend’s phone had just gotten. Robbe shrugged, quickly finding a diversion from having to talk about the content of the texts.

‘We calling Noor then?’

‘I suppose.’

The two had made plans with their mutual friend to bring her along virtually to one of the galleries they’d decided to visit. Considering Sander was the one out of the two who was genuinely interested in the museum, Robbe volunteered to be the one to hold the phone and show their friend around. 

Once they’d paid for their admission, the two huddled together at the side as he dialled. Eventually his dark-haired ex appeared on the screen

‘Hey!’ he said into the screen, testing how well the connection was.

‘I hope this is worth it. It’s far too early over here,’ she grumbled.

‘What time is it there?’

‘Half 7,’

The two boys flinched at the early time.

‘Glad it’s not me,’ Sander joked.

‘Who is it?’ a voice called from the background of the call.

‘It’s Robbe and Sander,’ Noor replied to the voice. ‘They’re showing me around a museum,’

Once Noor turned back to the camera, Robbe raised his eyebrows at her, non-verbally shooting the same question back. A bashful smile appeared on her face and she reached her arm out to pull into frame another person. And not just any other person - it was the milkshake girl.

‘Hi!’ the other girl chirped. There was something about her, perhaps it was the fact that she was so chirpy at half 7 in the morning, perhaps it was the blonde hair, that reminded Robbe of Amber.

The two grinned back.

‘Hey! Engel was it?’ Sander asked. _Engel_. That was her name. The girl with straight, dark blonde hair, Engel, smiled and nodded. Out of the two of them, Robbe was the first to spot how close they were sat and tried to figure out a way to ask the obvious question without accidentally outing his friend.

‘So um… Everything going well?’ he asked, raising his eyebrows in the hopes that Noor would understand what he was really asking.

Judging by how she grinned first at the camera, and then to Engel, she understood. And then by wrapping an arm around her and pressing a kiss to the new girl’s cheek. Engel then tuned her face to allow their lips to meet, fully answering his question. Robbe couldn’t help but notice lingering gazes after they kissed and felt a pang of jealousy. Once again, not at either of the parties, but rather at the lack of that kind of relationship.

‘And you?’ Noor asked, looking back at her screen.

He nodded.

‘Yeah, it’s super cool over here! The weather’s really good, the food’s good - everything!’ he exclaimed.

‘Everything?’

Something about the question reminded him of the sleepy conversation he’d had with his physically present friend that morning so with all meaning he replied,

‘Everything.’

And suddenly he was just so aware of how close Sander was now. The man was right behind him, their bodies touching, his chin resting on his shoulder so that he was in shot of the camera. Robbe could tilt his head 90 degrees and their lips would meet - it could be so simple. It could be so easy to kiss him until their lips were red and raw - the desire burned his insides like fire. But he didn't. And luckily, he had a task at hand to distract him.

‘Shall we get going then?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note on Japan:  
> -Ueno Zoo's a real and pretty cool place - they have two giant pandas and it's pretty cheap to go in. There is also genuinely an art museum nearby!  
> Follow me on Twitter for more updates:
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	15. Join Us Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New pov! Also I'm sorry. If you're nice, I might upload the next part early lol.  
> Enjoy! :)

20:44

On the train ride back from Ueno, the group began debating over where to go for food that evening.

‘Oh, there’s a really cute place in I-ke-bukuro that’s themed around Alice in Wonderland. Imagine all the instagram pictures we could take there!’ Amber exclaimed, sounding out the name of the place. The girls seemed happy with that option but the boys certainly had more mixed views.Whilst Aaron obviously was willing to go anywhere for her, Jens and Moyo scrunched their noses at the concept, and Sander and Robbe were neutral, simply shrugging and happy to be dragged wherever so long as they were together.

‘Another instagram spot?’ Moyo sighed, rolling his eyes. 

‘What’s wrong with instagram?’ Amber asked. He shrugged.

‘Everywhere we’ve gone to eat is because it’s an instagram spot. Can’t we just go to a bar tonight?’ he suggested.

‘The drinking age’s 20 over here. Only Sander can legally drink,’ Yasmina explained. The mentioned man shrugged.

‘Serena said they’re pretty relaxed on checking IDs though. I can ask her if she knows of anywhere that doesn’t check?’ he offered. There was a mixture of “yeah”s and shrugs in response.

‘Maybe we can split up tonight then? Some of us can go to the Alice restaurant, and the rest can go to a bar?’ Zoe suggested. This seemed like a fair compromise and so the groups were organised. It didn’t take much convincing for Aaron to go to the restaurant instead of the bar when his girlfriend gave him puppy eyes, and Jana didn’t need any convincing to join the boys if the night included alcohol. Luca was the only one who struggled with deciding which one to go to.

‘The Alice restaurant sounds cool… But alcohol…’ she moaned and everyone laughed.

‘They’ll have alcohol at the restaurant too you know?’

‘Yeah but we’ll probably be ID-d in a restaurant. But also food,’

Amber surprised everyone by being the one to convince her friend.

‘If you come, I’ll buy you a cocktail from Dogma,’ That did it.

Luca gasped.

‘Dogma? I’ve already fallen down the rabbit hole!’

By the time they’d gotten back to the house, everything had been decided. Zoe called ahead to the restaurant to book a table and the quintet quickly got dressed up and left to get there in time.

Moyo and Jens were now lazing around the living room, waiting for the rest of their group to assemble. To pass time, they’d been reminiscing over their trip so far.

‘Harajuku wasn’t too bad to be honest,’ Moyo admitted.

‘That cafe was trippy as fuck,’

‘Yeah but it was still pretty cool. Good vlog footage too,’ 

‘Mm.’ 

Jens grabbed his phone to see that he’d received a text from Jana 2 minutes ago.

 _ **Jana**_ : _Lipstick or no?_

She’d sent a picture of her makeup which made him smile.

 _ **Jens**_ : _Doesn’t that make you look like a whore?_

 _ **Jana**_ : 🖕🙄

‘Who is it?’ Moyo asked, attempting to peer over the phone.

‘Just Jana,’ Jens said absently, replying to her message.

 _ **Jens**_ : 🤷♂️

‘So,’ his friend started. When there was nothing that followed, Jens looked up.

‘So what?’

‘So? What’s going on between you!? You’ve been going from avoiding each other to flirting with each other every other week since you broke up,’

Jens shrugged. It was a fair point and a good question. The two had been flip-flopping for a while. He looked down to see her most recent message.

 _ **Jana**_ : 😏😘

He fought the instinct to reply straight away and locked his phone.

‘I don’t know…’

‘I mean it’s simple dude. Do you want to get back with her?’ Moyo asked. And Jens thought. He really thought. 

He missed her. He missed what they had. He missed the way he felt when they’d kiss and spend time in her bed just talking about nothing, he missed sneaking over to her house on the other side of Antwerp, he missed making out by the school gates. He even missed her silently kicking him out when her mum arrived home early. But maybe the biggest thing was that he missed having a someone and being in a relationship. Was that it? Was the only thing he missed just being comfortable in a relationship? All the other elements he could think of were linked to school so maybe it was just the concept of a relationship that he missed. So much had changed since they’d broken up. Perhaps it was time to let it go. Perhaps it was time for him to “get out there” and maybe even heed Robbe’s advice from the year before and explore the thing only his best friend knew about.

‘No,’ he said decidedly.

‘Then you need to tell her - make sure she knows that whatever you’re doing isn’t going to result in anything,’

Jens smirked.

‘When did you get so smart?’ 

‘Hey, you don’t know everything about my life!’ Moyo said, raising his hands in mock surrender.

‘Wait, what-,’ 

Before Jens could further interrogate what that meant, the door slid open.

‘Let’s go party!’ Jana called in English, announcing her arrival equipped with a black dress and no lipstick before a look of disappointment appeared on her face.

‘Sander and Robbe not down yet?’ 

The two boys shook their head and she came in, plonking herself on the sofa, next to Jens. Remembering the conversation he’d just had, he took this as his cue to pull away from Jana’s more flirtatious actions and also to go hurry his friend up.

‘Dare I check on them?’ he asked as he stood up.

‘Better you than me,’ Moyo joked, receiving a pleasant hand gesture from his friend as he exited the room.

Jens walked down the corridor and headed to the bottom of the stairs. Not really wanting to climb the stairs, he called up.

‘Robbe! Sander!’

Silence.

‘You ready yet? We were meant to leave 15 minutes ago!’

Silence again. So bracing himself, he crawled up the steep steps that were annoyingly creaky. With how creaky the steps were, he thought it’d be impossible to not hear him making his way up. But once he reached the top, he realised that perhaps there was one situation his friends could’ve been in that may have resulted in them not hearing him. The paper doors were slid shut but with the position of a lamp behind the paper screen, and with how dark it was in the small corridor, he could make out two silhouettes. Or rather two silhouettes making out. And given everyone else in the house was downstairs, who the silhouettes belonged to wasn’t a question. What’s more, whilst the black and white scene needed no soundtrack, one was provided, in case their shadows didn’t make their actions clear enough.

Grinning, Jens made his way back down the steps as quietly as possible so not to disturb them and returned to Jana and Moyo.

‘Come on, let’s go,’ he called into the living room before walking around to the porch to put his shoes on.

‘What about Robbe and Sander?’

Jens smirked.

‘I think they’re doing something more important right now. That they may need an empty house for,’

The look on Moyo and Jana’s faces was priceless.

‘Wait you mean-,’ he nodded.

‘Really?’ he nodded again.

A chorus of a squeal from Jana and a “finally” from Moyo echoed in the porch but Jens quickly shushed them.

‘Dude, if they couldn’t hear you yelling at them to come down from the bottom of the steps, that we could hear, they can’t hear us here,’ Moyo reasoned.

Jens shrugged. 

‘Just think we shouldn’t disturb them - it’s taken them long enough to get together,’

‘Should we leave the keys then? In case they want to go on a last minute date or something,’ Jana suggested. 

‘I don’t think they’ll hear the doorbell though,’

The trio chuckled.

‘But the others should be back by the time we’re done though, or we could meet up with them,’

No one could argue with that. So being sure to leave the keys in a safe space, the trio trooped out of the house, closing the door quietly.

‘Should we tell them we’re leaving?’ Moyo suggested and Jens nodded.

‘I’ll send him a text now,’ he said.

‘And I am telling the girls,’ Jana announced, pulling her phone from her purse.

 **_Jens:_ ** _Join us later if you want. We’ve left the keys. And use protection!_

The trio walked to the station with the instructions that Sander had luckily given them beforehand.

‘Did you get Robbe back for walking in on us at the cabin?’ Jana asked. Jens laughed and shook his head.

‘I’m sure we’ll see enough of it tomorrow!'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note on Japan:  
> -I don't drink so I don't know the sich with how meticulous they are on checking IDs but a few websites and people have said they're fairly lax. If anyone knows different, let me know!  
> Also Dogma is a cocktail bar in Antwerp that's no 1 on TripAdvisor rn lol.  
> Also I know there was a good opportunity to include Kato in this but I kinda wanna see how her story plays out before I involve her.
> 
> Follow me on twitter for updates!
> 
> [@spacepanda1011](twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	16. Not Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I'm sorry for the last chapter! But you were all super nice, so here it is! A chunky ol' 5.8k chapter (that I've worked v hard on, I hope it's worth the wait)!  
> Doing a bit of time travelling here but I hope it makes sense. It starts after the conversation about what to do in the evening but, obviously, before the timestamp of the last chapter.  
> Also tw // racist comment. Also cw // kinda smutty scene? I don't think it's that descriptive but still.  
> Enjoy!

19:22

Robbe realised on the train back when everyone was discussing plans for the evening that he wasn’t too fussed what they did, so long as Sander was there. If Sander had wanted to go to the Alice cafe that Amber was obsessed with, he probably would’ve made some case out to follow him. Not that he needed any more convincing or any indicators, but that realisation was yet another reminder of how deep his crush was. He was, however, glad that Sander not only chose to go to a bar with the boys, probably knowing that he’d be the designated sober person, but had also managed to find a bar that Serena described as “should’ve been shut down years ago but good drinks at good prices”. 

The group that’d decided to go drinking lazed around on the sofa and against the window watching some cartoon as the restaurant group ran around getting ready. Jana claimed that she wanted to give the girls space to get ready and that she wouldn’t take too long, but something about the way she’d been so friendly towards Jens throughout the day told him different.

‘What are the plans for tomorrow?’ Moyo asked, looking up from his phone.

‘Um… I don’t think we’ve got anything booked but we’ve got Disney on Saturday,’ Jana said. Everyone nodded.

‘Time to work off the hangover then!’ 

‘Do we know what time we’re setting off on Saturday?’ Sander asked. Jana shrugged.

‘Probably early. The park opens at 10 so we want to be there a bit earlier so we don’t miss out on anything,’ she said.

‘Okay. I wanted to see the Rainbow Bridge in Odaiba tomorrow evening but I don’t think that’ll take too long,’ Sander explained.

‘A rainbow bridge?’

‘Yeah it’s the big bridge in Odaiba and they light it up in rainbow colours at night. I wanted to take some pictures of it,’

‘That sounds cool,’ Robbe said.

‘Yeah, I kinda want to see that now. We could probably arrange a trip there then and see if there’s any other cool things. Maybe some place for dinner?’ Jens suggested. 

The smile that spread across Sander’s face made Robbe want to imitate it. It was one of those smiles when he really felt listened to and valued. Robbe recognised it from the art expo when some of the other artists came up and complimented his work, or from the opening of the milkshake bar when Vas and Justin dedicated a small essay in their thank you speech to him. Sander had occasionally expressed how out of place he sometimes felt in various social situations, particularly amongst the Broerrrs as he hung out with them often but was also 2 years older. And Robbe certainly tried hard to include and involve him whenever they hung out all together, but on the rare occasion it happened organically, those were the best moments.

20:26

The girls plus Aaron had long left for the restaurant and the remaining residents decided to leave at half past 8. Jana had long excused herself to get ready and Jens and Moyo left the living room not long afterwards, the latter explaining that his mum wanted to call him.

Eventually Sander and Robbe remained the last ones sat in front of the TV blank, not wanting to move from the comfort of the sofa or each other just yet.

‘I’m happy for Noor,’ Robbe mumbled.

‘Hm?’ 

‘I’m happy for Noor,’ he repeated, not much louder or clearer but it seemed to work.

‘Mm.'

He rolled his head to the side to be met with his friend doing the same. The glance they shared made his fingers tingle a little, like they did at the castle. But he ignored it.

‘Have you ever thought about dating again?’ Sander spoke up after a short silence. Robbe furrowed his brows and before he could respond, Sander carried on. ‘I mean, I know it’s not been  _ that _ long since Ottilio but still…’

Ottilio. That name felt like a blast from the past and Robbe was met with the memory of their breakup.

It happened the same night after Sander’s art expo, the same night he realised what he truly felt for his best friend. He turned the corner of his street and true to his word, Ottilio had been standing there, leaning against the bushes with a cigarette in his mouth.

‘Finally!’ the man cried at the boy.

‘Ot, what are you doing here? You know you can’t just show up out of the blue!’ Robbe retaliated as the man pushed himself off of the bushes and walked into the lamppost light.

‘Well seeing as you ignore my requests, I figure I can do what I like!’

The smug and entitled expression drove Robbe up the wall.

‘What the-,’ he started but knew better than to get angry. No, just explain Robbe. No need to get angry. ‘No, they put a camera on the street because there were a bunch of burglaries and drug busts like 3 years ago? I told you this - someone standing around and smoking at night looks dodgy. Also I never agreed to your “request” so that hardly seems fair,’ 

That final remark was quite bold, despite his tone dwindling a little at the end, and he could feel the adrenaline running through his veins as he said it.

‘Fair!? Fair!? Robbe, you spend more time with Sander than you do with me - I can’t help but get concerned about why my boyfriend finds one of his friends more interesting than me! Your  _ boyfriend _ !’

He couldn’t say that. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t true.

‘That’s not true - I barely see Sander anymore. And he isn’t just a friend, he’s-.’

‘Ah! There! You literally just said that he’s not just a friend,’ Ottilio cut across. Whilst normally in their fights Robbe would often find himself shying away from his own defense, something in him was telling him that he couldn’t let this slide anymore.

‘He's my best friend - is what I was going to say,’ he explained, trying to keep his calm. ‘And you can't tell me who I can and can't hang out with, especially if those people are my closest friends. You don't see me complaining about your friends!'

'And what's wrong with my friends?'

This got him started, oh did this get him started. He and Ottilio had hung out with Ottilio’s friends a few times and every single time Robbe regretted it. They were all from high class families with a sense of entitlement that he’d never seen anyone from his generation have. From treating service staff like dirt, to making racist and sexist remarks - there was a reason why he never tried to mesh their friend groups together.

He’d mentioned it passively to his boyfriend before, about how uncomfortable his friends made him, but he’d never outright called them out. He couldn’t hold back anymore.

'They just act so entitled and not to mention racist!'

'This again? That waiter messed up our order, he deserved it!'

'It wasn’t just that one time. And also, that's no reason to spit at him and tell him to "go back home with the virus"! He wasn’t even Chinese!' 

'He wasn't doing his job properly - I was merely putting him in his place. Besides, they’re all the same really aren’t they?'

‘What the fuck Ot!?’ This changed the expression on his boyfriend’s face. The curse, the raised voice, it was all new. ‘He literally said that he was born in London. And also  _ spitting at him _ ?’

‘Like I said. He deserved it,’ The statement was a little less confident than last time, but still full of belief. And that’s all he needed.

'That's it - we’re done,' Robbe said firmly, walking past the man towards his front door.

'What?'

'I'd much rather be single than have a racist boyfriend who tries to control my life!'

And for the first time in their relationship, Ottilio was speechless. Robbe had never been the type of person to really speak up or defend himself overtly. Everyone who knew them had always thought if either of them would dump the other, it’d be Ottilio dumping Robbe, not the other way around. But after that night, after all the comments and microaggressions resurfaced, he remembered Sander's words, that this wasn't healthy. And then he thought of Sander and realised that he’d be much happier hopelessly crushing over Sander than being with Ottilio.

And that was the last time he spoke to Ottilio. He hadn’t even thought about the guy since around a week after the break up and he'd happily been living an Ottilio-free life.

Robbe shrugged in response to Sander’s question.

'I don't know, maybe. If I find the right person,' he said, glancing over at Sander. He wanted to tell him, to ask him whether he would be that right person. Whether it could be him. He was dying to say something, screaming it with his eyes, but remained silent.

'What about you? It's been a while since Britt?’ Robbe tentatively asked instead. Tentative because he knew how their relationship had ended and how Sander spent the first few months afterwards hating the girl. The hatred was no longer there and they had now settled to simply being civil with each other when they were around each other, and even attended the same parties from time to time. But also tentative because he was worried about the answer. That maybe Sander was ready to start dating and sleeping around - and that boy could wrap anyone around his finger. Or that he wasn’t and wanted to swear off relationships for the rest of his life.

The older boy returned the gaze, screwing his lips to the side.

‘I don’t know,’ he croaked. ‘I hadn’t really thought about it.’

Robbe let out a silent breath of relief that he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. Perhaps that was the best answer. It wasn’t either of his worst case scenarios so Robbe would consider that a win.

‘Well…’ he trailed off into a comfortable silence. 

That was broken by the sound of Jens and Jana laughing as they ran down the corridor.

‘Shall we go get ready?’ Sander stood up and Robbe followed.

‘Sure!’

And 10 minutes later, Robbe was stood against the wall of their room on his phone. Sander was busy trying to find a pair of socks in a different compartment of the room so he figured it’d be safe to google what he’d be meaning to all day; “how to tell your best friend you like them”. With the screen brightness all the way down, and the phone itself tilted closer towards him, he typed and pressed search. All the articles he read gave him the response he expected, the one Zoe had told him - to be honest. Honest. And suddenly he remembered coming out to Milan for the first time. How for all the people closest to him, honesty worked. Noor, Jens, his mum - even his dad had been surprisingly okay with the whole “being gay” thing. With all those people, he referred back to Milan’s advice. So perhaps he should try the same method this time.  _ Honesty _ . Besides, Zoe was right - if Sander rejected him and stopped being his friend, then he wasn’t really a good friend to start with. Just the prospect of considering Sander a bad friend was what spurred Robbe to open his notes app. Sander could never be a bad friend. 

Quickly glancing up to make sure his friend was still busy, he switched over and tried. He really did. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard but nothing came to mind. He thought so many things about Sander - how soft his hair was, how beautiful his eyes were, how smooth and nice-to-hold his hands were, how good he smelt, how much he made him laugh, how he always knew the right thing to say or do when he was stressed or upset, just how good he made him feel. Yet when it came to typing it out, no words came. 

‘What you writing?’ Sander’s voice made him jump. He looked up to see the very guy he’d been thinking about hovering over the place he held his phone.

‘Oh er um n-nothing!’ he squeaked, quickly pressing the home button before locking his phone in the process. His friend must’ve not seen that happen because next thing he knew, his phone was yanked out of his hands.

‘Sander!’

Robbe pushed himself off the wall and tried reaching for his phone but alas his friend was too tall.

‘Is it... poetry?’ the elder guessed.

‘What? No!’

He tried reaching again but this time Sander took off into the bedroom compartment. Robbe followed as the man walked the perimeter and through the doorway of the longer wardrobe compartment, turning the lights off as he went.

‘Uhm a song?’

‘No!’

‘A list of drinks you plan on drinking tonight?’

By now they’d looped all 3 compartments and the only light remaining on the floor was a tall lamp in the far corner. There was even no light coming through the windows behind their closed doors, making their silhouettes very clear to any passerby of the upstairs corridor.

‘No!’ Robbe tried to take a slightly annoyed tone this time. ‘Can I…?’ he tried again.

‘Nope!’ Sander said, popping the “p” and holding the phone even higher. While some may have seen this as a barrier, Robbe simply saw a challenge to reach higher and even closer into his friend. So much so that before he knew it, Sander had hooked his arms around his waist and attempted to lift him over the shoulder. He however didn’t anticipate how much of a fight Robbe would put up and only got half way. He was leaning further back to try lift him higher with Robbe definitely in the air by a few inches, but not comfortably resting anywhere.

‘Sander stop it! That’s not fair!’ he cried, lightly hitting him to put him down. 

‘Oh really?’ Sander finally put the boy down, feet landing about 4 inches away from his own, holding the hand with the phone high up. He looked down at Robbe and suddenly they were both aware of how close they were. Robbe tried to find it within himself to reach up for his phone but couldn’t get past a certain pair of eyes.

‘Is this fair?’ Sander asked quietly. Something about how close they were, something about his gaze made Robbe think perhaps he wasn’t just talking about the phone.

The air shifted, and they both knew it. It was suddenly rich and homely and  _ right _ . Something about what was happening felt like coming home to a brand new house.

Robbe shook his head.

‘No,’ he said.

Next, the arm slowly came down and lightly brushed against Robbe’s hips. It was shy, testing the waters to see if this was an okay move. It was more than okay. God did Robbe want him to carry on. To press further, deeper. When the grasp on his body did get firmer, if he’d been able to think about anything else, Robbe would’ve worried as to whether Sander could read his mind. There was a small pressure from his fingers, pulling the boy closer.

‘How about this?’ Sander murmured. The voice and tone he took told Robbe that he too knew what was happening. He too recognised the air.

The phone had completely left Robbe’s mind, and now all he could do was stand and stare. The feelings and emotions and atmosphere and everything from the day before at the castle came back in full force and more.

‘No,’ he croaked. The effect the closeness was having on him was very evident in his voice, his expression  \-  _ everything _ .

Sander shuffled half a step closer - if that was possible. Stomachs were now half an inch away. The hand with the phone slid further around Robbe’s waist and the other hand lifted up. For a moment, it hovered next to his cheek, testing the waters once more to see if the action would be an okay thing to do. It took all of Robbe’s effort to not reach up to feel the smooth palm against his face, but he didn’t want to rush it. With no objections, the hand rested on the shorter’s cheek, the index finger gently brushing over the ring hanging from his earlobe. Instinctively Robbe closed his eyes for a second longer during the next time he blinked his eyes, savouring the feeling.

‘And this?’

Robbe gulped. His heart was pounding so fast and so loud he was afraid that it’d beat right out of his chest.

‘No,’ he managed to whisper shakily.

Part of him just wanted to close the remaining gap between them and just kiss and kiss him. But the rest of him was curious as to what Sander's plan was.

The noses were next. Sander leant his head down slightly, allowing their noses to meet and nuzzle. At first contact, Robbe closed his eyes again, this time for a bit longer, taking in the moment. They were in their own room, in private, with no one to disturb them. No screaming kid, no Jens being “it”, just the two of them. 

He took a deep breath, recognising his favourite scent, and opened his eyes on the exhale. Sander’s bright green eyes were directly in front of his own, staring intently. It was a look that Robbe had seen so many times. On his bed, at the milkshake bar, on the plane, the night before, and only now did he see it. See what the look was, what it meant. Before he’d be questioning it, but there were no questions now. 

‘This?’

‘No,’

It was a breath. Neither could fully speak anymore. They knew what was coming and yet they were both terrified. They were so close - if anything went wrong now, so much could crumble. 

Robbe wanted to do it. He wanted to be the one to be bold enough to start it, but all he could do was slightly unstick his lips from each other, paralysed with feeling. 

They stayed in that position for another moment before Sander took the step and pressed his lips against Robbe’s. It wasn’t quick by any means, but it wasn’t slow or tentative. It was natural and the softest, sweetest kiss Robbe had ever received. His entire body  _ melted _ in Sander’s arms as he embraced the kiss, let himself receive the kiss. It wasn’t messy, or deep, or sexy, or brief, or chaste. It was a gentle and lasting one. It was  _ everything _ . And although it wasn’t short, it was over before Robbe could piece his mind back together to kiss back. His eyes remained closed and his lips parted as he slowly came back to the real world. The hand on his cheek dropped down to meet the other on the small of his back.

‘That okay?’ a husky voice asked. He finally opened his eyes to see Sander with a small but real smile, adoring the softest expression.

Robbe, finally with a plan, shook his head. The hands on his back quickly broke apart and fell away.

‘Oh. I- I’m-,’ the artist scrambled to say something as the soft expression quickly fell away. It was then that Robbe realised that his plan may not have been the smartest, but he carried it through. He let the small grin that’d been dying to come out, creep onto his face as he hooks his arms around his neck. 

‘It wasn’t long enough,’ Robbe spoke quietly, before pulling Sander’s lips to his, much quicker than last time. There was a smile imprinted on their lips before diving further and deeper. Sander’s arms flung back around Robbe’s waist, pulling him in as close as possible. This time there were fireworks and explosions and he didn’t melt, instead he felt charged and energised. Robbe hung his arms around the elder as they kissed and kissed and kissed. As it got deeper and hotter, Sander eventually pushed Robbe back onto the wall he’d been leaning on. Robbe couldn’t decide where to keep his hands. He wanted to cling onto his friend, but he also wanted to hold his face so that they could kiss more, but he also wanted to intertwine their fingers - it was a struggle.

Sander’s hands also wandered from Robbe’s back, to his hips, and eventually to his thighs. With a light squeeze the younger boy understood the gesture and found himself suspended in the air, trapped between the bedroom wall and his friend, or was it boyfriend now? He wasn’t sure, but right now, he didn’t care.

Gently biting his lower lip, Sander’s mouth danced away, across his jawbone and onto his neck. All Robbe could do was gasp and hold the man closer.

Heavy breathing, gentle moans, and whispered names filled the room as they blocked the world out. There could’ve been a thunder storm and they wouldn’t have noticed, so intoxicated by each other.

Lips danced once more, tangling tongues in mouths and fingers in hair, until they naturally slowed down. Robbe placed a final kiss with the intention of pulling away and just looking at the boy he’d spent the past however long kissing but just before he opened his eyes, lips were on his again with the same intention. He fought the instinct to kiss back because he knew if they started again, they wouldn’t be able to stop. He kept his eyes closed for a moment, cherishing the feeling of Sander’s nose on his, his lips brushing against his own, his arms around his body. Eventually eyes opened and Robbe stood up again. Luckily, he was still trapped between Sander and the wall, which helped him stay standing as seeing Sander with raw lips and half lidded eyes made him swoon. Robbe was the first one to break into a smile, Sander followed not long after. They stayed two noses apart, listening to each other’s breaths and heartbeats.

‘I’ve wanted to do that for so long,’ Sander breathed and Robbe’s heart skipped a beat.

‘I wish you had,’ was all his half working brain could come up with.

‘You’d think we had enough privacy on this trip,’ Sander joked. And with the mention of the trip, the fact that they were on holiday with friends waiting downstairs brought Robbe back to reality. He tipped his head back against the wall at the realisation.

‘Fuck. We should go,’ he said, not moving or making any effort to leave.

‘Mm… I suddenly don’t want to leave,’

He tilted his head back, bumping their noses together.

‘Me either.’

The two stood a while longer, wrapped in each other’s arms and catching their breaths until a ping from Robbe’s phone, which’d fallen onto the floor during their makeout session, broke the silence. Reluctantly, he pulled away from the embrace and sat on the floor, legs crossed, where his phone was. Barely a moment passed once he grabbed his phone until Sander followed and sat slightly behind, draping his own legs over Robbe’s knee and placing a kiss on his jaw, instantly causing his lips to pull into a smile.

When the phone was unlocked, Robbe saw the text from Jens.

**_Jens:_ ** _ Join us later if you want. We’ve left the keys. And use protection! _

He blushed with slight embarrassment, realising Jens must’ve made his way up the steps to have known what they were doing. He glanced up to see if the doors were shut - thankfully they were.

‘I suppose that means we can stay a little longer,’ Sander said, his voice brushing against Robbe’s ear. Robbe turned around to look at him, putting his phone down and locking it. They shared a smile before he leant in to feel the soft lips he’d only dreamt about upon his again because he could. Hands came up cupping his cheeks, grasping his neck, pulling at his hair. The force of the kiss strengthened and Robbe pushed Sander to the floor, straddling him in the process. He pressed short and sweet kisses into his lips with an intent to slow down but every kiss got hotter and deeper than the one before. A lick of the tongue, a bite of the lip. Sander's hands roamed all over his back starting from the small, moving up to his shoulder blades, back down to the small, occasionally dipping lower which drove him wild. Just the  _ feeling  _ of Sander's hands on his body, just  _ Sander _ .

Without thinking and simply responding to whatever the bodies wanted, their hips rolled together, pressing into each. The groan that Sander gave out made him want to carry on alas the older boy pulled away.

'We should stop,' he whispered in a shaky breath. Robbe too pulled away, worried he'd gone too far. 

'Is everything okay?' he asked quietly, gently rubbing Sander's chest. He nodded.

'Everything is perfect,' he said with a smile, placing his hands on top of Robbe's. 'But I think if we go any further, we won't be leaving the room until tomorrow morning. And I think we should get dinner first,’

Robbe grinned, relieved that he hadn't gone too far. He lent down and began peppering light kisses all across Sander's face and his jaw and his ear. Arms came around to pull him closer. Sander's breaths became shorter and more jagged, and Robbe found it incredible that he was having this effect on him. 

They were about to cross over into not going back downstairs until the morning when Sander realised and pushed himself off the floor, lifting Robbe up with him. However instead of moving away, as what might’ve been expected, Robbe simply adjusted his pose and sat with his legs still wrapped around his hips and arms around his neck. Sander chuckled, pressing a light kiss just to the side of his lips.

‘Are you going to get up?’ he murmured. Robbe looked at him, their faces inches apart, and shrugged.

‘I’m comfortable here,’

Sander scoffed and looped his arms around his waist.

'What do you want to eat?' Robbe asked quietly.

Sander pulled away from slowly kissing his neck and looked him straight in the eye.

‘You.’

The two collapsed into laughter, although not moving apart.

‘We could make a trip to 7-11?’

‘Sounds good,’

‘You’ll have to get off me so that we can go you know?’

‘Mm… I’m comfortable though,’

Sander rolled his eyes and began wriggling his legs out from underneath Robbe. After a bit of struggle, he stood up and held his hand out to the boy still on the floor.

‘Come on!’

21:17

Turns out what should’ve been a 5 minute trip to 7-11 takes quite a bit longer when you’ve just found out that your best friend feels the same way about you as you do him. The two walked along the short street hand in hand, swinging their intertwined fingers between them. Every few steps one would get the instinctive need to stop and press a small kiss on the other which meant that the trip that should've taken 5 minutes took 15

When they were in the shop it was no different to the walk there. They always found some way of touching each other, whether it was their hands or shoulders or arms. Not wanting to miss anymore alone time together, they quickly filled the basket with pot noodles and sweets and left the shop, practically skipping home.

They sat opposite each other across the kitchen table and Robbe couldn't help but draw a parallel between right now and all the mornings they'd spent this trip sharing shy glances. Now he boldly reached across the table and tangled his own fingers with Sander's, not holding back any expression, as they waited for their noodles to be done.

'When did you realise?' Sander asked, tracing circles on the back of Robbe's hand.

'That I liked you?'

'Mm,'

Robbe pretended for a second like he was thinking but he didn't need to think back. He remembered the day like it was yesterday.

'After the art expo. Just before I broke up with Ottilio,'

‘Was that why...:?’

‘I broke up with him?’ Robbe offered, finishing the question. ‘No, I dumped him because he was an entitled, racist ass,’

Sander raised his eyebrows in response, but before he could ask any further questions, Robbe quickly fired the question back, not wanting to think about his ex anymore.

'And you?'

The artist caught on to the subject change and went along with it, baring a grin.

'When I saw you with Noor at the truck,'

He rolled his eyes.

'Come on - you couldn't even see my face!' he shrugged 

'I didn't need to. The moonlight shone down on you and I knew right away you were the one!' he said, dramatically waving his arms around. Robbe grinned.

'Oh? Why did it take you so long then?'

Sander scoffed.

'Why did it take  _ you _ so long!? I'm hot shit - surprised you didn't swoon the moment we met!'

Robbe giggled and bit his tongue from saying that he very nearly did and instead stretched over the table for a kiss, to which Sander happily met him in the middle for.

It was a soft and sweet one that was over very quickly. They sat back down and fiddled with each other's fingers again.

'What does this make us?' Robbe asked shyly. Sander ran his hands up and down his arms and grasped his wrists. He gulped as Robbe repeated the action.

'We can… we could be boyfriends? If you want?' A short silence ensued and Sander began to panic. 'Or not. That's cool as well-,'

'We can,' Robbe quickly said, twisting his wrists around to grab Sander’s wrists, stopping his thoughts from running away. 'You can be my boyfriend if you want,' he said, smirking a little at how childish that sounded. But Sander grinned and nodded.

'Only if you'll be mine?'

Robbe nodded. They sealed the deal with a kiss and checked in on their noodles.

23:14

When they eventually managed to make it back up to their room, there was no holding back. It even started outside of the room in the little corridor. As soon as they’d both giddily stumbled up the creaky steps, Robbe wasted no time and began kissing his new boyfriend, pushing him back against the wall of the corridor. The kiss got deeper, tongues licked lips, and this was pure passion. Sander had his arms around Robbe’s neck, Robbe had his hands at Sander’s hips, pulling him closer. The moment the air changed was when his shirt rode up a teensy bit, allowing Robbe’s thumb to gently stroke his bare skin. The noise Sander made was different and they both knew it, pulling away for a moment and looking each other in the eye, as if asking for permission. It was a yes, of course it was a yes.

Robbe’s shirt was the first one to hit the floor and they barely made it into the actual room before Sander was also shirtless. He also took the lead, carefully pushing Robbe down onto the futons, following not too far behind. It wasn’t so fast anymore - they took their time. Everytime he moved to a new body part, Sander would always glance up, to make sure that what was happening was consensual. Robbe thought that being fed the kebab stick the night before had been intimate, but he wasn’t prepared for the very same beautiful boy hovering over him, unbuckling his belt and sliding off his jeans. He let out a small whimper as a hand gently stroked him through the fabric of his boxers. His arms tensed, holding Sander closer yet.

‘Is this okay?’ he whispered sensually into his ear. Robbe struggled to find the mental capacity to form a single word as shivers ran down his spine and simply nodded. 

‘I need to hear you,’ the man insisted, so he tried.

‘Yes,’ he gasped with a lot of effort.

And they lost themselves after that. Hands everywhere, touching, stroking, squeezing. Switching sides, top and bottom, left and right. Fast and slow. Hot, completely hot. Blind pleasure.

Retrospectively they would feel thankful that they had the house to themselves, not only because of noise levels, but also just knowing that there was nothing and no one that could disturb them. Just knowing that it was just the two of them.

09/07/21 Vrijdag 00:17

They fell back onto the mattresses, panting with a little sweat glistening on their foreheads. Robbe’s heart was still pounding from the high, from the adrenaline. He wasn’t even sad or disappointed that they hadn’t gone all the way. Not quite yet. But being able to see Sander’s face as he climaxed, as his eyes remained closed for a minute or two, completely blissed out - it didn’t matter. Nothing felt better.

‘That was amazing,’ he spoke quietly when words managed to finally come back to him. He received a hum in response.

Bare bodies stuck together as they got their breath back. Yet, still unable to stop showing affection, the odd chaste kiss was pressed to a nearby body part every so often. The moon was high enough now that it shone through the window and the paper doors. Luckily, they’d left the doors of the bedroom compartment open. It was lucky because the way the low light hit the boy in his arms made him appear angelic, Robbe thought. He looked black and white, but warm and full of colour at the same time.

It made him feel all tingly and happy and befuddled that the most beautiful person on the planet was in his arms, drawing patterns and pressing kisses to his chest. It was the most at peace Robbe had ever felt. Even when the front door opened in the distance, and loud whoops and calls of “we’re back!” were in the distance, nothing disturbed them. And just something about the way Sander snuggled closer, the way the two lay in the darkness, the way they clung to each other just felt so comfortable and cosy and calm. While it sounded as though there was a mini stampede going on below them, the stillness that surrounded the upstairs room felt homely.

'Are we telling them?' Sander asked quietly. Robbe sighed, placing a kiss in his hair before replying.

'I don't think we have to. Jens already knows. And if he knows, Jana and Moyo know. And if Jana knows, then the girls will know,' he explained.

Sander chuckled a little.

'Good,' he spoke more firmly. 'I don't know if I could pretend to just be your friend anymore,'

Robbe grinned.

'Not anymore.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be going back to the usual (welllll...) Sunday uploads so the next chapter will (hopefully) be up next Sunday.  
> Let me know your thoughts - your comments honestly make my day!  
> Follow me on Twitter for more updates:
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	17. This Is Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the love on the last chapter - your comments are so sweet and genuinely make my day! I hope you enjoy this one!

10:03

It was a light brisk wind that pulled him out of his deep slumber. He smiled, feeling warm and comfortable in the position he was in. He cast his mind back to the night before.

How was that real? How did that even happen? He kissed his best friend. He kissed his crush. He kissed  _ Sander _ . And not only kiss. It wasn’t simply an innocent smooch, it turned into something so hot and alive. He’d never felt so electric, so energetic, so turned on. It was beyond his dreams. Beyond anything he could’ve imagined.

Another breeze stopped him from falling back into his dreams and that’s when he realised. The window definitely hadn’t been open the night before so that must mean-

The other side of the bed was empty. He was gone.

Panic began to rise as he blinked his eyes fully open to see that the room was empty and silent. Robbe rolled over, feeling around for his phone. Just as he found it, he heard the steps creaking and he froze. Not a minute later Sander appeared through the doorway of the furthest compartment of the room and made his way over, carrying a tray and a flask tucked under his arm. He stopped when he realised his partner was staring with his eyes open.

‘Morning,’ he said with a smile. ‘I got us breakfast,’ he explained, tilting the tray into view a little before putting it down on the floor and crawling back underneath the covers. Without a second thought Robbe wrapped his arms around the boy, pressing a light kiss to his forehead. He held him still for a few moments before it became apparent that perhaps Sander’s surprise hadn’t been as well received as he’d originally planned.

‘You okay?’ he asked, turning slightly so that they could face each other. Robbe sighed, screwing his lips to one side, deciding whether to be honest. 

‘I… I thought you’d gone,’ he admitted, blushing a little. As he said it, he realised how clingy and desperate that might’ve sounded and panicked a little but he needn’t have worried. He was with Sander after all.

‘I was just downstairs. Besides, where would I go?’ he joked, giving him the sweetest smile. Robbe nodded. He was right and it was rather Robbe’s brain that’d decided to overthink. So without overthinking his next move, he gave in to his heart by tilting Sander’s face closer with his hand and kissing him. It was a slow and lazy kiss that  _ smelt _ of Sander. His arms slid around his bare torso as they deepened the kiss. The touch just reminded Robbe how good Sander’s touch felt, especially against bare skin.

Their lips parted but the bodies and heads stayed in pretty much the same position.

‘Zoe said that she and the girls are going to the AEON mall today,’ Sander muttered. Robbe smiled, raising his eyebrows.

‘Jana doesn’t have a hangover?’ he asked dubiously.

Sander laughed and made a movement that Robbe could only imagine was a shrug.

'Well we might not be entirely alone in the house, but we've definitely got time,' Sander said. With a grin, and because he could, Robbe leant over and pressed his lips to his for a short kiss before twisting in Sander's embrace to grab his phone. The screen lit up his face as he lay back down. He had a multitude of texts.

**_Aaron_ ** _ : Why am I always the last to hear about things? But about time man! _

**_Zoe_ ** _ : Glad to hear I don't have to lock you in the house 😉 _

**_Jana_ ** _ : aghj im happy fvr uuuu 😘🤷♀️🍙🎰🎰 _

**_Mama_ ** _ : Are still calling today? _

'Why has Jana been using the slot machine emoji recently?' Sander asked. 'Like in what context would you use that?'

'When you're drunk?' Robbe suggested. He swiped the first 3 away and opened up the text from his mum.

**_Robbe_ ** _ : Of course. What time works for you? _

‘Are you going to tell her?’ Sander asked, a little nervousness in his voice. Robbe put his phone down and turned to face him.

‘That I have a really hot boyfriend now?’

He smiled and nodded bashfully.

‘Why would I not? She was literally asking me the other night,'

'About us?'

Something about the way he said 'us' made Robbe's heart flutter. They were an 'us' now.

He nodded.

'Us,' he repeated. And by the look on Sander's face, he figured he felt the same way too. They met each other halfway leaning in for another kiss. Sander's arms looped around Robbe's body again and held him as Robbe threaded his fingers in his hair. There was a touch more energy in this kiss than the previous ones. The passion from the night before was on the brink of returning when Sander pulled away and laughed at Robbe's pout he realised that he wasn't kissing back.

'I got us breakfast,' he said, nodding towards the tray he'd left at the foot of the futons. But Robbe wasn't interested.

'Breakfast can wait.'

15:05

It was the afternoon by the time everyone was ready to head out to do something as a group. Considering it would be the last full day they’d get exploring Japan, the other two taken up by Disney and going home, they wanted to make sure they got to do something together. So upon Sander’s wishes, they’d decided on Odaiba.

‘There’s this super cool digital art museum, like cooler than Sky Circus,’ Sander explained as the boys sat in the living room waiting for the girls. The sofa was taken up by the new couple, Robbe tucked into Sander’s side, Moyo sat on the other arm chair, and the other two boys sat on the floor. Sander passed his phone over to Moyo with the TripAdvisor page of the museum.

‘Nice!’ Moyo commented, passing the phone along.

‘That looks sick man. How do you find these places?’ Aaron asked as he took the phone from Jens. 

‘My teachers gave me a massive list of things to check out when I mentioned going to Japan,’ the boys chuckled in response to the homework he’d been set. ‘And Serena.’ 

‘And er… this Serena…’ Moyo began, and Robbe could already sense what he was going to ask. It was Moyo. ‘She single?’

It was difficult to not laugh at that comment. 

‘Hey, don’t you laugh!’ Moyo nudged Jens’ shoulder. ‘It’s been over 2 years since Jana!’

Jens rolled his eyes.

‘We’re about to start uni though,’ he began in defense, fiddling a little with his fingers. Robbe immediately caught on to his friend’s slight discomfort at the question and tried to help him out. 

‘Yeah, hot people exist in the Netherlands too,’ he commented.

‘Still can’t believe you’re leaving us man…’ Aaron trailed off, referring to Jens’ apt decision to go study in the Netherlands after a rather successful spring break trip over there, to which Robbe happened to be the only one to know the real reason why he picked the new country.

‘It’s not that far,’

‘But still… And Moyo’s leaving for Brussels- man we’re the only ones left!’ Aaron exclaimed towards Robbe. He shrugged, leaning closer into his boyfriend.

'We need to have a proper night out before we all head off though. The Broerrrs' last night!' Jens said. Everyone nodded in agreement.

'In answer to your question, yes she's single,' Sander said with not much else to add. There was a nervous expression that crossed Moyo's face.

'Do you… do you reckon… do you think...?' it was obvious what he was trying to ask. Was he good enough for her? Would she be into him?

Needless to say there were smirks all around.

'I can introduce you if that's what you want? I don't know if she's looking to start anything right now but she could do with having more good people in her life,' he said. Moyo smiled, suppressing a full beam.

'Alright, nice,' Aaron broke the moment. 'That's almost all of us then! Just Jens. You need to get on to that pussy train!'

Everyone, including Moyo, gave Aaron a look.

'Dude, "pussy train"? Who says that?' Moyo asked.

'Yeah and who says I'm restricted to just pussy?'

That was an unexpected comment that made Robbe’s sleepy mind instantly wake up. Was this the way Jens had decided to do it? To come out? Was it intentional? Robbe’s brain immediately began racing through ways to help his friend recover if needed. 

'Wait. Are you gay too?' Aaron asked, barely waiting a beat. Jens shrugged.

'No. Girls are hot too,'

'Too?’ Moyo picked up on and glanced between Robbe and Jens. The look the two friends were sharing must’ve been very legible as Moyo demanded to find out what was going on. ‘Is there a story we're not aware of?' he asked, aiming the question at both of them. Robbe gave Jens an encouraging smile. Jens was doing it, and Robbe would sit and watch like the proud best friend he was.

'So when I was in the Netherlands…'

22:37

It'd been the perfect day to follow kissing his crush for the first time. The two had lazed around on the futon making out or eating breakfast or simply just lying there together. The thing that truly woke them up and forced them to start their day was an incoming video call from his mum. They scrambled around and Robbe threw on the first shirt he put his hands on and smoothed out his hair, in an attempt to not make it look like he'd been making out with his boyfriend for the past hour or so. Sander made sure to roll out of frame when grabbing some clothes himself.

It took Mama IJzermans less than two minutes to figure out that something had changed between the two. It could've been how closely they sat next to each other, or the happiest grin that Robbe wore when Sander came back, or the way they glanced at each other. Or it could be the messy hair and the fact that Robbe was wearing a shirt that was recognisably Sander’s. It felt like there was a permanent blush on Robbe's cheeks throughout the call, from his mum cooing to Sander going along with it all and giving him sweet kisses on the cheek.

They were now exiting the first ramen restaurant they'd attended that holiday. A cool evening air blew through Robbe's hair as his fingers interlocked with Sander's. The brightly lit bridge was in the distance. The group crossed the road from the restaurant and walked for probably 15 minutes towards a viewing platform of the illuminated bridge.

'Are we all going to go see the bridge?' Zoe asked once everyone had finished taking pictures.

'I'm kinda tired,' Amber admitted. A few other nods followed.

‘Gotta save the energy for Disney!’

Robbe looked over at Sander and noticed the smile he’d been wearing, the happy aura he’d been surrounded by all day, was beginning to crack. So he squeezed his hand and was about to announce that he’d happily stay with his boyfriend, not that anyone would be surprised by that, when Jens spoke.

'I'm still down to see it,' he said 'I mean it's why we came here in the first place.'

Robbe thanked whatever god looked over them that someone had actually said that.

'Do you want to split up again then?' Yasmina suggested, yawning. It seemed like the best option so they did. Or rather everyone else went back, leaving Jens, Sander and Robbe to troop closer to the bridge.

‘Well, they won’t know what they’re missing out on!’ Robbe said, as they spun around and began walking down the path next to the river. Just before the couple entered the walkway, Sander stopped him. Before Robbe could question what was up, a sweet, soft kiss was placed upon his lips, face cradled in his hands. It wasn’t deep but it made Robbe weak at the knees all the same.

‘Thank you,’ Sander murmured quietly when they pulled away. Their noses were touching and lips were barely an inch away so that it was easy to feel the other smile. Robbe was about to kiss back, or say something, but was interrupted. 

'Guys, I know you've only just gotten together and I’m really happy for you but I don't fancy being a 3rd wheel tonight.' Jens called, bringing the two back to the real world. They shared a light blush and fully pulled away after a final chaste kiss.

‘Sorry!’ 

The trio resumed walking along the riverside in silence. As they did so, Robbe couldn’t help but feel so happy in that moment. This was a moment that he’d remember, walking in between his boyfriend and his best friend in a foreign country. Between the two people he cared about most in the world, apart from his mama. Sander’s fingers had been interlocked with his for most of the evening, the occasional thumb stroking his palm and sending a tingly feeling down Robbe’s spine, making him feel some way. It was happiness, he concluded in his head.  _ This _ was happiness.

‘Hey Jens,’ he started after about 15 minutes of quiet, remembering something he’d wanted to ask his friend. ‘What made you tell them? Earlier, at the house,’ he asked, referring to the conversation the boys had had earlier in the living room. Jens shrugged.

‘I don’t know… I suppose we’ve been texting quite a lot more recently and it just eventually became comfortable to say that boys are pretty hot too,’ he explained. Robbe nodded.

‘Is this erm… Leo?’ Sander asked tentatively, furrowing his eyebrows. Jens rolled his eyes at Robbe and that was when he realised that perhaps when Jens said to “not tell anyone”, it was Sander included. So he quickly mouthed an apology in response to the eyeroll.

‘No, it’s Lucas,’

‘Cool. And how did you really meet?’ Sander asked. ‘If you want to say,’ he quickly added.

The smile that grew on Jens’ face as he spoke about Lucas made his feeling clear.

‘Uhm… I mean it’s a long story but basically we went to Bosch en Duin for a week last summer and I bumped into him when we were visiting some museum in the city and we became friends,’

Sander smirked and quirked an eyebrow.

‘Is this a museum meet-cute then?’

Jens blushed - and that’s all Robbe needed to see to know that this was serious. Jens never blushed. He didn’t even blush over Jana.

‘I don’t know. We’re just friends right now,’ he explained.

‘But you want more?’

He shrugged.

‘I don’t want to ruin what we have. Like it’ll be nice to have a friend when I move over there,’ 

‘He seems to be fairly flirty back though from what you’ve shown me,’ Robbe inputted. Jens shrugged again.

‘Dude, you have nicknames for each other and send each other hearts. This guy likes you back, clearly,’

‘Wait really?’ Sander asked. Robbe nodded but before they could carry on the conversation Jens put a stop to it.

‘Well I’ll figure it out in September. I don’t really want to think about it right now,’ he said, putting a cap on that conversation as they reached the bridge. The two lovers got the message and refrained from asking further questions and instead turned their attention to the main attraction - Odaiba’s Rainbow Bridge. The lights began at the bottom, starting from blue and fading into a green, then a yellow and topped off with a reddy orange. Each cable on the suspension bridge was capped with a bright light that might’ve been yellow or green or white. It was a magnificent sight.

‘Here’s okay,’ Sander announced as they stopped at a viewing point just before the entrance to the bridge. He took his camera out and began taking pictures. Jens and Robbe stayed back and let the artist take his time getting the right shots. They lent against a fence, looking up at the bridge and Jens nudged him.

‘Hm?’

He grinned.

‘You seem happy,’ Jens said. Robbe smiled and nodded, his gaze automatically searching out his boyfriend.

‘I am happy,’ he replied.

‘I er…’ Jens started again and Robbe’s gaze snapped back. ‘I know this might seem out of the blue but… Um…’ 

His friend seemed to really struggle getting out whatever he wanted to say which was very unusual for Jens.

‘Hey, dude, it’s me. You can say anything man,’ Robbe said in an attempt to help him.

‘Okay... I wanted to say sorry,’ he said. Robbe furrowed his brows.

‘What for?’

‘For everything. Before you came out. Telling the boys today got me thinking about how… hard it must’ve been for you,’ he said. Robbe shrugged.

‘It was. But it’s in the past now,’ he said but Jens shook his head.

‘No. I mean yeah it is but just… I keep thinking that me coming out would’ve been totally different if you hadn’t done it first. And I’ve just been realising  _ how _ bad it must’ve been,’ he explained. ‘And I’m sorry for not noticing sooner,’

Robbe smiled. There wasn’t much to say in response. It  _ had _ been fucking hard and he wasn’t about to dimish or deny that, but he also didn’t want to up it or rub it in. So he opted to just pat him on the shoulder.

‘You’d better keep me updated on Lucas,’ he said, changing the mood. Jens grinned and nodded.

‘Are you moving in together or is he staying with his family?’ Robbe asked.

‘He’s still deciding. He doesn’t want to move out but his mum wants him to so…’

Robbe chuckled.

‘Why does his mum want him to move out?’

‘She’s ill. I don’t know what it is exactly, sounds a bit like your mama, but she doesn’t want him to worry about her and wants him to spread his wings and that shit,’

‘Ah I get that,’

‘And it’s also pretty expensive over there,’

‘Well maybe you can split the price then? Or are there any student dorms or houses you could get?’

‘Maybe. I think it’s something I’m worrying about when we’re back in Europe,’ Jens joked.

‘Not long left!’

‘Have you told your mama?’

‘About me and Sander?’

‘Mm,’

‘Yeah she called his morning and figured it out in about 2 minutes,’ 

Jens burst out laughing.

‘God that took you two so long man,’

‘In my defence, Noor gave me a 6 month ban on dating,’

‘She what?’

‘Because I dumped her. And used her,’ he explained. ‘And then there was lockdown. And then exams,’ he quickly added on so not to linger on the topic of his relationship with Noor.

‘And Ottilio,’

‘Fucking Ottilio…’

‘What?’

‘I’ve thought about him way too many times in the past 24 hours…’ he sighed. Jens gave him a questioning look and Robbe realised that may have not sounded quite right. 

‘Sander asked about him yesterday,’ he quickly explained.

‘How come we never got to properly meet him?’

‘Because he was a shitty, racist asshole, that’s why,’

Robbe prayed that Jens wouldn't push that subject much further, not wanting to think about his awful ex again, and thankfully he didn't.

‘Well you seem much happier with Sander,’ he instead said, which made Robbe forget about Ottilio and instead focus on Sander, instantly make him smile.

‘I am,’

‘Good.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia notes:  
> -AEON is a brand of shopping centre I suppose in Japan.  
> -The slot machine emoji is one of the least used emoji's out there.  
> -The teamLAB Digital Art Museum looks rl cool and I really want to go there. Do yourself a favour and look it up.
> 
> I may or may not be working on two spin off fics from this (VDS may or may not be one of them), one of which I plan to start uploading before this one's over so stay tuned!
> 
> Let me know your thoughts on this one!  
> To stay updated, follow me on Twitter:
> 
> [@spacepanda1011](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	18. A New Freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a weirdly difficult chapter to write but I hope you enjoy it!

10/07/21 Zaterdag 08:33

Considering they’d been getting up around 8:30 most days during the trip, Robbe shouldn’t have been as tired as he was. Yet there he was, on the metro, with his head resting on Sander’s shoulder. Perhaps it was the comfort of being wrapped up with warm blankets and love that made him unwilling to start the day quite yet but nevertheless, he was pulled up and forced to get going.

He wasn’t really asleep - or not fast asleep. Just swimming in and out of light consciousness. It didn’t help that his boyfriend was encouraging it by gently stroking the hand he held, or the occasional light forehead kiss, or by just being so damn comfortable, making Robbe just a little sleepy, reminding him of what they’d left behind back at the house. The train was too noisy to make any conversation though so the two happily sat, just appreciating each other’s embrace. The same couldn’t be said for Jens.

The group had been spread across the train carriage and Moyo, Jens and Jana were sat diagonally opposite. Every now and again when Robbe opened his eyes, he could see Jens looking more and more uncomfortable with how close and cuddly Jana was getting. Robbe, amidst his slumbering lull, made a mental note to talk to his friend about that later.

He had fallen back into nap mode and was on the brink of a deep sleep when the announcement for the next and last stop woke up, recognising one word; “Disneyland”. Sander squeezed his hand.

‘Come on,’ he spoke quietly into his ear. ‘We need to go,’

He didn’t need much more convincing considering he didn’t fancy being left on a train in a country where he barely spoke the language. The plan had been to regroup on the platform, but considering the rush, they instead just shouted at each other to meet outside the station in a quieter location.

10:11

The sun beat down as the friends walked through the park, deciding as they went where to stop and which rides to go on. One must, on request of Sander - that no one argued with, was Space Mountain.

‘The one in Paris is really good,’ he justified. Amber gasped.

‘Have you been to Paris?’ she asked. He nodded.

‘Yeah my sister lives there now,’ he explained.

‘Oh, whereabouts?’ Zoe asked and the two dove knee deep into a discussion about the French capital and their experiences there. As they talked, Robbe tuned out a little and simply appreciated the moment. Sun on his skin, the softest hand in his. Sweet scents of churros and waffles waltzed in the atmosphere. Screams of delight and disappointment clashed in the background with music projected from the various speakers dotted around the park. Clasped hands swung between the two boys as they headed towards the big ride.

Once they'd arrived, all 10 of them joined the queue. It was a surprisingly short queue considering many of the other big rides stated upwards of a 60 minute wait.

'Have you ever done this one?' Sander asked, his voice tickling Robbe's ear. He shook his head.

'I was too short when we went to Paris to go on any of the big rides,' he complained. ‘I was like 6 though,’ he quickly added before any teasing could ensue. Sander laughed and kissed his pouting boyfriend.

'You into rollercoasters though?' 

He nodded indignantly.

'Yeah!'

Sander grinned.

'You'll love this then! It's so cool. Like you're in the dark for a lot of it but there's flashing lights and everything!'

Robbe smiled as the older boy excitedly spoke about the ride.

The wait was long, certainly. But 45 minutes had never flown so fast for Robbe as he spent it chatting away with his friends with Sander pressing the occasional chaste kiss to his cheek or his head or his shoulder. He couldn't help his happy mood.

They finally got to the front of the queue and had to pair up and split into 2 groups as each cart seated 6. Robbe stayed back with Sander and climbed into the 2nd cart along with Jana and Jens at the front and some strangers behind them. 

'Well this is snug,' Sander commented once the bar was pushed down over their laps. Robbe agreed but then laughed at the comment, raising his eyebrows. Considering the positions they'd taken over the mattress, this wasn't the snuggest they'd been. Sander too laughed at the comment once he realised.

‘Okay, you know what I mean!’

He then lay his head on his shoulder and Robbe placed a small kiss on the top of his head, the constant smile on his face yet to be wiped. When he looked back up, he noticed Jana had done a similar thing to Jens. Considering how  _ snug _ the cart was, there was no space for Jens to be able to shuffle away so he made an even bigger mental note to talk to him about that. 

The cart began to move slowly around towards what Robbe could now see as an upwards hill. It jolted to a short halt before beginning the climb up through a tunnel lit with turquoise panels. As they began the ascent, Robbe nudged Sander with his shoulder.

'Probably not safe to do that if it's as crazy as you say it is,' he said. Reluctantly, the artist listened as they reached the top of the relatively short hill, plunging into a dark tunnel with purple hexagons flashing across the walls. The hexagons turned into blue electricity waves emanating from a large plasma ball that they ducked under before the ride shot off.

14:19

It'd been an eventful day so far so Robbe was grateful to be able to sit down for some food. This was the point in the day when the group split up boys and girls, boys opting for a cheaper and quieter spot, and the girls a more expensive yet aesthetically pleasing spot. The boys sat around a table at Plazma Ray’s Diner, waiting for Aaron and Sander to get back with the food.

'I'm so tired man! We've been walking around all day!' Moyo complained. Jens nodded in agreement, looking physically exhausted. Robbe on the other hand, certainly felt aches in his body, but he knew he'd go through it all again if it meant spending it with Sander. But judging by Jens' expression, he figured perhaps it wasn't the time to express how happy he felt.

'Jens,' he started. The darker haired boy snapped his gaze up. 'Have you told Jana?'

Context wasn't needed. They all knew what he meant.

Jens shook his head.

'For real? Dude I told you to tell her like on Thursday,' Moyo exclaimed.

'I know, I know, I just don't know how to bring it up,'

'You need to though dude. She's been flirting with you all day,'

Jens sighed and nodded.

'Yeah…’ he hesitated but spoke again, ‘yeah. You're right,'

Moyo gasped and Robbe grinned.

'What was that sorry? Didn't quite hear you,'

'You're right! I'll tell her tonight,'

'Tell who tonight?' Aaron asked as he and Sander returned with two trays of food.

'Jana,'

'Oh about the Dutch guy?'

Jens nodded.

'Good on you man. Amber seems to think she wants to get back together with you so…'

Jens groaned. 

'I've been pulling back though for a while and saying no a lot… maybe she just needs a clearer sign,'

The boys all nodded in agreement before moving the subject on. As they spoke about the various rides they'd been on throughout the day, the ones they wanted to do after, and complaining about the wait times for rides, Robbe found himself beginning to tune out as Sander's hand made its way to his knee and began tracing circles. The butterflies were back and after grabbing a fry from his own pot, he rested his head so comfortably on Sander's shoulder. In response, his boyfriend placed a sweet short kiss on his forehead. No one questioned or even raised a brow at the gesture. They all just carried on with conversation without batting an eyelid, which made his heart flutter with happiness even more. It wasn’t as if he expected his friends to jeer or say something, but he’d never been openly affectionate to a boyfriend so directly in front of his friends before. He’d been keen for Ottilio to not hang out with them so this was a new thing. A new freedom. And he loved it.

16:56

The end of the day was nearing. The group had planned to watch an early evening parade before heading back so began their souvenir shopping early. Sander, Robbe, Moyo, and Jens very quickly opted to shop separately to the girls, knowing that the two groups would want to look at and purchase very different things, and take different amounts of time. The quartet wandered into one of the larger shops closer to where one of the viewing spots for the parade. 

'Come on!'

'No!'

'Please?'

'No!'

'You afraid it'll ruin your aesthetic?'

Sander sputtered.

'What? No!?'

'Come on then! You don't have to buy them, just put them on and you’ll see!' Robbe insisted. The couple were standing next to a shelf of sparkly Minnie ears in various colours. Robbe had spotted a pink and glittery one and was trying to convince Sander that he’d look good in them, which he found ironic considering Sander could wear anything and still look good. And to take a picture of course.

'No Robbe, I'm not wearing them!'

Robbe suddenly had an idea and stepped forward, taking the edge of his boyfriend's jacket to pull him closer. He leant in close enough for their noses to touch but made sure to hover just an inch away from his lips.

'Please?' he spoke quietly after spending a moment like this to be sure Sander was in a position to be convinced. Sander groaned, rolling his eyes.

'I hate you,'

Robbe grinned.

'Love you too!' 

The brune reluctantly picked up the ears and placed them over his head. Robbe was quick to grab his phone and take as many pictures as possible before Sander grew restless and took them off.

'And now?' he asked suggestively, pulling the boy closer by the hips. Robbe leaned in closer, his teasing mood having not quite died down yet

'Now?' He glanced down at his lips and bit his own. Giving it a moment to once again, ensure Sander seemed hooked, he placed a quick kiss on his cheek before pulling away. 'Let's go find the others,'

He tried to pull Sander by the hand but the artist had other plans. He pulled him back, crashing their lips together for a short tongue-ful kiss, far too heated for the public eye. It took Robbe a second before he could open his eyes as a result, his heart still pounding from not only the kiss, but the fact that such a kiss had taken place in public - in a large Disney store at Disneyland of all places. When he was able to finally open his eyes, he saw Sander smirking.

'Okay let's go!'

18:50

It'd been a long and eventful day and there wasn't a single member of the group who wasn't grateful for being able to sit down on the train ride back. As they picked their seats, Robbe noticed Jens watching where Jana was and quickly sat in between him and a stranger, so to avoid the girl. Her frown was apparent so Robbe quickly thought of something to talk about with Jens so that she wouldn't approach and so that he wouldn’t look or, hopefully, feel too awkward.

'You get those ears in the end?' he asked, referring to the ears his friend had picked up, knowing that his sister would enjoy them. He nodded.

'Yeah, got her a toy as well. It's so expensive though!'

Robbe nodded.

'It's Disney.'

The comment had the two smirking in agreement.

'Did you get the ones you were looking at?'

'Hmm?'

'You know, the ones Sander was wearing,'

A quiet 'fuck you' came from the body resting on the other side of Robbe and the two friends laughed.

'No but I got pictures!'

Sander seemed too tired to protest as his feeble attempt at throwing a punch at either of the two boys landed softly on Robbe's arm.

'Awh - really suits you Sander!' Jens cooed. He attempted to punch again, with not much more success than the last time. Robbe laughed and placed a kiss on his head.

'You look really hot in them. Is that what you want to hear?'

He mumbled something incoherent in response before the weight on Robbe's arm got heavier. Robbe smirked at the mirror image of the scene in the morning and placed another kiss on his forehead before letting him be and returning to a light conversation with Jens about their day.

20:38

Their last evening meal in Japan they decided to go back to the mall they’d visited at the beginning of their trip and sat in the food court. Food from Mos Burger, Lotteria, and a random takeout ramen place littered the tables the group were crowded around. Everyone seemed to be doing their own thing. Amber and Aaron were huddled together, giggling and feeding each other fries, Moyo had his earphones in and was facetiming his family on a table across from the group, and Yasmina was busy taking pictures of Luca playing with the food. Robbe noticed that Jana had a somewhat solemn expression about her as she and Zoe quietly spoke about something on the other side of the table. Looking at Jens’ conflicted face, he figured what happened.

‘Hey,’ he began, knocking his friend’s hand. ‘You tell her?’

He nodded.

‘Not about…’ he jerked his head to indicate Lucas, ‘But just that it’s not going to happen,’

Robbe shrugged.

‘I think she deserves to know though?’

‘I’m not even sure myself what it means so I don’t want to tell her before I know,’ he explained. Robbe nodded, grinning.

‘And you trust us?’

Jens rolled his eyes and nodded.

‘Yes, I trust you guys. You’re my Broerrrs,’ he said as if it was an obvious thing. Considering his boyfriend was sat next to him, he was surprised when Jens spoke directly to him as he couldn’t see any expression he pulled. ‘You too Sander. It’s not as if you wouldn’t find out,’ he said, quirking his gaze towards Robbe. ‘If I can’t trust my Broerrrs, who do I have?’

21:16

The rest of the evening, they spent a little time roaming around the mall to find very few places still open and decided to head back to the house. Once back at the house, everyone crowded in the living room, just to enjoy each other’s presence. Various hot drinks were made and snacks were placed on the central table

‘Amber, this trip’s been so good. You’ve done amazing for organising it,’ Zoe announced. The blonde cuddled up to Aaron beamed as everyone around the room nodded, making agreeable comments. 

‘I think,’ Amber began once the chatter died down, ‘that thanks are due to Sander and Serena as well though,’

It was difficult to stifle the laughter Robbe was dying to let out from his boyfriend’s shocked expression at Amber actually thanking and acknowledging him and Serena. And looking around the room, he noticed Aaron had a similar expression. But everyone else remained indifferent.

‘Yeah, we’d probably be in a super expensive hotel with no money to do anything else without them,’ Luca commented. ‘Or a really dodgy Airbnb,’

Yasmina nudged her for the slightly insensitive comment but it seemed to not have had an effect on Amber. In fact she agreed.

‘The places I was looking at were either really expensive or weird so yeah. Please say thanks to Serena’s cousin on our behalf,’ she said. Sander nodded, the shocked expression now gone.

‘Already done,’ he said, clicking a finger gun her way.

‘Huh?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I painted a mural for her now ex-girlfriend, and helped at her parents’ place so she owed me anyway,’ he shrugged.

‘Wait,  _ girlfriend _ ?’ Moyo asked. Sander nodded.

‘Yeah?’

‘Is she…’ he began but couldn’t find the word, unsure on what the right word was.

‘She’s into guys too, I wasn’t leading you on a stray trail,’ he explained.

‘Right. Cool,’ Moyo nodded, trying to return the vibe of the room, that’d very definitely changed from that comment, back to normal. But Jens wasn’t going to let it go just yet.

‘Not a problem right?’ Jens asked. The boys all knew what he meant by that comment

He quickly shook his head.

‘No, no not at all!’

‘Okay, what did we miss?’ Luca was the one to break the silence that fell about the room. The boys looked at each other, trying to figure out what to say about the situation.

‘Sander said that he’d hook Moyo up with Serena,’ Aaron say, maybe even surprising himself at being the one to say the right thing. Luckily it seemed that if any of the girls had caught onto what Jens had said between the lines, they ignored it and focused on the new topic of Moyo’s love life.

23:56

And the day ended in the most perfect way any day could. It wasn’t clear who was holding who but one thing’s for sure that they were both holding each other. Slow, languid kisses were exchanged and hands ran up and down bare torsos and legs, touching places that were seldom touched. Robbe wrapped his legs around Sander’s hips, pulling him closer than he already was. Sander had pulled away from his lips and was now peppering kisses across his jaw, down his neck, and on to his chest, occasionally licking and biting. He ran his lips across the gold chain that was a piece of furniture on Robbe for a short length before the very boy in question pulled him back up to eye level. When he made no move, Sander raised an eyebrow, as if to question what his plan was.

‘I just want to look at you,’ he said earnestly in a hushed voice. This would normally be when Sander made a teasing comment or turn the moment into something different, but the truth and honesty that rang loud and clear in Robbe’s quiet tones made him stop himself. Because it surprised him. Not that Robbe had said such a thing or made him feel this certain way, but rather the fact that someone was treating him like that.

So the two lay a little further apart, simply looking at each other. There was a relaxed smile upon both mouths. Robbe lifted one of his hands, using a finger to gently trace around Sander’s facial features. The older boy closed his eyes without questioning the action, as if taking in the touch. He started at his chin and connected it up with his temple, being sure to circle around his jaw. Then the eyebrows. Robbe trailed his finger lightly across his eyebrows and around his forehead before dropping back down the other temple and jaw. Then his nose. He trailed down the bridge of his nose and landed on his lips. Sander instantly smiled wider, eyes still closed. The finger began from the centre of the upper lip and made its round back to the same spot. Sander puckered his lips, pressing a kiss to the finger. Robbe grinned and diminished the space between them in less than a second. Their lips met for a heated embrace. Sander’s hands cupped his cheeks and Robbe threaded his arms around his waist as they kissed. And they were truly  _ kissing _ . Breathing became heavy and the air thick as tongues clashed every so often. Robbe dared his hands to wander lower down his waist. The sound he heard as a result encouraged him to go lower, playing with the waistband of his boxers. Fingers and hands would occasionally slip beneath the elastic, everytime causing some sort of peak from the older boy, whether it was his teeth pressing into his lip or his arms around his neck tensing or an audible groan.

Their flight the following day wasn’t until later in the day and an alarm had been set for a modest 9am so the two forgot the concept of time for a while, just enjoying each other in any way they could and felt comfortable doing. It was love. It was truly love and making love. Making each other  _ feel _ loved. And neither of them had to say but Robbe could’ve sworn it was the last thing he heard before he dropped off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes on Japan:  
> -I've only been to Tokyo Disneyland once over a decade ago and it was disappointing so why I chose to write about this park in the fic is beyond me.  
> -Long queues (1.5hrs+) at Tokyo Disneyland are a very real thing.  
> -I've not actually been on Space Mountain at Tokyo and bcs it's dark and noisy, it's difficult to tell when the drop is on videos so sorry if I got that wrong! It's ambiguous for a reason.  
> -Lotteria is another great fast food place in Japan that do burgers with cheese in them (like instead of a beef patty, it's breaded melted cheese. It is glorious).
> 
> I love your comments to let me know your thoughts on this!  
> I will be trying my damn hardest to get the next part out on time, but I have had quite a stressful week and it's not getting easier so I'll try my best.   
> Also the first spin off fic is also coming vv soon (I do genuinely mean this)!
> 
> Follow me on Twitter for extra updates and to keep me company:
> 
> [ @spacepanda1011 ](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	19. Last Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it's been a minute huh? I didn't mean for this little break to last this long - I'm so sorry! - but I'm back now. In return, you're going to be getting a shiny brand new fic that I'll be uploading every single day for the next two weeks called Everything Is Magical! It's a spin off from this one, and you'll notice that this is now part of a series (fancy ikr), so there'll be a few references and it would be amazing if you could head on over and give it some love!

11/07/21 Zondag 10:17

They’d heard the alarm, but they were both far too relaxed amidst their gradual return from dreamland to fully wake up and start the day. It’d been such a comfortable slumber - warm and musky and deep. They’d both agree that it’d been the best morning of the trip, ironically the last one. It was Sander stirring that nudged Robbe out of total unconsciousness. He twisted in the sheets to have a better hold of his boyfriend, who seemed to have the same idea and they ended up knocking foreheads. Too tired to laugh, but they could both feel the smile.

‘Morning,’ Robbe whispered, not wanting to break the serenity that surrounded them. He heard Sander inhale and exhale deeply before he responded.

‘Morning.’

The foreheads that knocked together didn’t really come apart and instead led their noses to caress each other. Lips brushed together but it wasn’t really a kiss. Robbe began wiggling his toes to wake his legs up in order to satisfy their desire to wrap around Sander’s. The older boy responded by shuffling closer so that their stomachs were touching too. Something lower was also touching but it wasn’t in a sexual way, as one may assume. It was just there and they let it be. 

Robbe’s mind was so distracted by their position and feeling the boy so close to him, that he almost pushed away when he felt a pair of lips touch his. Sander couldn’t help but chuckle quietly as he pulled away, bringing up a hand to stroke across Robbe’s ear and eventually into his hair. 

‘What are you thinking?’ 

God was his morning voice hot. 

‘Us,’ Robbe responded instantly, not needing to think or consider how he should phrase his thoughts. ‘Right now, under these sheets, in this position,’

There was another kiss, and this time he was prepared. Consciousness returned to his arms and fingers before he lowered them to the small of Sander’s back. He couldn’t really pull them any closer but tightening his grip around his waist kept them in place as they kissed. It was slow to begin with. There was a gasp, a tongue, a flash of teeth. Each kiss, Sander’s thumb would slowly draw patterns on his cheekbone and the shorter they became, the more his other hand pulled at his hair. 

Cherishing the privacy they had, particularly from having a room upstairs, they spent as long as they could pressing kisses to every inch of skin. Some were short and sweet, some were slow and deep. But they all set off fireworks or gave them a tingly feeling at the very least. There was some conversation as well.

‘Do you want to come back here some time?’ Sander asked. Robbe smiled and nodded.

‘Yeah. Maybe we can bring Noor next time as well. And Engel was it?’

Sander chuckled.

‘You do a “Gays Do Japan” video for your vlog channel,’ 

The two snickered, rolling into each other, dropping a head on his shoulder or chest.

‘Where else would we go?’ Robbe asked once they’d recovered. They were now lying, facing the ceiling. Sander’s hand was looped behind his neck and gently touching Robbe’s far shoulder, tracing pictures as he listed other places he wanted to see in the city that might interest Noor more than the group he was with now.

It wasn’t until Robbe’s phone buzzed with a text from Aaron that they even considered leaving their snuggery.

**_Aaron:_ ** _ You guys had better show your faces before Amber comes up there. _

The two giggled and Robbe let his phone fall onto the duvet.

‘Maybe we should get up,’ Robbe spoke quietly but Sander whined, his grip on the boy tightening. ‘I don’t want Amber to walk in on us!’

The image of that happening was enough for the covers to get removed and for them to roll out of the bed. As Robbe pulled on some jeans and a shirt, he felt something hit him. Looking down at the floor, he realised that it was a hoodie that Sander had just thrown at him. And not just any hoodie, the one he’d basically stolen on Friday, although the night before it’d landed on Sander’s side of the room. He looked up, questioning the action with his eyebrows. A shirtless Sander just grinned.

‘You look better in it anyway,’ he shrugged, pulling over a t- shirt. Blushing a little, Robbe gladly pulled the jumper on - and it just smelled like Sander. The comfort that gave him was immense and he knew it'd help during the Sander-less nights he faced in the future.

He then looked around the room. It wasn’t too messy. It was mostly a few souvenirs that were strewn across the floor, as well as clothes from the day before, but the two hadn’t bothered unpacking at the beginning of the trip so there wasn’t too much to pack. So they quickly set about throwing the last bits and pieces into their respective bags before heading downstairs. They dumped their bags in the garage where everyone else's were, and headed into the kitchen, having spotted earlier that it was only Jens occupying it. The dark haired boy barely glanced up from his phone as they waltzed in. Robbe reached for the almost empty packet of bread and waved it at his boyfriend, who nodded. So he took out the last two slices, pairing them with some cheese slices and put them in the toaster oven before sitting himself next to his friend, Sander opposite him.

'Did either of you know about Noor?' Jens asked. Robbe furrowed his brows.

'Know what?'

Jens showed them his phone screen, on which was a picture of a group of 6 people in an American-diner-style booth, containing Noor and Engel, whose poses weren't subtle in the slightest. The cogs in Robbe’s head instantly got to work to figure out some sort of cover story.

'Where did you find that?' Sander asked, who seemed to similarly be trying to help their friend.

'Um… Lucas sent it to me,'

Robbe raised his eyebrows and set about trying to guess which one Lucas was. There were only two boys in the picture so it was a 50/50 chance.

'Is he that one?' he asked, picking out the boy with fair skin and the bluest eyes anyone had ever seen. But Jens batted his hand away.

'Don't change the subject!'

So in other words, yes. Robbe wanted to tease him and make some comment but that was not the right moment. He and Sander glanced at each other, trying to figure out what to do. They obviously didn't want to out their friend but it seemed she'd almost done it herself.

'Yeah um, she's a friend from elementary school,' Robbe explained.

‘And they’re together?’

The look of worry and panic between them must’ve answered the question.

‘I won’t tell anyone if she’s not out over here yet,’ he quickly said.

‘I don’t know how out she is so I’ve always been extra careful to be cautious,’ Sander explained.

'So… She's gay? Or lesbian?'

Sander shook his head.

'Dude, there's more labels than that,'

'I know, I know,' he looked down at his phone then back up again. ‘Do you reckon that’s why she was cool with you…?’ 

The whole room knew what he was implying. Robbe shrugged.

‘Maybe made her more empathetic to the whole thing,’

‘Do you…’ Jens began but stopped. The two looked at him, encouraging him to carry on. ‘Do you reckon things would’ve been different if you weren’t out yet? Like at all?’

‘Yeah,’

‘No,’

The simultaneous reply caused confusion. Before anyone could jump to conclusions, Robbe quickly rushed to explain.

‘I think it would’ve been a lot harder for me to accept the part of me I’ve been rejecting and suppressing for so long. I don’t doubt we would’ve found our way to each other though,’

Sander’s frown flipped into a soft smile as he grazed his foot against Robbe’s leg. And fuck did Robbe want to kiss him in that moment, but he was reminded about the presence of his friend.

‘Why, is Lucas not out?’ he asked, in an attempt to shift the conversation away from the horrid self hatred and poor mental state he was in prior to coming out. Jens shook his head - he either took the hint or was too preoccupied enough with his own thoughts to pursue it further.

‘Not even to me - like I don’t know if we’re flirting or he’s just being nice or…’

Robbe patted his shoulder sympathetically.

‘It can be one of the hardest things to do - ever,’ he tried to reason.

‘He  _ could _ also be straight or not interested,’ Sander inputted but Robbe shook his head.

‘From what you’ve shown me, he’s either interested, or leading you on on purpose,’ he said, ‘in which case he’s not worth your time,’

Jens groaned, running his hands through his hair.

‘I hate this,’ 

His friends chuckled lightly. It was obviously not an ideal position to be in, but there was something slightly amusing at his best friend going through such a familiar situation.

‘You’ll figure it out,’

‘I hope so.’

16:15 

‘Sander! Come on, we’ll miss our gate!’ Robbe called into the shop his boyfriend had disappeared into. The group arrived at the airport with ample time to explore, but just as their gate announced boarding, Sander suddenly ran into one last shop. Instead of following him in, worried that they might miss the gate, Robbe decided to wait outside, hoping that would send a message.

A minute later, the boy returned. The moment he stepped out of the shop, Robbe grabbed his wrist and pulled him in the direction that the others had gone.

‘Woah! Come on Robbe,’

‘I just don’t want to miss our flight and be stuck here,’ he said, finally letting go of Sander’s wrist once he was confident they were close enough to the gate.

‘What were you doing in there anyway?’

Sander smiled and held up a bottle of Coke in the hand that wasn’t being held by Robbe.

‘Thought you might need it after last time,’

And suddenly Robbe felt bad for being so antsy.

‘You didn’t have to,’

Sander shrugged.

‘I know. But I’d rather get kisses from your mouth and not vomit, so…’

Robbe gasped in mock offence and pushed him away playfully as he laughed.

20:53 (CET)

Time was irrelevant or non existent to the friends that exited the plane once it touched down in Amsterdam. Robbe had to nudge a sleepy Sander who’d been resting on his shoulder and hugging his arm, awake as they landed. And honestly, seeing Sander wake up was a sight that Robbe thought that he’d never get over. The soft, slightly confused expression, the droopy eyelids, the fluffy hair. The flight back had been far more enjoyable than the flight over. You could say it was because he was in love, but Robbe would say it was because he’d conquered his fear on the way over. Everyone else had sleepy expressions too. Or rather everyone apart from Jens, who Robbe noticed kept smiling at his phone as the group waited for their luggage to turn up on the carousel. Part of him wanted to nudge him and make fun of him, but the other part was not only far too tired to do that, but also wanted his friend to have that moment to himself. 

The train ride home was surprisingly quiet for such a noisy group. Zoe and Jana sat together, Zoe asleep on her shoulder and Jana on her phone, which’d been turned landscape, with Amber and Luca opposite them looking through the pictures they’d taken on the trip. Yasmina sat alone behind them, furiously texting someone - Robbe guessed her mother who’d been difficult to convince to let her go on the trip. Moyo and Aaron sat diagonal to Yasmina, playing a two player game on their phones and in front of them sat Jens, Sander, and Robbe. Jens was once again staring down at his phone with a smitten smile permanently glued to his face. Neither of the two lovers had to ask him who he was texting, it was pretty obvious. Instead Sander flipped his phone out and attached some earphones, offering one to Robbe. Instead of taking it, Robbe leaned his ear towards it and Sander put it in. Putting the phone on the table, Sander selected a playlist as their fingers became interwoven with each other.

22:45

The train station was an emotional affair, probably enhanced by their sleepy state, but as their friends went their separate ways, Robbe and Sander stood at the entrance of Berchem station under a lamppost hugging.

‘I don’t want to go to bed without you,’ Sander murmured nervously in his head. A blush spread across Robbe’s face because he felt the exact same way.

‘Me either,’ he whispered back. ‘But we can call?’

After a moment he could feel the head hooked over his shoulder nod.

‘I suppose… We did survive 2 lockdowns after all,’ he said.

‘See? We survived a global pandemic. We can do anything,’

That comment triggered a warm glowy feeling between the two of them. They knew that they could both feel it. And because he could, Robbe lifted Sander’s head a little so that he could kiss him. This was a slow and sweet one. There wasn’t any point in making it deep or passionate in that moment.

‘I’ll miss you,’ he murmured against his lips. The sentiment was repeated by the other.

‘Do you want to go on a date next week?’

‘Milkshakes?’

‘Duh,’

He giggled before nodding and pressing another chaste kiss to his lips.

‘I can’t wait.’

It took a few more kisses before they were finally able to let go of each other.

‘Text me when you get home?’

‘I will,’

There was something else in the air that needed to be said. It’d been thought plenty of times since Thursday evening, but it needed to be said.

‘I love you,’

There was a beat. Before,

‘I love you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next, and final part won't be up for another 2 weeks so I hope this (+ EIM) is enough to keep you going until then! I'd love to hear your thoughts :)  
> Follow me on Twitter for updates!
> 
> [@spacepanda1011](https://twitter.com/spacepanda1011)


	20. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh here we are - sorry it's so late!   
> But ooh, last part. This fic has taken up a good chunk of 6 months for me and taught me a lot about the geography of Antwerp. I've really loved writing this universe so thank you to everyone who stuck with it - I really hope it's given you some marginal-at-best distraction from this year.   
> I have 2 fics that I plan to write and release next year so stay tuned for that.   
> Also, a few Everything Is Magical references here - feel free to give that fic some love if you haven't already!  
> That's all I got. Here's to a better 2021! Enjoy :)

14/07/21 Woensdag 13:48

He saw the two girls by the bandstand in Koning Albertpark. the dark haired girl waved as he jogged up to them.

‘Hey!’

‘Hey!

The trio exchanged hugs, kisses, and greetings.

‘Robbe, this is Engel, Engel, this is Robbe,’ Noor began, ‘the guy who dumped me on that bench right there,’ she said, pointing to the infamous spot. This caught Robbe unaware as he greeted Engel.

‘Wait really?’ he asked in shock, and perhaps a little dubiously.

She nodded.

‘I think I can remember the only time I’ve ever been dumped,’

He rolled his eyes as an undeniable pang of guilt echoed throughout his being.

‘Stop!’ he pushed her gently, trying to play it casual. ‘Stop making me feel worse about it!’

Her laughter certainly helped in quieting the echoes but really, he needed a change of subject to move on. So he urged them to get going.

‘Anyway. Let’s go.’

The trio made their way out of the park and began heading to JV’s - the milkshake place that Sander’s friends had opened. Considering his boyfriend got a discount there, and they served milkshakes, it felt like a fitting location for a double date between the couples.

‘Oh! Guess what I learnt on Saturday!’ Noor said as they crossed the crossing by the flat he lived in with Zoe and Milan. The chatter up until this point had very much been small talk about their respective trips and Engel and Robbe learning more about each other but a change of pace was still very welcome.

‘What?’

She looked over at Engel with a knowing grin but her partner simply wore a confused expression.

‘So we found out that one of Engel’s friends knows Jens,’

Robbe raised his eyebrows, smirking.

‘They don’t happen to be called Lucas do they?’

He only suggested it as a joke. Lucas was the first person he could think of when given the stimulus of Jens and the Netherlands. But the hesitation in the girls’ reply made him look over. The way they looked at him answered his question.

‘Wait, really?’

‘You know him?’ Engel asked, clearly surprised.

‘Well only what Jens has said about him,’ he explained. ‘I think they’re getting a flat together in September,’ 

‘Oh is Jens moving over then?’

Robbe nodded.

‘Yeah, so’s Moyo,’

‘To the Netherlands?’

‘No no, he got a job at some fancy dance studio in Brussels so he’s going to study there,’

‘Everyone’s really going separate ways huh?’

Robbe nodded and hummed, not wanting to think about it too much. He knew once he did, he’d probably get sad and he wanted to avoid that for what was meant to be a happy date. Besides, there was still 2 months before everyone went separate ways. There was time.

‘What about you?’ Engel asked. ‘What are you doing?’

He shrugged.

‘Staying in Antwerp,’

‘You and Sander…’ Noor asked, waggling her eyebrows. He ignored the tone she took and decided to answer properly by shaking his head.

‘Maybe next year. I already told my mama I’d stay with her for first year. And it gives me time to find a job,’ he explained. And they were very true and valid reasons for him not wanting to move in with Sander just yet and what he’d say whenever he was asked. But truth be told he couldn’t ignore what'd happened between Zoe and Senne. Seeing first hand their struggle, and helping his friend through her first few days after their breakup wasn’t something he could easily erase from his memory. He had no doubt that he and Sander were endgame, that they’d be together forever and all that. So maybe that’s why he wanted to take it slow and not rush things like moving in when they’ve only just gotten together.

But he’d never say that. Maybe he’d tell Sander one day - it wasn’t something he was too keen to discuss over text.

The girls remained oblivious to his inner monologue and simply nodded. They carried on chatting about future plans, or mainly Engel talking about ideas for the new flat and the couple’s life in Amsterdam. Normally he would’ve found someone talking  _ that _ much annoying and insufferable, but looking over at Noor and how happy and invested she was in her girlfriend’s ramble, it was impossible to find her annoying and insufferable. Instead he found himself feeling grateful for Engel, that she was evidently able to make Noor happy in a way that was so natural for the two of them. He couldn’t help but feel immensely happy for his friend, that his ex had been able to find someone better for her than him.

They finally arrived at the milkshake bar. Sander had been sat in a booth at the back. The couple hadn’t seen each other since leaving the station due to parents demanding a catch up, recovering from jet lag, and Robbe’s mum taking a small dip as a result of the small episode she’d had while he’d been away. So Robbe missed him. It’d been 3 days since they’d seen each other in person and they were both struggling. So suddenly, as soon as they made eye contact, no one else in the bar existed as Robbe happily strode across the room, kissing the smile off of Sander’s face. Sander had barely been able to stand up in time and held on to the curly haired boy for stability. Robbe’s arms hooked around his neck as they kissed. It was strong and confident. A tongue flicked out, signalling that they should probably stop before it got too steamy for the public eye. So they pulled away with 2 short kisses and allowed their foreheads to remain touching.

‘I missed you,’ Robbe mumbled against his lips. The edges of Sander’s lips curved up.

‘Missed you too,’

Noor clearing her throat broke them apart, reminding them that they were there with other people.

‘Noor!’ Sander walked over and greeted the girls. ‘It’s nice to meet you in person,’ Sander said to Engel. She grinned. 

‘Likewise,’ she nodded at both boys.

The four of them then shuffled into the booth.

‘So this is your friend’s place?’ Engel asked Sander. He nodded.

‘Yeah, Justin and Vas,’ he said.

‘And Noor said you designed something for it?’ 

He nodded again.

‘Yup! All the menus and leaflets and all that. And helped them with painting and things like that,’ he explained.

‘That’s amazing! So do-,’ before she could finish her next question, which’d undoubtedly be the 3rd of many, a guy, Justin, came over.

‘Hey! Sander, Robbe,’ he nodded at the boys respectively then turned to Noor and Engel.

‘And, friends?’

The girls nodded.

‘Well, pleasure to meet you,’ he said, proceeding with a mini bow to which the girls giggled.

‘How was Japan man?’ he asked, turning his attention back to Sander. Sander nodded.

‘Great,’ he said, and couldn’t help glancing at his boyfriend, ‘Best holiday ever,’

Robbe looked back and he couldn’t help his expression when Sander was looking at him like that - he really couldn’t. He was in love.

‘Yeah,’

A gasp broke their gaze.

‘Wait, you two…?’ Justin asked, raising his eyebrows and shaking his finger between them. Everyone knew what he was implying and there was no reason to deny it - especially after their very public display of affection from earlier that Justin had clearly missed. Sander was the one to nod and confirm it before placing a sweet kiss on Robbe’s cheek.

‘Finally!’ Justin exclaimed. ‘Took you long enough,’

And he blushed. Sander Driesen was blushing. That was all that really had to be said about their relationship.

‘Honestly Robbe, he started obsessing over you  _ before _ you met Vas,’

Sander grumbled and buried his face into Robbe’s neck and the boy laughed.

‘I know,’ Robbe said, reminding his boyfriend of the first night they’d spent together. Sander stuck out a pleasant finger gesture before Justin took their orders and left them.

‘Awh, Sander. Were you  _ blushing _ ?’ Noor teased as he lifted himself from Robbe’s shoulder.

‘Shut up!’ 

A silence fell about them as Noor and Robbe tried to keep themselves from bursting into laughter.

‘Anyway,’ Engel broke the silence then turned to her girlfriend. ‘How does Lucas know your friend? We never got the story,’

Anticipating the eyebrow quirk from his boyfriend, Robbe quickly explained. 

‘Lucas is Engel’s friend,’

She shrugged.

‘Well friend might be pushing it. He’s definitely friends with Is, and I’m friends with her, so friend by association?’ she offered. The rest of the table grinned at how thoroughly thought through her title was.

‘Um I think they met back in August? Jens has family near Utrecht so…’ Robbe said. He was sure to keep it brief, and even more eager to not mention the museum-meet-cute Jens had told him about.

‘And they’re moving in together you said?’

Robbe nodded.

‘I think so,’

Engel was then quiet for a moment, looking thoughtful. Nobody dared disturb her.

‘It’s all quite sad isn’t it?’ she finally offered. ‘You know, everyone moving away and moving on,’

And wow did that hurt in a way Robbe didn’t expect. 

‘I suppose,’ he mumbled. But it wasn’t just a “I suppose”. It  _ was _ sad. All the friends he’d known since childhood moving away from the city. He knew he’d make new friends once he started uni, and of course there were friends who weren’t moving away - Aaron, Zoe, Milan. And Sander obviously. It wasn’t as if he loved them any less but just something about Jens and Jana and Moyo leaving hurt in a new and melancholic way.

The conversation had carried on whilst he was lost in thought yet no one seemed to mind his brain wandering off. Justin coming back with the drinks was what brought everything back to earth. 

‘You two need to catch us up on Japan,’ he called to the boys as he left the table.

‘Speaking of,’ Noor begun, ‘do we get an update on that?’

17:53

The rest of the double date remained light hearted, with sweet drinks, holiday pictures, and anecdotes shared. Noor and Engel had left early as they’d been sent a shopping list to pick up before heading back. Taking their place once the bar quietened down was Justin and Vasil, the latter had come in at the request of Justin to hear about the couple’s holiday and everyone’s future. 

‘I mean if you want,’ Vas began, responding to Robbe’s reasoning for not moving out yet, ‘You’re more than welcome to work here! Even if it’s just over the summer,’

Robbe grinned.

‘I’d love to!’

So with a training day booked, the couple finally left and walked over to the river, wanting to extend the date just a little longer. They found a fence to lean on and look out over the river. Nothing had been said since leaving the milkshake bar and nothing needed to be said. Just happy smiles and glances through twisted fingers. 

As he watched the water smoothly flow, he felt a hand stroking his cheek, before tucking his hair behind his ear, brushing the gold hoop that hung from his lobe on the way. The fingers were cold but it didn’t matter because he felt so warm.

‘You okay?’ Sander asked him, letting his hand trail down his neck and arm and finding his hand again. Robbe lifted his gaze from the river and into his eyes before nodding.

‘I…’ he began. Sander lifted himself from leaning his front on the fence to leaning his side, allowing Robbe time to gather his thoughts into coherent words.

‘I think I’ve had so much time to be reflective,’ he said.

‘Mm?’

‘Like with my friends, with you, with Noor…’

‘I suppose holiday does that to you,’ Sander joked. Robbe smiled and mirrored his boyfriend’s stance.

‘I suppose but… I’m looking out over the river I grew up with after a double date with my boyfriend, ex girlfriend and her girlfriend,’ Sander smiled when he was mentioned, ‘It’s such an obvious moment to be reflective and corny and all but… I don’t want to,’

‘No?’

‘No,’ he said firmly.

‘So what do you want to do?’ Sander asked softly, stepping closer. The next move was clear. Robbe smiled, closing all the distance between them.

‘I just want to live now.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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